Sunday, 20 October 2013

as sleep eludes me

I find myself meandering through blogland and rifling through others' pages and places ,
I know I should avoid some, they only serve to remind where I cannot go... 

I have been overwhelmed with my new business in a good way and I wrap myself up in it by day and evening, my passion and now my bread and butter is one. A dream come true....you would think that would satisfy but it does not entirely. There is still this void.
Once full of family life, my children, my mum and a tie that binds, I now wander through my busy days, hands busy, mind full of tasks outstanding, plotting and planning, endless list making, all a joy,
but my heart is heavy and I cannot fill this gaping empty hole... I miss so much, and so many.
Still, I keep busy....

It has been a year already and so Moannie's/Mum's first anniversary two weeks ago was spent with my brother and sister, who made the road trip up to Carlisle. The first time anyone has been to visit me from down home, since I moved here as a weary wife and a besotted mum,  almost 18 years ago....

we knew it was a gift Mum would have wanted more than anything else, to see her three kids reunited after years of estrangement....her illness brought us together with a purpose, but her death has brought us together in friendship and for that I am thankful.

I took them on a whistle stop tour from Gretna Green, to Castlerigg Stone circle (one of my favourite places) to Keswick, Derwentwater, Grasmere, Windermere, Bowness, a three ' man ' boat trip, onto Kendal, Shap and Penrith and returning to Carlisle and food...they also visited my business Warwick Tower .
We remembered and talked about Mum a lot of the time and had some silent time in the Cathedral...which was interrupted, oddly, by an in house Jazz band...oh God how she would have laughed and loved that...as did we.

heres a few pics of our time...
siblings messing about

london girl in cashmere layers and high heels, optimistic brother forgot his coat

should have put them on the stage mrs worthington

me, big sis...attempting to hide my fear of water not being knee deep

one of the most perfect and peaceful places in the Lake District

Derwentwater

just like our Mum, sis can always strike a  glam pose


I can't help but notice a slight family resemblance
Saz x

Saturday, 14 September 2013

under the same sky..

Where has the time gone, asks Lime

 indeed...

My son Patrick turned 19 in the summer, just one day before he leapt across the Atlantic to up state New York for his 2nd year of uni...I miss him. even though he has already been away from me for a year, we have been in touch, email/skype/viber more than last year.

But he is truly away from me, on another vast expanse of earth, separated. This time is different. I expressed this, though less emotionally t'other evening..and his response was, 'yeah, but mum we are under the same sky..!'
such calming, soft words, soothed.

He has been my companion, my world these last few years; his first year of uni, were my first days truly single, starting over. Loss of purpose is very hard to deal with, and each of the last three years has brought about layer upon layer of loss and partings.

He is my last born, my baby...my man child...my hero
How would life be, if he had chosen to remain with his father and sister, after the break-up.
Just by his being, he saved me; he allowed me to become a better mum; a better me.

love, labours, lost...
and found....the stages of mother/child.

god I love the very bones of the child...

keep him safe for me 'till June...

saz xx

Friday, 13 September 2013

friday the 13th...!!!

so I thought today was gonna be a lucky day..(.in denial that it could be anything less than brilliant...friday 13th ) 

 it's my holiday week, first since we opened, I didn't got to west coast of Scotland to the caravan as planned, as my pals couldn't come and didn't fancy it alone all week.... and so yep I got bored, after rearranging the house, painting furniture and cooking up a storm for one, me!

I can't ride my new bike, 'cos tyre burst straight away, brakes flucked, cantilever something or other blah blah...and well the weather is shite, and frankly I don't know how to fix it. Crap on tv.. . have run out of gin, wine and choc...

I so I am back to work early...and it's very quiet here in tower... so what now, l'll get wet feet in my flip flops on the way home, hot shower, hot food and a hot gusto praps...

ahh and only 14 weeks till Christmas, that's cheery....
.tongue stuck firmly in cheek

heyho!

Saz x
 

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

this was my truth


love is selfish
love is bickering
love is settling
love is destructive
love is struggling
love is being afraid
love is claustrophobic
love is one sided
love is being lonely
love is manipulation
love is, as and when
love is anger
love is antagonistic
love is feeling lost
love is betrayal,
love is for the kids' sake,
love is demeaning
love is self serving
and unkind
love is losing yourself

this
          is now my truth

love is comfortable
love is feeling alive
love is sharing
and caring
love is friendship
love is liking him/her
love is in the easy silence
and in the laughter,
and sharing the detail
love is the fun and the silliness,
love is everything I thought it could not possibly be,
love is within our grasp
love is in the unexpected
love is sometimes letting go,
because you must,
love is forever

saz x



Sunday, 18 August 2013

new chapters....

This was taken just as my son Patrick left for the airport on Thursday
he is now comfortably settled into his suite at SUNY
we have talked on skype/viber
and I am suitably reassured now that I have seen him
and approved his new digs
heyho...it is what it is
but am unsure as to what happens now....lol


 Saz x

Thursday, 15 August 2013

Big Day

I have just finished helping my son pack his bags,
yes he is leaving, again,
this time last year he was preparing for his first year of uni,
today well yesterday really, he turned 19...jeez how fast it flies...
and tomorrow, well today,
    are you still with me? He leaves for america, suni Binghamton, NY..until june 2014..
please take care of him over there...watch out for him, he is my baby..yes all 6'2" of him, dimples an all..

this is what we strive for, work for, prepare them and praps not so well, prepare us for...time to fly...

SOAR!! I love the very bones of you Patrick!! I am soo proud....
don't forget to call, text, email, skype or even write..

I almost forgot it was my birthday on friday last, scary numbers, how long can I go on saying I'm 48 I wonder!!


Like a moth to a flame...

Everything changes, nothing stays the same, so the saying goes, and yet here I am in a space where nothing has seemingly changed; it is just...