A Fell and a Fall

A couple of weekends ago a friend from work asked me join him on a 'gentle' walk on the Fells. I've lived in Cumbria since 1996 and often wanted to go fell walking, but it never happened for one reason or another and l'm not the type to take myself off alone. After all l've always been told l'm clumsy, awkward, uncoordinated and have a hopeless sense of direction.

This gentle walk started on a  very steep incline, all rocky, and l felt l was scrambling  on all fours more than l was hill bloody walking. If l had been alone l surely would've turned back if it hadn't looked so impossible steep downhill. But my fellow walker was very enthusiastic and supportive, especially over a very icy and slippery stream, and yes l did end up on my arse! Butt then so did he!

As we took a break for water and nibbles for the 12h  time, boy was he right about my inadequate supplies of  sustenance. I took two bananas and a snickers bar with me. he pulled a face and sent me shopping in the market for sandwiches which I obediently did, knowing full well I wouldnt eat them as I don't have much of an appetite these days. HOW WRONG WAS I! My body screamed out for water at every 50 metres and food every 100 metres (or yards in my imperial brain) and thanks for the large bar of Milka which I gnashed my way through on the way down.

Approaching the nub of rocks that formed the summit, I smiled and sighed stating I would wait here, as I hadn't another metre of ascent in me. Adrian told me I had to go up there as the only way down was on the other side.. Smart man!! Simple Sara! He lied.....how do l not know when l'm being lied to. I just swallow every work l'm told. Gullible or stupid! Duh!

I crawled with much noisy moaning to the top, okay summit...and stood in frozen sunlight, in total awe!!

Bessy Boot , Rosthwaite Fell, Borrowdale.

l'm sure you agree it was worth the nearly 6 hours of climb and descent. I wasn't clumsy apparently, nor moaning, if l were uncoordinated I would've made a cockup of the whole day....but l didn't.

It was great fun and very satisfying and I didnt ache all that much the next day, surprisingly!

However as smug as I was not having met with incident nor accident on the fells, I have to admit, that as I walked downstairs to the kitchen to make a cuppa tea, my phone went off and as I checked it, I missed the bottom step entirely.....and sprained my ankle, all puffed up and blue tinged, I limped for three days and its still tender.

What is the message here...?

2011 and all that..

just reflecting some on the year that was.......  and if I think clearly, which admittedly is a little difficult at this very end of the year, I actually have to confess it was in the most part good in fact I would even go so far as to say a large part of it was great, even special.

However, that best part of it, remains in my pocket, to reflect upon later when l am stronger.

My divorce in September was a huge milestone to reach, kinda crept up upon me as living through it and past it, my feeling was that it was a long time coming. Well yes in fact a longer time coming than just the legal aspects...years long overdue, and that is down to me too. I couldn't do it, even though I should have. I don't give up easily and until presented with a fait accomplis, a no choice scenario, l caved. It wasn't worth fighting for.

As Joni says, '..l look at life from both sides now, from win and lose, and still somehow its lifes illusions l recall...I really don't know love at all...''

Moving on....and the back end of the year has brought some major bumps; restructuring at work, with my job of 8 years  ending and now an unattractive prospective position, I will be interviewed next week.

Time will tell, it always does. I am a fatalist and what is meant to be, will be.

I've not been lucky with my health this year, well with the bloody neck injury and now l am off work again with other issues, but it is allowing me to do all manner of soft activities and l am painting and writing again, which is great.

Of course the biggest bump in the road has been Mum / Moannie's sudden illness and diagnosis, coming to terms with this and managing the day to day isn't easy, but we are all managing under the circumstances. I visit as often as l am able and hope to again mid January.

My son will, results allowing, leave for University after the summer (god yes summer is on its way yay!!) and I will be so happy for him, a great big fat adventure. Then mine will begin perhaps it already has and l just can't see it.....

And so upon reflection, the year has taken a downturn, just as I had begun to believe again... but at least I believe now.

Even though  2012 may bring great sadness, a sadness I have never known, I believe and I hope...and somehow that is enough ...'cos it will see me and mine through....

and so yes to 2012 and all that....

Saz xx

rocking around the christmas tree...

...am so not!

there has been a lot of 'rocky' but not in the dancin' sense and not in the Sly Stallone sense either...more like a rocky road, without the chocolate topping. I jest, but then one needs to joke or else heads will explode and who would clear up the mess!

It is Christmas day already and as per usual my eyes won't shut. Mind won't stop thinking. So in a minute l'll sup another cuppa camomile tea and lay in the dark counting virtual maltesers!

I've spent a  quite and simple evening, in a candle lit room and by god did it get warm, l wouldn't have thought that candles give off that much heat but the Galileo thermometer even stopped working! My son and I watched 'It's a wonderful life', as is tradition on christmas eve in this house and of course I wept on cue.

I am looking forward to the morning, which is nearly here, as lordy it's already 3.20am. Santa has been and left overflowing stockings for the 'kids'. My son is with me till noon, then I drive him halfway to his Dad's, with a cold war meeting in a car park to exchange said son and deliver daughters pressies as I won't be seeing her this Christmas. A first and it certainly won't be the last. And it's her 20th birthday on tuesday and  well I'll be thinking of her, after all they all fly the nest at some time don't they.

ah well, no pity party here...l may yet rock around the christmas tree...
                                the gin queens are talking about reuniting on new years eve......
                                                             
                                                      and it's not over till the fat lady sings after all!

Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night

saz x

simple pleasures

ahhh  my new goosey quilt...heaven (uh well almost!)

icing the Christmas cake...now just have to wait till Christmas day for the first slice, why is that, what stops us from having a slice sooner?

the twinkling of the fairy lights draped over the mantelpiece and bookshelves...think l'll leave them there after Christmas  they are lovely

making another list...and checking it twice

listening to christmas carols, whilst wrapping yet another 'last' impulse buy for under the tree

silent night, why does it make my eyes leak?

flickering candles out of the corner of my eye... on my bedside...a warm red comforting glow

the rustling of this new quilt whilst I type in bed...thankful for the company of its noise in the quiet

the sound of far away traffic through the slightly open window, gently reminding me there is something going on out there...

my son thumping down the stairs from his attic hideaway, from time to time, scavenging in the fridge for another bite to eat

long dark nights in, mooching about, long oily baths and gazing into the red hot fire...even though its artificial...dreaming l'll have a real one again some day

and soon....
the bins will be full of wrappings and left over food... a scattering of pine needles will be clinging for dear life hiding between the carpet and the skirting boards.. and the kids will go back to school and routine...

and we'll be gazing into springs beginnings...
                                                      not long now

Saz x

I feel....

like I need to come home a while. ...I hope no one minds. I can't put my finger on it, but I have been drawn back here the last few weeks, quietly loitering. Perhaps its 'cos my new blog is now dedicated to updates about my Mama, and so I don't feel l should be writing about me and mine. So I have dusted it down and redecorated in a soothing tone to suit my mood.

So I'm gonna post here and there as and when  I feel like. Cos I CAN!!

Since I last posted, life has changed dramatically here; obviously in September I was granted my divorce and that was a incredible relief. However a downturn in Moannie's health has changed everything, my perspective in terms of it's the NOW that is important and that I should grab that thing by its balls and run with it, sod those thoughts that screw you over thinking about them ad infinitum. Do it Sara! But what that thing I'm gonna run with is, has yet to present itself..... though l do have a few new ideas l am kicking around!

Also my job situation is very precarious, I have applied for voluntary redundancy as it would fit quite well with what's going on here just now, but its been refused, so I will probably end up doing a job I don't care for, but I have to swallow that too. For now.

My kids are in great shape. I have only seen my daughter twice this year as lives with her Dad now, and she returns from uni next week, it would be lovely to see her, but she is a very different place and time, so I go with the flow. My lovely son is the rock he has always been, and even more so right now, bless him. Does he know how much I adore him?  Do they ever realise the impact they have? I bet he can't wait to go to uni next year, and break the apron strings. I can't even bear to think about being here alone, but he will have a great time l know it, so I keep imagining a new start somewhere far away, but that is really not gonna be practical on many levels.

I have a few more weeks off work, with the residue  of my whiplash injury playing up in this damp weather and a couple of other health issues. So christmas prep is done and dusted, cake made, pressies wrapped (such as they are) and if I can be arsed I may put up the tree. the kids are to their Dad's this year and l am gonna lounge on the couch with Jack and Jimmy .....   (Daniels & Hendricks have you met them?) and on New Years eve lets kick the year up its butt big time. I am hopeful the Gin Queens will reunite to repeat last years' escapade in town!!

Hogarth would have been proud!

Saz x

(it's good to be back)

inching closer

..and closer...this time next Wednesday I will be a single girl. Unmarried. Divorced.

When I received word that my divorce had been granted (on my terms) I was ecstatic, beside myself. It felt like a validation, someone believed me and agreed with my words and feelings.

And yet..the last couple of days have brought feelings of ambivalence and then some sadness, which is to be expected, but frankly I don't like it. It's too near the flat empty place I lived within for so long. I refuse to drown myself in such dampness and hopelessness.

After collecting my decree absolute, freshly stamped and with the ink of the Judge's signature still wet; I will be gathering with my friends. Those who helped me and encouraged me when I needed and when I didn't; those who sat quietly when I needed and who shouted at me when they believed I needed. Some of you are not able to be here in person, so I will raise my glass and think of you often.

I shall not dwell in sadness. I shall keep a torn corner of it and reflect upon it's making from time to time, with renewed perspective and lust for the adventures yet to happen...

I dwell in possibility....

Sara x

p.s. this will  be my final post in this place, as I feel it is now full and complete. I have moved to a new place, a new wide open blank canvas... waiting to be written.  You are welcome to join me.

A pain in the neck

(although I now occupy a new space in blogland, I can't quite vacate the old homestead)

These days I think it's always wise to expect the unexpected and sure thing Monday was one of those days.....

I got shunted and not in a good way, stationary waiting for a jcb to cross in front of my car at road works, the driver behind, just didnt notice or something and rearended me big time, and promptly drove off.

Forward to Tuesday and after police, statements and the locating by them of the aforementioned driver, I was beginning to feel the effects, my car needs some tlc, a new bumper and spoiler and I need tlc and a new spine. Well not quite I am exaggerating  a little.

I spent tuesday from 4pm, trussed up like a christmas turkey, flat on my back, neck in a brace and my head taped to the table in a large contraption. Took 6 people to roll me here there and everywhere. Xrays, bedpans, URGH!  AND no movement at all, fearful that the whip lash had cracked a vertebrae or worse.

My only view was of  the ceiling tiles for nearly 24 hours, and then the MRi . That was an experience, anyone I know who has had one, has said it claustrophobic and noisy at best. I found the clanging quite rhythmic and so I heard a melody in there and was only woken by my own snoring!  (btw I'm sure I don't snore)

The consultant released me from my prison bed after the MRi. The good news was nothing was cracked or broken. I apparently have severe arthritis in my neck now as well as my lower back, though neither gives me any jip really. The whiplash effect has displaced a disc and its pressing on a nerve that is now also dislodged, causing the numbness. With rest it may all return to normal, so a couple of weeks off. Hopefully this will do the trick otherwise I'm to go to a neurosurgeon in Newcastle..

So from my lovely bed, surrounded with books, pens, paper, music, gin - I kid you not my pal brought me a water bottle full of gin n tonic to the hospital. I KNOW who my friends are!

Having two men fuss after me last evening was quite splendid, not sure how long I can extend this treatment, but a girl has to try!

(update - the acc