unexpected MOT

yesterday was one of those days, it was completely out of my control! I had been at work an hour when suddenly out of nowhere, a searing red pain halted me in my tracks, right through my sternum and proceeded to move around my chest to settle in the back..breathless and clammy I gingerly walked to reception and got cover...and went and sat outside with a glass of water...

One hour later I was admitted into hospital, chest really painful.. it felt like major muscle cramps but I could tell everyone at work was concerned I was having a heart attack. One Tracer, Ecg, blood tests, chest xray, cannula, painkillers and the magic aspirin later...and I dozed most of the afternoon away, despite the poor old lady with dementia beside me, continuously shouting, 'what shall I do....lay down and die!'

The Consultant visited and proclaimed me healthy in heart, bloods and chest, telling me that I had probably had  Oesophageal Spasms and linked it to my ibs, reassuring me that the first episode is similar to heart pains and that I had done the right thing getting it checked out.

Feeling like I had been dragged through a hedge backwards (and not in a good kinky way), and quite refreshed for my daytime sleeps, I got dressed and went home, greeted by one hungry cat and my beckoning bed.
Well I did get a free MOT out of the day and seemingly a clean bill of health!

Saz x

looking in the mirror...

I am in reflective mood and in a bit of a rut,

whilst trying to make things work,

I'm swinging from low to high,

back and forth...

I find writing down my mish-mash of thoughts always helps

and so I'm thinking about how in the last three years,

my long marriage broke up, 

I moved house with my son,

in the process my daughter withdrew from me.

I got divorced.

A lovely man found me and then I lost him.

My son left home for university and

my mum fought a year long cancer battle,

then died.

I moved house, again.

Now I am at a crossroads, 

no responsibilities other than myself, 

with no real social or personal life, 

I am focusing on the things I CAN change,

new business waiting in the wings, 

or rather the red tape to be cut through, 

then day by day, I begin..

written out like this and read over and over,

it reads like a pity party (well it is, I am)

but I always get up in the morning and begin again,

day after day... 

I want more... so quitting isn't an option

but jeez is it tough...

two steps forward, one step back, 

it's all progress

saz x

like the advert said..

from Virginia slim's advert.... 

but then thought better of it 'cos well it's ciggie advert 

and well it was just the phrase that came to mind... 

as I sit here looking back on how far I've come 

from this very moment three years ago

here's to the next three and the three after that.....

thank you to all my blog pals 

and to Charlotte, Lynn, Debbie, Mand and Rick, 

and to Moannie and J.P and 

to all the special lovelie's I cannot mention here..

but most of all to my son Patrick, 

who stayed with me... propped me up, every step,

and for who I stayed strong

and who now is making his own way.

As am I

Saz x

Lest I remember..

the things that hurt and undo me... I continue to remain focused on the new home, the new venture, oh and the cat! Thank god for that wee ball of fluff!

The new project is in full swing; the public meeting went well with 40 people turning up to hear our song. 13 have signed up and promised to pay the dollar. We are on track for taking on the lease on 1st March (cross everything please) and to open mid March.  We (Stuart, my biz partner @ Very Vintage Affairs) have decided to name the venue Warwick Tower.....because the road is Warwick and the building has a tower...well duh, simples!

WARWICK TOWER
who will rescue me from the tower?

....it needs lots of creative decoration and many pots of paints, so if anyone is free weekends come help out..

While I try and get my head around the paperwork side of things, and find more stock and remodel Sara's Attic; which I have decided to call 'Molly Anne's Daughter' in tribute to the lovely Moannie..

my new tag/by line...from the book A Little Princess by Frances H Burnett,
Mum must had read it to me a hundred times before I could read, a magical story... and
I am named after the main character Sara

 it is what it is..

Molly Anne's daughter..hah!

Saz x

so what else is new?

As I have stated here before new Year's celebrations mostly leave me cold, I don't do resolutions and often find it quite a sad time, the marking of another year passing.

However this time, I have had a busy end of year, firstly with the death of Mum/Moannie and all that this involved; the preamble of another christmas without the ones I love with me, my son again spent most of Christmas and Boxing day with his father, sister and the ex-inlaws; finally l made the decision in late November to move out from the flat, to which I escaped the nastiness of events of three years ago (which we needn't rehash).

So festivities over, so much as they were, I spent the new year and few days after between work, decorating and putting up shelving in the new house and packing up the flat. I moved out last friday, with a little help from my friends, and I drove the transit van which was great fun and I have been here a week. Boxes emptied, books shelved, food stored, beds made and curtains hung. Over the next few days I have off work I shall arrange and rearrange for comfort and aesthetic satisfaction. I now have my own front door, a yard for Monty to explore, some earth to seed and grow in, and  it is so warm and cosy.

I am also involved in a new project with my biz partner, to add to our vintage fairs by opening a large venue to house traders of vintage, antiques, upcyclers, artists, crafters and more...all under one roof. We are now recruiting traders to the project and all being well will sign on the dotted next month, looking to launch the new venture around Easter time.

Enough to keep me busy, out of trouble and full of purpose? hmmmm

2013 bring it on!

so what else is new with you?

saz x

casting off...

it will be three years in February
since my known world shattered,
leaving sharp fragments upon the floor
I didn't know how to start over,
I left and rebuilt a life for my son and I.
I fought myself and my thoughts and my mind
daily,
moment by moment,
step by hesitant step, I fought my way back,
in a place to hide, behind walls,
the unknown more frightening
than the existence I left behind.
Fear walked beside me, shadowing my every move,
until I found space and myself.

Sara... a woman I had lost, hidden behind, wife and mother,
focus and purpose in the blanket of the daily routine.

And now I have learned how it is to love and give love without fear,
coercion, imagined or real, I had lost the ability to know the difference.

Now I have learned what it is to be loved, cherished,
if only for a time,
I knew it, I believed it, I loved and always will.

Meanwhile, I am comforted by it,
so sad at losing it, losing him,
Was it real, did it happen, was it a lie?
I felt it and I believed it, I was in wonder,
that's enough for me,
even if I wasn't enough for him.

My son is settled, studying hard, playing harder, planning to spend the next academic year in America,
largely my job is done, no longer needed in the only way I know.
Now I can only watch from the sidelines as he lives and learns, his way.

Now preparing for yet another move,
as I clean, sweep and paint my soon to be new home,
a new view, a new focus a new adventure.

I know this time, it is on my own terms, my decision, my choice,
I may be alone, but now,
I hope, I believe in better and I believe in me

I will never give myself up again,
                                and I will never give up...

Sara

the winds of change

everything changes is that which we know to be a universal truth.
And change is the nature of my life in recent years; the last three to be exact. Many of you know of my 'life changing' events which have occurred over the last three years, for those of you, dear reader, curious enough, help yourself and browse through the archive
and
yet still I rise...

I expected some difficult decisions in the new year, but as is the way of things it seems I have little control and opportunities present themselves and well I have little to do but say yes or no.

And so I am beginning to sort through the detritus of this apartment and being really tough with myself; as I am moving home in mid January. I knew this could realistically happen, as the flat is pretty big, even for two, but for just me, well it's too big. Too big, to stay here alone, with short visits at the end of term. I rattle around, baking, cooking, procrastinating, remembering when the two of us, my son and I, comfortably got on with our new lives since the family split.

And I find I often look around and see 'him' here and there, and I cannot shake it, so as 'he' won't be back anytime never, I have to move on and moving on means moving out. A small little fact is that I can't afford it anymore, rather than scrimp and scrape I want to have a life and be able to afford to enjoy it, if only a little bit more.
I had hoped, day dreams really, that perhaps, just maybe, I would somehow stay and share the home, but that was not to be. My stupid. You only hear what you want to hear, I find.

Downsizing, yep that about covers it. The new place still has two good size bedrooms, a smaller living room, tiny kitchen and bathroom, AND a yard and some earth to plant flowers and roses and lavender. An outside space is crucial to my sanity. I may be losing the magic garden, but this will be mine own. My own front door, behind which I will begin again and have new memories to look upon.

'never give up' my new mantra, inked on my wrist, lest I forget.

Saz x