Fab, Feisty and Sixty (ish)

It's a double edged sword, parenting, motherhood, you want to keep them close and safe, yet know that the whole point of it all is to let them gently, step by step find their own way out there in the big old bad world. To nurture, feed and clothe them, give them boundaries (I'm crap at that now they are older). Give them space and time, and I do honestly I try very hard not to smother. It's time to take few more steps back from them. This last year since my son and I have lived alone, apart from my husband and my daughter, I have accepted much and discarded what I can do absolutely nothing about, to hold onto it is toxic. I am no longer lost in a mist of an unhealthy relationship and a fog of unhappiness. The kids are seemingly accepting, each facing their own patches of darkness and coming out stronger, hopefully with lessons learned, and new expectations. I like living as a single woman I find, exploring possibilities, no longer in fear of what lies ahead. Next...

a quiet night in but went for a drink after work which continued to the  local Indian yummy  Jenni, Faye & Luce Charlotte F is not looking to impressed  and a rare uncensored pic of FFF things are definitely looking up! Have a good weekend Saz x

I have been looking forward excitedly for today. I attended a Life Drawing workshop and this is something I adore, getting lost in my own zone. Painting and drawing, like reading and writing really does this for me. I have let it go but no longer. I am totally absorbed within the small space before me, upon which I can create. Utter bliss. I haven't made  any life drawing for years and l have hankered, oh how I have...So today for four straight hours, I drew and drew and drew, short poses and long poses. By the time I found my eye, I had only a one hour pose left. The smaller, neatly hatched compositions were quite contained but for this last one, I did my own thing. Out came the charcoals, the pastels and pencils and I mixed the media and just let it all out! Such fun and so good for the 'soul'.  A Saturday morning that created calm! Then I attended a talk in the Museum on 'Pre-Raphaelite's and their heirs', which is part of the launch week activit...

I'm driving, without a destination, just driving feigning I have control of something, within my hands, my grasp it's raining, or is it? through the misty, wet, windscreen of my eyes, I leave the country road and stall along the grassy verge baggage in the trunk weighing heavy, intent on pulling me down I reach for the door handle, hold on tight to its cold shiny hardness, till the moment passes and step beyond the car a lane more like a clearing to my right is clear of its green summer trellis, undressed branches wave me through the smell of winter leaving, a whiff of spring essence fills me, l choke on deep mouthful's and I swallow, savouring its sweetness, uphill I climb through the bracken, past a barren, stagnant stream, fed only from recent thawed pathways, and at the top I can see out over fields and potential summer meadows in the distance seemingly out of reach, a disused railway bridge, solitary, waiting, brave, resol...

when the hurricane hit I wasn't surprised, in fact I needed it, wanted it, had for years waited and hungered for its power and strength to carry me off helpless to defend the onslaught of bile, disrespect and hostility, I brought in my emergency services and quickly shored up the detritus, taking what comforts remained, leaving, yet defiant to protect mine own brick by brick I laid a place for us, to wait, to heal, to breathe, each brick expertly laid straight and level, four the walls around us all tall and thick keeping me in, keeping it out, keeping us safe from the elements of more change before we, I am ready to let anyone in or me out when summer came, the boy spread his wings, sure of himself and his abilities and flew out, further and farther, now standing tall and brave and confident meanwhile, I watch and wait, checking the skies, to see which way the wind blows

I wrote this last year on new years day... it had been in my bones for years, yet still I waited. It is now done and I am no longer lost, just floating on a contemplative moment Pockets of Change she is still, agly perched on the bed unnoticed, the safer option a perifery of pain in every road crossing, each dusty word  hangs heavy and hot in the stale air cleft an open silence, skulking into her apron, clenched fists slammed deep into the pockets of change the thin ties that bind are taut sinew like cutting into her back leaving deep wales her skin searing with heat itching to be scratched, her nails dig deep, loughing up flesh to feel, must feel it her darkness shadows misshapen memories left against the wall her apron hides the dull ache kept preserved boxed, plain, simple unspoken, her guard is down tensions press the forehead a pulse throbs with urgency her open flesh yearning for the crumbs in the pages of remembrance inbetween each sheath each...

between love and hate unlike a high wire artist we wobble and lurch from side to side in relationships, friendships our families, the line doesn't shift it is a constant it's taut and keen, yet we waver and hold out our arms in defiance praying not to fall off into the abyss of terror, unknown, alone, love holds its own line on one edge we fall passionately, fulfilled, trusting or if unlucky in a state of captured, controlled, coerced hate lines, has too a passion, it feeds, it distrusts or is innate, bleeding one dry from within, each emotion felt with a fervour, impossible to fathom moments of joy and sadness, then flipped like a coin to be caught or dropped without a safety net to the ground walk the line trust in its strength trust in self

it is, was, just something something to reignite the dampened flame something to make me laugh again something to hold on to for a few moments something to breathe the life back into me something to smell, touch and arch into something to lose, as quickly as was found just something

the naked flame, beside me flickers in the night each breath l take threatens it, my out breath hovers, undecided whether to nourish it or kill it an old tune warms the room nostalgia washes onto the pillow a freeze frame of a golden moment haunts the senses shards of a new day, of expectations not yet taken to root but seeded deep in the dampness I rise to the challenge, keeping the flame bright feeding it just as it burns away another hope, another dream, l shiver, I tremble, while you watch from a far, I hesitate, I breathe don't extinguish the flame not just yet... l need you

I have never bothered with New Years Eve on so many levels, this year was going to be different l decided, from the get go I would boot 2010 up its arse and spend the first few hours of the new year with good friends toasting the new year in! gini hendricks x 5 the very gorgeous faye  charlotte and emma - Charlotte is almost as heavy handed with the gin as l am  the hostess with mostest gin in Cumbria - apparently! Sara x

 not the greastest quality from my phone camera but the colours are true 4pm new years day  love the silhouetted tree line  quite fitting to my quiet mood took this on Boxing Day ice melting  for Erin in black & white

Birds flying high you know how I feel Sun in the sky you know how I feel Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life For me And I'm feeling good Fish in the sea you know how I feel River running free you know how I feel Blossom on the tree you know how I feel Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean Sleep in peace when day is done That's what I mean And this old world is a new world And a bold world For me Stars when you shine you know how I feel Scent of the pine you know how I feel Oh freedom is mine And I know how I feel  Sara x Happy New Year!!