my wee man

Joey is a Jack Russell, miniature Poodle cross, currently being kindly fostered in Cyprus. He is 4.5 months old and after having a home placement which fell through, I have offered him a forever home in the UK.

He is scheduled to arrive on Sunday 9th February.

I believe saving dogs and cats from Cyprus is a worthy cause, as there is little, if any potential for a happy, secure, healthy and cared for life. They are not born into a sympathetic pet culture and many do not find homes and are euthanized. So it is an expensive project, including vet bills, paperwork and flights to bring these lovely creatures to safety in Uk and other EU countries.

I have money for the vets bill and towards the flight and I have four weeks to raise the rest of the air fare.

Any help towards these costs will be most gratefully received, any surplus will be sent towards the costs of finding forever families for other pets currently being fostered or in one of several pounds.

Thank you so much!

please donate for Joey

Saz x

moments...

..and here we are firmly into a new year and I am sitting up wide awake in bed, yet again... I am reflecting upon what was in 2013 and what wasn't.

The 'what wasn'ts ' are left where they are, filed and duly noted, I shall unremember them.

However for the 'what was' ' and that which I choose to bring with me into 2014, are the things that are memorable, enriching, happy and surprising, be them the tiniest fragment of joy or the biggest new thing on the block!

I didn't get off to a great start in January as we had only recently lost Mumma a few months before, the countdown to my son's second year of uni starting mud summer in the States and i was in the middle of a roller-coaster of negotiations trying to secure a business lease and plan for a potential opening. I wasn't at my best and i was running low on fuel.

However as always when faced with a challenge I was defiant and rose to several occasions, decisions with all the positivity I could muster and determined to secure a purpose for myself and create something new for the city and opportunities for like-minded creatives and enthusiasts.

For most of the year I have been up to my painted eyebrows in lists, plans, accounts, coffee by the bucket load. The summer came and went, a few calm hours spent swinging in my hammock with Monty lounging in the shade underneath!
My son bravely ventured to up-state new York, defiantly resisting a few weeks at home for the seasonal holidays, where he remains, working hard, playing too, retaining A grades all round and Skype-ing his mum on demand! Bless the boy.

My friends, as always, have supported me at every step, picked me up when I stumbled and kicked me up the bum when I doubted ...I thank you all. I only hope I give back adequately when you need me.

My siblings,with whom we initially reunited in hardened purpose and now have found ourselves in friendship, is a surprising joy and gift.

I am excited to be adding to my wee family as I am hoping to rescue a small pup and he should arrive in a few weeks  time...it will be like having a toddler in the house again. watch this space, it really all rests on whether the cat approves!!

The future is brighter, actually NO!! the NOW is brighter..I want to be present in the now, 'cos it's taken me a long time to realise, I mean really realise, that is all we have.
The past is gone, over, just a memory somewhere inside...but being present and tangibly making myself FEEL everything, every word, thought, feeling, touch...is all there is, and all there ever will be...no more what if's, no more well this might or might not happen...
It is Now writing this post, that matters and is the only real thing, this moment...

and so here is 2014, unfolding...live in each moment... now that IS exciting!

Saz x

Saz x

awards dinner

Lynn my plus 1..fellow trader and best friend  on 'red' carpet

cinders in going to the ball...

so l should be feeling er excited, proud...nah more concerned about the flab plopping out at some special moment...

Warwick Tower, my biz, was nominated for retailer of the year by a networking group back in June, the public voted for three months and then we were short-listed to the final three....( we've only been open 7 months) and tomorrow is the awards dinner at a central hotel ballroom AND a bloody red carpet an all.. and all  this is in Carlisle..

so I went and bought my first long gown, thanks tkmaxx, am sure mum was with me, she loved tkmaxximama, we used to call it...and it was the first one l looked at... a long black lace column dress, very simple, and I have shoes, vintage bag, several earrings to choose from...and if I had a bath I would soak long and bubbly, but a shower will have to suffice..

My biz partner is taking his girl and as l haven't a plus one I am taking a girl too!

so after a few glasses of Jack and a shit load of slap/make up, I am sure we will be presentable at least...now the nerves are kicking in ... and er....what if we actually won, aw lordy then I'd have to get up and make a speech...

best buy another bottle of Jack...!!


Saz x
update you all later...

as sleep eludes me

I find myself meandering through blogland and rifling through others' pages and places ,

I know I should avoid some, they only serve to remind where I cannot go... 

I have been overwhelmed with my new business in a good way and I wrap myself up in it by day and evening, my passion and now my bread and butter is one. A dream come true....you would think that would satisfy but it does not entirely. There is still this void.

Once full of family life, my children, my mum and a tie that binds, I now wander through my busy days, hands busy, mind full of tasks outstanding, plotting and planning, endless list making, all a joy,

but my heart is heavy and I cannot fill this gaping empty hole... I miss so much, and so many.

Still, I keep busy....

It has been a year already and so Moannie's/Mum's first anniversary two weeks ago was spent with my brother and sister, who made the road trip up to Carlisle. The first time anyone has been to visit me from down home, since I moved here as a weary wife and a besotted mum,  almost 18 years ago....

we knew it was a gift Mum would have wanted more than anything else, to see her three kids reunited after years of estrangement....her illness brought us together with a purpose, but her death has brought us together in friendship and for that I am thankful.

I took them on a whistle stop tour from Gretna Green, to Castlerigg Stone circle (one of my favourite places) to Keswick, Derwentwater, Grasmere, Windermere, Bowness, a three ' man ' boat trip, onto Kendal, Shap and Penrith and returning to Carlisle and food...they also visited my business Warwick Tower .

We remembered and talked about Mum a lot of the time and had some silent time in the Cathedral...which was interrupted, oddly, by an in house Jazz band...oh God how she would have laughed and loved that...as did we.

heres a few pics of our time...

siblings messing about

london girl in cashmere layers and high heels, optimistic brother forgot his coat

should have put them on the stage mrs worthington

me, big sis...attempting to hide my fear of water not being knee deep

one of the most perfect and peaceful places in the Lake District

Derwentwater

just like our Mum, sis can always strike a  glam pose

I can't help but notice a slight family resemblance

Saz x

under the same sky..

Where has the time gone, asks Lime

 indeed...

My son Patrick turned 19 in the summer, just one day before he leapt across the Atlantic to up state New York for his 2nd year of uni...I miss him. even though he has already been away from me for a year, we have been in touch, email/skype/viber more than last year.

But he is truly away from me, on another vast expanse of earth, separated. This time is different. I expressed this, though less emotionally t'other evening..and his response was, 'yeah, but mum we are under the same sky..!'
such calming, soft words, soothed.

He has been my companion, my world these last few years; his first year of uni, were my first days truly single, starting over. Loss of purpose is very hard to deal with, and each of the last three years has brought about layer upon layer of loss and partings.

He is my last born, my baby...my man child...my hero
How would life be, if he had chosen to remain with his father and sister, after the break-up.
Just by his being, he saved me; he allowed me to become a better mum; a better me.

love, labours, lost...
and found....the stages of mother/child.

god I love the very bones of the child...

keep him safe for me 'till June...

saz xx

friday the 13th...!!!

so I thought today was gonna be a lucky day..(.in denial that it could be anything less than brilliant...friday 13th ) 

 it's my holiday week, first since we opened, I didn't got to west coast of Scotland to the caravan as planned, as my pals couldn't come and didn't fancy it alone all week.... and so yep I got bored, after rearranging the house, painting furniture and cooking up a storm for one, me!

I can't ride my new bike, 'cos tyre burst straight away, brakes flucked, cantilever something or other blah blah...and well the weather is shite, and frankly I don't know how to fix it. Crap on tv.. . have run out of gin, wine and choc...

I so I am back to work early...and it's very quiet here in tower... so what now, l'll get wet feet in my flip flops on the way home, hot shower, hot food and a hot gusto praps...

ahh and only 14 weeks till Christmas, that's cheery....
.tongue stuck firmly in cheek

heyho!

Saz x