the return

I know the how
I know the when
I know I am diminished by the why
and dismissal plunders deep

the skin dries, peels,
sheds
over and over
and over

the new virgin flesh
is supple and chaste
moistened

divest of mind clutter
massage gently
at the points of remember

feelings
left
to float beside me
lay comfortably

accepting
of their presence
not needing
to feel or do

it just is...


( I found this in my drafts, revisited it is even more so a truth)

One year on

and I find I am still breathing,

feeling,

loving,

holding my life in my hands

one year on

and I find I am void of anger,

bitterness,

holding still, a little disappointment

one year on,

I find much is the same,

friends, family

others,

holding me back from shadow

one year on

and I find I like myself, 

no longer lost,

hidden, 

settling for less, for the sake of  'us',

holding on to the real me again

one year on,

and I find much is different,

mostly within me,

I hunger for life

I thirst for courage

I mostly breathe

in wonder

one year on

and I find I am filled with curiosity,

realising that what was, isn't all there is,

isn't all there should be,

holding out for a better way,

a better me

14th February 2011

Bottoms up!

Cheers! Slainte! Prost! L'chaim! 
Skal!  Na zdoroviel!  Sante!
cin cin!
 Up yours!

time for extreme measures...

everything is just fine here

xxxx

Rise, rise, rise...

For my friend 'Suburbia', for whom today I shed bucket loads,
she rose like a warrior today, I'm so proud of you,
she is fab, feisty and forty something

and for my girlies, you know who you are,

and for me

Still I Rise You may write me down in history With your bitter, twisted lies, You may trod me in the very dirt But still, like dust, I'll rise. Does my sassiness upset you? Why are you beset with gloom? 'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells Pumping in my living room. Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise. Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries. Does my haughtiness offend you? Don't you take it awful hard 'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines Diggin' in my own back yard. You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I'll rise. Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I've got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs? Out of the huts of history's shame I rise Up from a past that's rooted in pain I rise I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide, Welling and swelling I bear in the tide. Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear I rise Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave, I am the dream and the hope of the slave. I rise I rise I rise. Maya Angelou

Marchons! Marchons!

Flicked on the rugby, it's Six Nations time again....and phoar!!! 

Stopping by to check them there thighs,

and it's such a good game,

I haven't yet switched back

to ITV2

to gauggle at Steven Tyler 

so must be good

... and then they brought on 

Chabal

not a fan of muscley bodies

then there is always the exception

Just because I can and in case he hasn't reach your tv screen

thought I would share him with you!

My pleasure

Get a grip woman

It's a double edged sword, parenting, motherhood, you want to keep them close and safe, yet know that the whole point of it all is to let them gently, step by step find their own way out there in the big old bad world. To nurture, feed and clothe them, give them boundaries (I'm crap at that now they are older). Give them space and time, and I do honestly I try very hard not to smother. It's time to take few more steps back from them.

This last year since my son and I have lived alone, apart from my husband and my daughter, I have accepted much and discarded what I can do absolutely nothing about, to hold onto it is toxic. I am no longer lost in a mist of an unhealthy relationship and a fog of unhappiness. The kids are seemingly accepting, each facing their own patches of darkness and coming out stronger, hopefully with lessons learned, and new expectations.

I like living as a single woman I find, exploring possibilities, no longer in fear of what lies ahead.

Next Friday at 4am, yes you read that right, no typo, 4 bloody am, I shall walk my son a few hundred yards at best, around to his school, to meet the coach that will take him on his latest school trip. Patrick is going away for a 6 day trip to Paris & Brussels with his school friends and the excitement has been growing here steadily since Christmas.

This overlaps coincidentally with my 5 days off on the work rota. So l figure I will either be furiously washing and cleaning the house, or mopping about like a lost soul. I doubt it though...

Hopefully I will be somewhere in the middle of all that, by studying and perhaps even a bit of time spent drawing or painting. 

Lots of wandering around the flat semi nude, cos l am mostly a few degrees hotter than is comfortable, and just cos I can and it feels good. 

I can play my kinda music as loud as I want, (without overhead groans), listen to my 70's LP's all grainy and non digital on the old record player. 

I don't have to cook cos l need to, just cos I want to, all stuff my son doesn't like, asparagus and blue cheese risotto, creamed spinach, eat brussel sprouts raw yum, smoked haddock, Massaman curry, my own anchovies and olive pizza and spicy chicken casserole...

I'm not sure l'll have the time to miss him or worry.
Even though February hides many ghosts that will bug me...

He'll be fine and l'll be fine.
I have fine friends.

Am so very jealous though, I mean belle Paris! I can never tire of that city. To walk and walk and walk, by day and night through the early morning, buying a fresh baguette or croissants at 4am and  relishing each hot mouthful! I think I might treat myself finances allowing, post divorce (please soon) to take my self off for a long weekend there, perhaps with a pal.

Now this sounds like a plan. I shall pick up some brochures tomorrow!

I could even use my french passeport for the first time, enfin!

Saz x

and the fun continues...

a quiet night in

but went for a drink after work

which continued to the 

local Indian

yummy

 Jenni, Faye & Luce

Charlotte F is not looking to impressed 

and a rare uncensored pic of FFF

things are definitely looking up!

Have a good weekend

Saz x