My mojo is missing
I'm not sure I can explain this properly. I'm not sure I can even put my finger on it. I'm not sure I even know where it has been. I'm not so sure I would recognise it if I saw it. I will try and explain.
I think I began to miss it early on last year. Some days I found myself feeling as if I was detached from my body. Detached from my family and friends. Detached from my life. Detached. In limbo.
It was as if I was in waiting for an event. What event? I had no knowledge of any nor any expectancy for any such happening.
It has felt like the sort of thing you read about when people talk about 'out of body experiences'. I have felt sad. At times I have felt very angry. Frustrated. Fit to burst. But I know not what about. I have felt disappointment.
It isn't depression. That shadow has visited. I know the difference. It is a chasm. Deep space. Off the beat. Out of sync.
I have assuaged these deep and strong feelings by telling myself I am at a crossroads. A watershed. Perhaps it is trite and indulgent, but it has seemingly got me through, I think to here and now. It has helped. Nothing terrible has happened. Really. I think I have been changing. Treading water. Holding on. By my fingernails.
Almost a year on and I think I have found a balance. I hope. I have not been looking. We have made changes. Not all welcomed. Some by the seat of our pants. Not all tangible.
Maybe it takes a little sunshine. Maybe it is a rite of passage. From one age to another. The dynamic is changing. I am changing. Everything changes. All of the time. Sometimes there is more noise. Sometimes there is a space left that needs filling. Or not. Maybe it takes time. Energy. Patience. Deep replenishing breaths of life.
It may also be that the cathartic and life affirming nature of this experience online has helped. It may be the kindness of others. Watching people reach out. Friendships made. The fulfillment and richness of the writing here. The prize of writing and sharing.
A shift in the spirit level of family. Relationships realigned.
It is early days, but I'm pretty sure I've got my mojo back.
Oh Saz - I am so glad..
ReplyDeleteI can relate to so much of what you write... perhaps it is the fifties!
But I do feel so detached at the moment - lots of good, lots of bad, and I do appreciate the best parts of it - but I feel a little "out of body: about it. I have decided it is burnout... possibly because the smallest decisions, and the sheer number of them, feel so much harder. I take one day at a time and figure, this too will pass....
Glad it is back for you :)
not quite on the cusp of the 50's.. but i am certain that what you describe is most likely in my future. i have experienced a wee bit of it already.. as my primary role in life has begun to switch.. i can relate. hang in there! sounds like you will be a great source of strength for the rest of us as we enter that phase of our lives. :D
ReplyDeletehave a wonderful day!
-Tracie
Saz dear sweet lady. You're such a beautiful person. Your writings are always so eloquent.
ReplyDeleteI have found blogging therapeutic.....I always hide behind humor though. That is just a way that I learned in childhood. Sometimes, I'm not really laughing but that is just a facade at times. I wish that I could be so honest as you are. Please know that you are so very appreciated for your honesty and it does cause me to pause and think....
I get what I call the blah's as well. I just refuse to give it. Perhap's that is called "hard-headed", lol.
Take good care and......
Steady On
Reggie Girl
Well, I won't be so full of myself as to tell you I have any answers concerning your state. I want to, and I wish I did, but I won't. However, I'll say that I enjoyed your interview over at David's place, and I hope that helps a little.
ReplyDeleteI found myself going through a similar feeling this weekend when I caught a glimpse of my backside in a motel room equipped with mirrors that allowed such a thing. Take that as you will.
I am definitely there and you described it perfectly. I am not moving forward or slipping backwards. I feel as though I am
ReplyDeletenot living just existing. My life is in a functioning coma. I hope I find a out soon.
Sweetheart, that was so beautifully expressed, and that is exactly what it is, a breathing place to pause, regroup, take stock, ready for the next phase. You have come that so dreaded number fifty [it used to be forty],the children are almost grown, when one is already at an age where she is preparing to fledge and the other in that stage where it is cool to be cool yet still will bear a hug. You are doing work that does not fulful you.
ReplyDeleteThis blogland is a wonderworld of ideas, hopes and possibilities and in a strange way makes the world smaller whilst opening us up the the BIGNESS of it.
And all the while you feel the clock is ticking down, imagining it to be closing doors before you get the chance to peak around them.
Not a chance sweetheart...the next few years will see a great change for you and Larry and it will be so excitng. You'll see; you know your mother is a witch!
Beautifully written. I so understand those feelings. I can go for months struggling to put one foot in front of the other and then it passes and I'm dancing. Wishing you happy days ahead.
ReplyDeleteCatherine
Oh good ... turning 60 totally made me crazy ... I spent months obsessing over how I couldnt handle it .. it arrived and it was just another day (tho Husband did plan a lovely brunch with a lot of our friends at a restaurant I love) and then it was over and I still looked the same, felt the same ... so I decided just to stay 60 forever and then I wont have to freak out again, I suggest the same for 50 or any other BIG birthday one cant process ...
ReplyDeleteWow, I feel for you and everyone who has had a similar experience. Often I go through depression. I can say that I have had similar experiences as well. I call it pretty much a brain fog where I can't even feel what I'm feeling. At the time, I just know I exist.:)
ReplyDeleteIt really does help to know other people go through it too.
As for support and getting through some of our phases in life, I do believe blogging helps. I haven't been blogging for very long and I look forward to it all the time. Blogging seems to separate the good from the ugly. Compassionate people seem to blog.
Thanks for your support too!
I remember that feeling from my early fifties, it did pass, thank goodness. I'm glad you've got your mojo back. :)
ReplyDeleteAfter a few sentences I started to nod and think "catharsis", she has been going through a period of emotional cleansing. And then you said it yourself, catharsis!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you feel that you have found your center again. Eureka! :-)
Yes, we keep changing and evolving and reassessing. Let life happen; enjoy the moment, the day. If we didn't change we would become petrified.
ReplyDeleteI'm still thinking about this blog entry. It has me thinking more and more about some of the phases I've been going through myself. I'm so sorry you are going through it.
ReplyDeleteBecause of what I go through, it made me a bit sad that you had to go through it. It also made me sad that, what I thought to be a temporary phase, is not so temporary. Apparently, it will come and go and possible get worse with age.
A part of me is very grateful for your sharing and the others who responded as well. It help me to know what to expect in the future and to get a better grasp on it.
Thank you :?
I know where you've been...and glad you're on your way to wherever you're going
ReplyDeleteAnd here, I have always been impressed by you and never knew you felt you had lost it (your mojo, not your mind!). Honest post. Clarity all over your words. Thanks for sharing it with us. Isn't the cyber community a great one to be in the company of?
ReplyDeleteI am here by way of David's blog. Congratulations on being the Sunday roastee. :-)
ReplyDeleteI am 53 and certainly understood this post. When I am writing is like being visited, again and again, by a tornado touching down and I feel like my hair is on fire. But when I'm done writing, I feel like I am waiting for a bus. But there's no bus. It's vexing.
I came here via authorblog, but I've been enjoying reading your comments on many blogs we mutually visit.
ReplyDeleteI was touched by your post, deeply.
I have my mother (who is older than you) going through the same feeling of apnea. It's a time of change, rebirth and re-eavluation for you both. I always ask her to smile in the face of change, it's a good thing. Ciao and compliments on your great blog.
hum, and I never knew it was misplaced.
ReplyDeleteFunny how it is, that we all can share so much, yet there is still so much other in reserve.
I'm glad to see you reach a new equilibrium. I know of what you speak...
I am glad to hear that your mojo is back.
ReplyDeleteI understand limbo. I actually wrote about it a few days ago too.
Lovely blog.
Renee xoxo
i am 50 in a couple of days and what you write has echoes for me. i'm glad you are feeling perkier.
ReplyDeleteI read a book a while ago called the seasons of a woman's life. It talks about this- interesting stuff
ReplyDeleteGlad you think that fellow bloggers may have played their part. I sometimes think they are the only thing between me and the World of Weirdness. So thank you for your part in keeping my Mojo on track.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is so lovely to read and how wonderfully you have described your feelings.
I'm just going to save your blog so I can come back and read again when I am in a more open place myself - today I'm in one of those foggy, blue places but your words and those of everyone here who has commented make very supportive reading.
Thank you again
Sarah x
Saz, if you were a bird, you'd be an infinitely wise and very beautiful owl, never mind a cuckoo - Although I do like the pic you chose to reflect your beautiful and telling prose. What you are describing having been through feels to me much like the extended grief I felt following the loss of my parents...
ReplyDeleteAnd then, one day, there is a shifting of balance, you literally see a shaft of sunlight descending cheekily from a cloud, and you know you will get through this, you will survive...
Welcome Phoenix xox
Live day by day and hopefully, you will snap out of it. I'm 49 years old and most days I feel overwhelmed...a little prayer, a quite moment and I'm back to being me. God Bless and take care, Donna
ReplyDeleteWow, all those things you have described feeling have been with me too. Not sure if blogging is the cure or the cause. Writing so much here tends to lead to a lot of introspection, not sure it is always helpful, though the kindness of fellow bloggers is very welcome.I hate the detachment, I almost need to feel some pain so as just to feel something. Weird huh?
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are better.
PS. I am 45 in a few months and have found myself at a crossroads, not hormonal yet, but sensing I need to change my life before it is too late. I think they used to call it a 'midlife crisis'!
ReplyDeleteI know what you are talking about. My story begins like yours life was crazy busy and somewhat unfulfilling beacause I felt so pulled apart and disjointed. Then I broke my pelvis in a horse misshap. My world changed immediately. I spent 35 days in hospital and then 3 months in a wheel chair.Me the fixer,the closer,was not me anymore.It took me 6 months to get back to normal.But the new normal is not the old normal. I have restarted my life with the philosophy of "Less is more". Making things as simple as possibe and finding time for me. I found me again. I try to take things slower and have returned to my old ways of crafting and gardening and decorating. All things I put aside to raise kids, work,and meet everybody elses needs. I have even said "no" and the world did not come to an end. Its funny how an accident ended up a good thing. I love your blog and am now your follower. Thanks
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