an enigmatic state!?

Happiness. Contentment. Joy. Pleasure. These are words we throw around, but I wonder if rarely do we really think about them and mean them? Understand them? Feel them. Is it a matter of subjectivity or perspective. In part I think yes, but I also believe in general terms the measure is the same yardstick of feeling. Of emotion.

Moannie and I were recently talking about the value of these words. Of how we of course aspire and hope. To feel them. The real deal.

We often innaely dribble out these words, about how happiness is all we want to feel. For ourselves. For our children. For mankind. Humanity. But it is such an elusive and transitory state . A state of mind that is transitory at best. Not available by request. It does not keep us alive. Though these states do nurture and nourish us. Keep us on track. A carrot to keep us on the road of hope.

I do not believe that happiness is a state of mind. I believe that happiness is a momentary state. More slippery than many its contemporaries. Mithering about the lack of happiness in our lives, like feeling regretful is not purposeful nor is it aspirational. It cannot be brought about by desire. It just happens. It is the purist of emotions. An undiluted mix of pleasure & joy.

Contentment is a state of mind, for me. Attainable. Brick by brick we can build ourselves a warm blanket of contentment, safety and security. It is personal. A matter of perspective.

Joy is an emotion we can experience by recall. Of memory. Sparked by music, a song, a letter, a moment past. We can relive. By choice. At our own request.

Pleasure is immediate. Pleasure is Food. Art. Books. Physical. Family. Sex. Breathing life. Different pleasures for us all. Pleasure can be cultivated. Seeded. Ploughed and harvested. Replanted. Bought or home grown. Borrowed. Bought. Given away.

A droplet of contentment, a rash of happiness, a storm of joy, a blanket of good fortune or a flush of pleasure.

I wonder which state do you yearn for?

Moment by moment...

sweet smell of success

l shouldn't have worried really,
on the back of a week of hell
no one could blame me for being a miss doubting thomas

but the proof was in the pudding
and lemon drizzle cakes

and cream scones

and buttered tea bread

' Just the Biscuit'

all manner of kitchenelia

my own stall

'Bag Diva'

...bags of vintage style..

new venture

on the back of my former Vintage website

I have recently  morphed and started to build an old interest and hobby

into a fledgling business, 

BAG DiVA

selling my handbag collection at fairs in the County

as there is nothing in our part of the county

I taken the bull by the proverbials and 

organised Fairs in Carlisle, bi-monthly over 2012

with Stuart, a local fellow Vintage enthusiast and dealer...

introducing Very Vintage Affairs

rather self explanatory...

been 6 months in the planning

and next Saturday is our toe in the water first affair

will post pics of the event ..

wish you all could come...

Saz x

A Fell and a Fall

A couple of weekends ago a friend from work asked me join him on a 'gentle' walk on the Fells. I've lived in Cumbria since 1996 and often wanted to go fell walking, but it never happened for one reason or another and l'm not the type to take myself off alone. After all l've always been told l'm clumsy, awkward, uncoordinated and have a hopeless sense of direction.

This gentle walk started on a  very steep incline, all rocky, and l felt l was scrambling  on all fours more than l was hill bloody walking. If l had been alone l surely would've turned back if it hadn't looked so impossible steep downhill. But my fellow walker was very enthusiastic and supportive, especially over a very icy and slippery stream, and yes l did end up on my arse! Butt then so did he!

As we took a break for water and nibbles for the 12h  time, boy was he right about my inadequate supplies of  sustenance. I took two bananas and a snickers bar with me. he pulled a face and sent me shopping in the market for sandwiches which I obediently did, knowing full well I wouldnt eat them as I don't have much of an appetite these days. HOW WRONG WAS I! My body screamed out for water at every 50 metres and food every 100 metres (or yards in my imperial brain) and thanks for the large bar of Milka which I gnashed my way through on the way down.

Approaching the nub of rocks that formed the summit, I smiled and sighed stating I would wait here, as I hadn't another metre of ascent in me. Adrian told me I had to go up there as the only way down was on the other side.. Smart man!! Simple Sara! He lied.....how do l not know when l'm being lied to. I just swallow every work l'm told. Gullible or stupid! Duh!

I crawled with much noisy moaning to the top, okay summit...and stood in frozen sunlight, in total awe!!

Bessy Boot , Rosthwaite Fell, Borrowdale.

l'm sure you agree it was worth the nearly 6 hours of climb and descent. I wasn't clumsy apparently, nor moaning, if l were uncoordinated I would've made a cockup of the whole day....but l didn't.

It was great fun and very satisfying and I didnt ache all that much the next day, surprisingly!

However as smug as I was not having met with incident nor accident on the fells, I have to admit, that as I walked downstairs to the kitchen to make a cuppa tea, my phone went off and as I checked it, I missed the bottom step entirely.....and sprained my ankle, all puffed up and blue tinged, I limped for three days and its still tender.

What is the message here...?

2011 and all that..

just reflecting some on the year that was.......  and if I think clearly, which admittedly is a little difficult at this very end of the year, I actually have to confess it was in the most part good in fact I would even go so far as to say a large part of it was great, even special.

However, that best part of it, remains in my pocket, to reflect upon later when l am stronger.

My divorce in September was a huge milestone to reach, kinda crept up upon me as living through it and past it, my feeling was that it was a long time coming. Well yes in fact a longer time coming than just the legal aspects...years long overdue, and that is down to me too. I couldn't do it, even though I should have. I don't give up easily and until presented with a fait accomplis, a no choice scenario, l caved. It wasn't worth fighting for.

As Joni says, '..l look at life from both sides now, from win and lose, and still somehow its lifes illusions l recall...I really don't know love at all...''

Moving on....and the back end of the year has brought some major bumps; restructuring at work, with my job of 8 years  ending and now an unattractive prospective position, I will be interviewed next week.

Time will tell, it always does. I am a fatalist and what is meant to be, will be.

I've not been lucky with my health this year, well with the bloody neck injury and now l am off work again with other issues, but it is allowing me to do all manner of soft activities and l am painting and writing again, which is great.

Of course the biggest bump in the road has been Mum / Moannie's sudden illness and diagnosis, coming to terms with this and managing the day to day isn't easy, but we are all managing under the circumstances. I visit as often as l am able and hope to again mid January.

My son will, results allowing, leave for University after the summer (god yes summer is on its way yay!!) and I will be so happy for him, a great big fat adventure. Then mine will begin perhaps it already has and l just can't see it.....

And so upon reflection, the year has taken a downturn, just as I had begun to believe again... but at least I believe now.

Even though  2012 may bring great sadness, a sadness I have never known, I believe and I hope...and somehow that is enough ...'cos it will see me and mine through....

and so yes to 2012 and all that....

Saz xx

rocking around the christmas tree...

...am so not!

there has been a lot of 'rocky' but not in the dancin' sense and not in the Sly Stallone sense either...more like a rocky road, without the chocolate topping. I jest, but then one needs to joke or else heads will explode and who would clear up the mess!

It is Christmas day already and as per usual my eyes won't shut. Mind won't stop thinking. So in a minute l'll sup another cuppa camomile tea and lay in the dark counting virtual maltesers!

I've spent a  quite and simple evening, in a candle lit room and by god did it get warm, l wouldn't have thought that candles give off that much heat but the Galileo thermometer even stopped working! My son and I watched 'It's a wonderful life', as is tradition on christmas eve in this house and of course I wept on cue.

I am looking forward to the morning, which is nearly here, as lordy it's already 3.20am. Santa has been and left overflowing stockings for the 'kids'. My son is with me till noon, then I drive him halfway to his Dad's, with a cold war meeting in a car park to exchange said son and deliver daughters pressies as I won't be seeing her this Christmas. A first and it certainly won't be the last. And it's her 20th birthday on tuesday and  well I'll be thinking of her, after all they all fly the nest at some time don't they.

ah well, no pity party here...l may yet rock around the christmas tree...
                                the gin queens are talking about reuniting on new years eve......
                                                             
                                                      and it's not over till the fat lady sings after all!

Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night

saz x

simple pleasures

ahhh  my new goosey quilt...heaven (uh well almost!)

icing the Christmas cake...now just have to wait till Christmas day for the first slice, why is that, what stops us from having a slice sooner?

the twinkling of the fairy lights draped over the mantelpiece and bookshelves...think l'll leave them there after Christmas  they are lovely

making another list...and checking it twice

listening to christmas carols, whilst wrapping yet another 'last' impulse buy for under the tree

silent night, why does it make my eyes leak?

flickering candles out of the corner of my eye... on my bedside...a warm red comforting glow

the rustling of this new quilt whilst I type in bed...thankful for the company of its noise in the quiet

the sound of far away traffic through the slightly open window, gently reminding me there is something going on out there...

my son thumping down the stairs from his attic hideaway, from time to time, scavenging in the fridge for another bite to eat

long dark nights in, mooching about, long oily baths and gazing into the red hot fire...even though its artificial...dreaming l'll have a real one again some day

and soon....
the bins will be full of wrappings and left over food... a scattering of pine needles will be clinging for dear life hiding between the carpet and the skirting boards.. and the kids will go back to school and routine...

and we'll be gazing into springs beginnings...
                                                      not long now

Saz x