My Mojo was missing
I'm not sure I can explain this properly. I'm not sure I can even put my finger on it. I'm not sure I even know where it has been. I'm not so sure I would recognise it if I saw it. I will try and explain.
I think I began to miss it some years ago. Some days I found myself feeling as if I was detached from my body. Detached from my family and friends. Detached from my life. Detached. In limbo.
It was as if I was in waiting for an event. What event? I had no knowledge of any nor any expectancy for any such happening.
It has felt like the sort of thing you read about when people talk about 'out of body experiences'. I have felt sad. At times I have felt very angry. Frustrated. Fit to burst. But I know not what about. I have felt disappointment.
It isn't depression. That shadow has visited. I know the difference. It is a chasm. Deep space. Off the beat. Out of sync.
I have assuaged these deep and strong feelings by telling myself I am at a crossroads. A watershed. Perhaps it is trite and indulgent, but it has seemingly got me through, I think to here and now. It has helped. Nothing terrible has happened. Really. I think I have been changing. Treading water. Holding on. By my fingernails.
Over a year on from big changes and I think I have found a balance. I hope. I have not been looking. We have made changes. Not all welcomed. Some by the seat of our pants. Not all tangible.
Maybe it takes a little sunshine. Maybe it is a rite of passage. From one age to another. The dynamic is changing. I am changing. Everything changes. All of the time. Sometimes there is more noise. Sometimes there is a space left that needs filling. Or not. Maybe it takes time. Energy. Patience. Deep replenishing breaths of life.
It may also be that the cathartic and life affirming nature of these changes have helped. It may be the kindness of others. Watching people reach out. Friendships made. The beginning of something new. The fulfillment and richness of the moment. The prize of life.
A shift in the spirit level of family. Relationships realigned.
It is early days, but I'm pretty sure I've got my mojo back!
(I wonder what I should do with it, now that I've found it!)
I have shared your limbo many times in my life and survived to go on....mostly better than before.
ReplyDeleteI think it is what happens when we grow. Like a shrub, you have to cut off all the deadwood and let it rest. Then green, fresh sprouts appear and it is renewed.
Thanks for sharing your inner thoughts.
Take your time, and congratulations on the Growing.
Glad to see it, and you, are back!
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear it. Did you happen to see my marbles when you were looking for your mojo?
ReplyDeleteWhen I was an adolescent I used to experience this feeling a lot and I didn't like it & found it frightening.
ReplyDeleteI have NEVER met anyone who knew what I was talking about until now!
I don't seem plagued by it now though but have often wondered what it was. It really did feel as though I was *out of my body*
Maggie X
Nuts in May
take it out for a drink! also love your reasons to be cheerful - gotta love the glass is half full approach!
ReplyDeleteI like scrappysue's idea.. sounds right to me. Glad to hear your mojo has returned.
ReplyDeleteHmmm - it sounds sort of familiar Saz. Mine seems to be a narrow dark cavern that I keep falling and falling and falling into. No sounds only black for sight - nothingness.
ReplyDeleteYour mojo needs dancing and romancing of any kind. Even by those beautiful flowers you captured earlier.
btw - When I was in New Orleans this past trip I saw a shop that was all the type of clothes you sell. An entire shop. So neat! So busy!
More and more we find ourselves again... and again.
ReplyDelete"The greatest hazard of all, losing one’s self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss - an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. - is sure to be noticed." ( Søren Kierkegaard)
ReplyDeleteAnd just as quietly one's Mojo can come back,
I am so happy for you!
glad you're back and your Mojo is back were it belongs, if you see mine hanging around looking lost, let it know I'm missing it.
ReplyDeletexx
I think we all reach this stage at some time in our lives, almost like standing at a crossroads and not quite knowing which direction to take. A lull in our lives where we feel lost, out of sync with the events going on around us, as if we are watching a film but not part of it. Glad you have returned!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy it ... hug it .. know that you can do anything you set your mind on after all you have mojo!!!!
ReplyDeleteHi Saz, glad you found me. Your mojo is here to stay if you feed it! Yes, do something new and daring. Reward it! Celebrate it! Mojo loves rewards.
ReplyDeleteso glad you have found it, what a journey huh?
ReplyDeletex
Dear Lord! I have wonderful kids.XXXX
ReplyDeleteBuild it a 5 star penthouse room, and encourage it to stay :)))
ReplyDeletewelcome back to the mojo! let the grove begin.
ReplyDeleteI cant help wondering if I'll spot your mojo while I'm out in Carlisle this evening.
ReplyDeletePizza express - if you are wondering. We are driving up to Scotland and thought Carlisle sounded worth a visit.
Keep a tight grip on that mojo. :)
ReplyDeleteI always listen to my subconscious. Mine told me something was going to happen, and something did. Its radar gets a little confused when it comes to my husband, though, because after 33 years together, he has taken on a lot of my characteristics, and I've taken on a lot of his, so the poor old antennae do cross their wires. With other people, though, I've learnt to trust my own judgement 100%. So glad you found your inner key again, and its unlocking something for you. Now go forth and do whatever you want to do!
ReplyDeletelove the tude but careful hon, just when we think we have it licked mojo knocks us on oiur arse.
ReplyDeletekeep a close eye on it.
rick