endings...

they say everything comes to an end, and we all know this to be true.
In nature and life we go through cycles ad infinitum,
the thing of it is we know this, but the living of it sometimes is more than difficult.
each cycle, like the seasons, renew and end and mostly we hardly notice as the joins are seemingly inviisible. It's only with retrospect and perspective can we look back and see where those turns and bends in our roads actually took place.

The mistakes made
bad choices
wrong decisions.
often times we don't bother with regret
just the knowing is enough.
We roll our proverbial sleeves up and plod on, and on...

In the last twelve months, the bends, sharp corners and blind summits have been obvious. Every step of the way has been painful. Most of the year has been utterly out of my control and I have just had to follow through, masking the pain, sadness and the fear. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Not something I wanted to think about. Inevitable yes, at some time in the future, but I expected small breaks and hiccups. Not endings and partings one after another. I knew it was coming.. not perhaps best prepared, for the deep feeling of emptiness is overwhelming.

My mother, my daughter, my son, my lover.

I can only watch and wait,
                              hope and believe.


'If you love someone,
set them free,
if they come back,
they're yours,
if they don't they never were.'           Richard Bach

saz x

back soon with cheerier stuff..

Our Beautiful Mum...

I have given a lot of thinking time to this post, but as I don't seem to be able to arrange the words in the right order, I'm just typing and letting it flow..

Many of you will have read today's sad post on Mum/Moannie's Blog, for those who have not I am sorry to have to tell you that Mum passed away on Monday evening.

She is at peace and no longer suffering and for that my family and I are grateful. The loss is overwhelming.

Mums blog will remain online indefinitely and if anyone comments or asks a question we will be monitoring it and try our best to respond.

The View from this End is a fitting tribute to Mum's spirit, humour, courage and character and for that reason alone we shall keep it 'live'. Of course for the family it is also a special place where we very much feel she is there.

Thank you also for all the tributes, cards and gifts, we cannot thank you enough.

Much love Mum,

always,
              Saz x


I have been asked about flowers for Mum and of course she loved flowers and they are most welcome; however  she did mention that she wanted us to support Demelza Childrens' Hospices  in her name. It is an East Kent based charity which she supported and admired.

weekend wedding

I've been wanting to post something light and have been so discombobulated I haven;t been able to dream anything up; until I emptied the contents of my  mobile phone and checked out all the photos l've taken..467!!!

last month I was so privileged to be part of one of my best friends wedding...now I am not a fan of weddings. Not because of my own history, but I just don;t like the frufru dresses, the hypocrisy of marrying in a church the couple never attend blah blah blah.

however this one was different. a true love story for one of my best friends, yes I am lucky as I have a handful of great girl friends, most of whom I have befriended since we moved 'oop north'. All married except for Charlotte (oh and of course me nowadays!)

Charlotte met Scott just under two years ago, in her freinds kitchen, how the two hadn't crossed paths there  before is beyond us all. Neither have been married before, both hovering on either side of 40 and so crazy about each other, it's lovely to see and hear.

I was one of two er bridesmaids or supporters or best women and was so proud to be asked. Four months in the planning, to be honest everything was organised within the first month of the booking of the civil ceremony. I think I was more excited for them than they were. We all like a happy ending don't we!

So here are few pics to give you a taste of the day. Informality was the order of the day, keep it simple Charlotte said, and to wear whatever you want, I want everyone to be comfortable and to just be there, except my girls have to really posh it up!!

      

                                          

                                                                  saz, charlotte & jaci all dressed up and ready to go

                                              

                                                                  Mr & Mrs                       

Kim, Scott, Charlotte, Jaci, Saz and the boys

the tullie house workers

Charlotte and I

the wedding party

let them eat cake!

the first dance

spreading a little bit of happiness xx

It's been a while...

... and l'm afraid I haven't had the heart or mind to blog or write anything.

It's been a pretty turbulent year on many levels; the hardest has been  my Mum/Moannie's terminal cancer diagnosis, her care and treatments, lots of juggling amongst family and friends. Mum is home for the moment from the hospice and settled quietly in at home. Dad is being pretty awesome being her main carer for the last year, despite his own health issues, although now he is supported by a team of hospice nursing staff and carers.

Mum early last month in her sunny garden

During the summer my son gained two A* grades, one A grade and two B grades in his exams and so he is now busy preparing for his big adventure!
With mixed emotions we will be packing up the car and driving the contents of his two rooms (or so it seems) to Lancaster University!

My lovelee son, my date at my pals wedding

Then I will make a quick exit and return to our roomy flat and for the first time in a lifetime it will be just me, (oh and kitty) and I will reflect on the losses of this year and ruminate on the future.

I wonder...!?*

Mostly I just hope.

Saz xx

I have a new man in my life...

yes I do... and he has moved in!!
He does have expectations, he doesn't pay rent,  I provide food and drink, and he demands my sole attention. He likes me to stroke him and play with him and his boys toys... sometimes he likes to chase me up and down the stairs...he keeps anti social hours and doesn't come to bed until 4 or 5am...when he does he gets up close and personal and his facial hair tickles a lot..
He loves to cuddle and snuggle and loves a morning lay in...I think he loves me cos he purrs a lot, and is a sucker for a good rub on his tummy, in fact he just rolls over and takes it all...what more could a girl want?


A real man? nah I'm all done with that. 
Meet Monty... 9 weeks old. I took him in last week and his owners now can't look after him. So what would you do take him to a refuge? Give him away to a good home? Or keep him? Yeah yeah, l know, but I couldn't resist...

                                           

Saz xx

in stone or in sand?

… and in one day life changed

when you

touched my caged heart

and breathed for me.

So I took a chance,

together we opened  the door,

Overwhelmed

by your gentleness,

your affection,

the butter soft skin

and that Smile…

we soared

higher

 ‘etched in stone or scratched in the sand’

entwined, hopeful…

When you left,

the air became stale,

tinged

with a torrent of hurt

I, respectful of your choices

and  needs,

lay still,

lungs  bursting,

my loins weep

and long for you

an ache that burns through my day

and my skin stings

where your fingers once

aroused and soothed,

your lips, enflamed,

your words

filled me with laughter

and

 fulfilled me with love

and hope.

And now,

our love ,

 suspended

l miss your blue, blue eyes,

I still see their sadness,

I want to drain them of your doubts and guilt,

and fill them with belief

whilst I am left sitting

on the sharp edge of pain…

but yet,

still,  I believe 

Mama

A while back I felt compelled to draw a picture of Mum/Moannie.

I have only ever painted one other portrait, in the '80's of my namesake Sara who was about three at the time...now a married lady.

So I gave it a go...and after several days of looking at the drawing I gathered the courage to add some watercolour..

I was scared that I would overdo the paint and lose the impression I wanted...which was to capture the essence of Mum...which I believe I have in her eyes and lovely mouth..

I did however overwork it...and completely lost the fluidity and looseness I liked before I spoiled it.
Luckily l took a digital image of it at it's best and I had this enlarged and printed.

l presented Mum and Dad with it and they were delighted.