What do you want to be

... when you grow up? I read an article recently which asked this question of children and  teenagers from different backgrounds, countries and cultures. It was very interesting and revealing, as the children had either very little or were privileged by way of circumstance or example. It was enriching to hear they all had aspirations and dreams, way beyond their existing horizons.

But the question kept resounding with me and I kept asking myself … 'What do I want to be when I grow up?'

Yes! I know I am grown up already, in age and definitely in experience and  perhaps in some wisdom too!I have been single. I have lived alone in dreary and lonely bedsit land. I have spent Christmas alone twice and new years eve too often to count. I have been lucky enough to travel and live in different countries in three continents, experiencing different cultures.

I have had several careers. I am a qualified hairdresser - 1970s; I am an experienced fashion  buyer, Manager and Area Manager - 1980's; I have worked in the Voluntary sector as an area development manager and I am a qualified Bookseller & Buyer with Diploma- 1990’s. I am long-time married and I have given birth to and raised two children.  The jury is out on ‘successful’. I can only hope it will be said I was a good mum, wife, daughter. 

Why does this question still resonate with me? Perhaps because I know in my mind and believe in my heart that it's never too late. I may sound like a glass half empty type of girl most of the time. But I strongly believe in Hope, that hope is actually more important than love, in that if one hasn’t love, doesn't love, one can hope. Without hope, I truly believe one is lost. So I can 

hope and I can aspire to do more, to travel, to run my own shop, to have a spare room as a library and have a beach hut or vintage trailer in the back just for me.  I study with the Open University to stretch my mind, teach and inform me so I want to continue pursuing this. When I grow up I may earn a degree or two just for me.To be trivial for a moment, when I grow up I 

would like to have the style of Paloma Picasso, the panache of Vivienne Westwood and be dressed by Chanel by day and Valentino by night; I would love to be as eloquent and passionate about art as Brian Sewell or Simon Scahma.

I've done my share of growing up, I am a grown up and allowing for the fact that one needs to make a living, do I want to do more things and have more things to do?  Or do I want to be someone or something more? Do I want to ‘be’ anything again? There is so much yet to do, to learn, to see and to say.  And as I don’t know how big a bottle I am drinking from, I can still keep drinking as I do not know when it will run out. I think it crucial to say the things that are important in that moment. 

I still have a lot of growing up to do. I hope when I grow up I won't be saying I would’ve, could’ve, should’ve. I hope I will be saying I will, I can, I shall and I’m going to start that right now…

... what do you want to be?

Piles of smack, because I'm worth it!

Over the last week or so I've been a little concerned - not just about losing things-  as my vision has been a little blurred by the middle of the afternoon.  I've been thinking that perhaps it was adjusting to my new varifocals.  I've had new frames and they are deeper than the current narrow specs in vogue, so my vision should be more balanced, but  for the sudden blurriness they have been very comfortable.

Both today and yesterday Ive also noticed that my eyes have taken on the Panda effect. My kohl eyeliner has seeped to the under part of my eyes, making my saggy bags look much more prominent looking like I've just had a good cry! Not the look I was going for at all. I have taken a little more care applying some smack in the mornings ( oops by that I mean SLAP! LOL - the only things I'm addicted to is chocolate and my kids!) 

As the new specs have a non-reflective coating, the benefit is that I have not had any 

trouble with the glare from the 47 halogen type lights  beaming into my eyes at our Reception desk at work. The downside is that my eyes are now visible and I've tried to apply the  aforementioned SMACK/SLAP with more care. I have a sallow complexion so I do have dark circles under my eyes compounded by the crinkly wrinklies which I swear appeared around my 47th birthday! 

I'm telling you all this and I apologise if it is very tedious, shallow and so far lacking in its point, but what I'm breaking to you gently is, that in my enthusiasm to masque my flaws by grouting and filling, I made one small but very vital error, I think I used too much. 

WHAT went wrong?   Well, my wrinkle cream whilst successfully tightening and smoothing out the skin under my eyes, during the course of the day it all well ... melted! Yes my smack/slap melted and it upped and ran under  and very  crucially into my eyes, causing the vision to be blurred. 

WHY and  HOW?  Well, I applied too much of this greasy magic lotion, in fact you could say I piled it on. I did this purposefully as this product is reknowed to shrink and soothe.

Its name ...?

Preparation H.  Less is more FFF, next time I shall use it in miniscule quantity!

I really NEED to find those bloody sunglasses....

There may be trouble ahead!

I haven't read many references to the current financial global crisis in blog land. Methinks  perhaps this isn't the place, its where we feel safe, away from harms way, our nest of comfort, where we are taken on vicarious adventures through (authorblog - Yukon) and (the view from this End - Mexico & Canada)  and we find like minded pals to chat with away from from our real lives and worlds.

But  I admitto being  a bit worried and not just a bit afraid, not to mention confused and utterly out of my depth. I find myself switching on the news and delving into the money pages, because I DO want to understand something,  anything about this. We wittingly put our trust in banks and to a certain extent our governments and we simple everyday folk are endanger of getting seriously burned. I'm seriously considering taking out my little stash of cash from my ISA and burying it in the garden, like what my Dad always told mewas the sensible and Napoleonic thing to do! LOL ...  at least it would be safe! But then would I be guilty of panicking and making matters worse? What to do and who to believe?

IF each person in the UK has been represented by 'giving' £1-2K to to shore up the banks and we are told we are  now shareholders in a semi-nationalised banking system, are we to understand that the returns they are mooting around, will be sent in the form of  a cheque to our home addresses .. . or stashed back into the 

government coffers in our  names, 'A TAXPAYER'...  er don't think so! Can Hadriana shine more light on this?

Laugh it makes you want to cry! I worry that  the fabric of our lives may well change because of this ... and would it be that bad actually, for less easy access credit, cheaper housing, less fat-cats benefiting from the profits of the utilities and services the public need on a day to day basis.  

I have this awful niggley feeling that there is more to come and  if this is what they are telling us, the cynic in me tells me it may be FAR worse..

I remembered that I had forgotton

... my debit card and lost my sunglasses, my itrip, my mobile phone, and one new shoe! All this is typical of one week in my mad, sad world!

In my last post I mentioned that I had left my debit card in the payment machine of TK Maxx after buying some bargain shoes, but that wasn't the whole story, not even a bit of it!

When I got home from town, long before I remembered that I had forgotten my card, I noticed that I had only one shoe from the pair I had just bought, TK Maxx discourages the use of carrier bags so I dropped them into my handbag. My bags are always large enough to carry around extra items like a pair of shoes, ironing board and the kitchen sink.

I checked the car, the driveway and I mentally retraced my steps but was at a loss to recall where the shoe might be. This is a pattern that I have to admit is being repeated not just occasionally but repeatedly with different items, several times a week. In the last week I have misplaced my mobile, which I had to report to police and I have had blocked; I cannot find my itrip which enables me to listen to my ipod in the car through the radio - don't ask me how it just does; I have left my prescription sunglasses somewhere, I know not where, I need them for driving as I hate the glare AND they make me feel fab and mysterious and I can hide behind them without eye makeup, so that's a double blow.

These lost items usually come to light after a few days or weeks. On the way over to Gateshead on wednesday my daughter mentioned that it was a shame I couldn't find my itrip, as she had her nano with her and we could have had a singalong to some show tunes. She started to look in the cubby holes as if she didn't believe me and there it was, in plain view, even though I had looked in the car numerous times! I heard her mimic me by saying, ' I suppose you were looking with your nose again!'

I found my mobile phone between the sliding back doors of the car, again I had looked there several times, but not effectively enough obviously!

After I collected my debit card from the nice lady in TK Maxx, who I swear was smirking to herself, a bit like the nice lady in the post office who saves my p/office card for me as she now knows I'll walk off without it,  just like the elderly ladies in their eighties collecting their pensions! I then went into the sweet shop opposite, which I remembered was last place I visited on wednesday for our sweetie provisions for the drive over to the Sage. I spoke, with not a little embarrassment to the owner who smiled knowingly and asked his assistant to 'Pass the lady the shoe which she left on the counter last evening.'

I thanked him profusely and left the shop with a very pink face, as

he called out to me, ' Take care now and be home before midnight Cinderella!'

My sunglasses are still missing!

Post of the day at Authorblog, thank you  David!!!

PHOTOSTORY FRIDAY - A Sage Evening

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

A few months ago my husband surprised me by agreeing to accompany me

 to my first Classical concert at The Sage, Gateshead

An evening of music including Elgar's Enigma variations 

and my very favourite classical piece 

Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No1. 

Performed by St Petersburg Philharmonic Orchestra, reputedly the best!?

The tickets have sat on the mantelpiece since they arrived. 

I rearranged my working week and then on Monday 

my husband contracted a nasty virus and he couldn't take me.

Surprisingly however my 16 yr old daughter offered to go with me, 

she seemed very genuine in her offer. 

I prevaricated a while considering the weather, 

the roadworks,  the drive (again as we were there Friday see post).

With excitement gathering for both of us, we got ready, 

filled the car with petrol, 

at which inopportune time I realised I had left my debit card in Tk maxx 's machine,

undaunted I paid cash and we were on our way.

We made great time and daughter was  whizz  at navigating. We arrived and parked.

We were both agog at the beauty of the building before us...

this is a online pic as it was by now dark and I only

 had my phone/camera, 

so sorry if this is cheating but I do have other pics.

Inside the 'foyer' I attempted to take pics,

 most were a bit fuzzy, 

but I hope you can see something of the fab design.

The hall was lovely and had a personal feel, it didn't feel huge. 

The design I'm sure lent to this impression.

The ceiling looked to me rather like piano keys, very apt I thought!

And this is teh first photo  I took, which I think sums up my excitement. 

My daughter told me I was actually shaking as we walked  across to The Sage.

The concert was awesome and a tad overwhelming hearing the music for real!

My throat and chest went tight and my heart pounded, I thought for a moment I might cry.

 Moannie told me it would feel like that.

 I had no idea! We were both blown away.

 Another memory created!

And daughter of mine,  thanks for coming with me,

 I'm thrilled you loved it too,  you continue to amaze, surprise and impress me,

and even if you were the youngest there by nearly 40 years...

...you ROCK!!

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

To cull or not to cull...

The brown parcel has arrived from DHL and I knew immediately it was the course books for my next Open University course An Introduction to Shakespeare. As I seemingly appear to have broken the backs of Philosophy, Haiku poetry and the History of Art, I thought it was time I got my head around the Bard.

Usually my heart soars when I receive the long awaited delivery, this time I admit it sank. I had already tried to postpone the start of this until the new year, but the OU were having none of it, as I had partially paid for this course with Tesco - gawdbless 'em- clubcard vouchers. It's a great offer, when Tesco send the statement with £vouchers, the OU quadruples their face value. Its very much appreciated and I thank them for returning a qui-tri-zillionth of their profits back to me, I really do. But If I had changed the date of the course the OU couldn't honour the vouchers. Sod that I wasn't gonna lose out.

So my question, to myself really is why do I put myself through this when I am juggling so many other things? Because l enjoy pressure? get high on stress ? or do I just love the feeling of isolation when I'm the moodiest person in the house and they either tread on egg shells around me or I withdraw to scowl and wither under the pressure to my room? Nah my problem is I just don't think of the bigger picture, should I? could I? would I? be able to complete this task within the parameters of my busy life? So ok, I don't practise what I preach, I tell the kids one thing for their own good and completely ignore the advice myself, when I know better!

I have 6 books to read for reviews by mid November for the Romantic Association Award thingy, and a review for the readers mag'. I have one more week of my Photoshop course. I haven't done my biz website justice since we moved home in Nov' 07 as I haven't added the stock I have bought for hopeful Christmas sales . My Etsy shop is lonely too and needs new stock. As I have only three shifts this week instead of the usual five, so I could in theory catch up a bit.

My husbands advice is to make a list and see what I can cull and then make a plan and stick to it. That's fine and dandy, but who has ever stuck to a plan with kids and a dog, a home and work. I'm not army trained and I haven't had to motivate, train and organise a team of 30+ staff for over 15 years, so where is my discipline? This isn't the same, it should be easier, it isn't, but perhaps the culling part would help!

Where to start... I guess by not taking on anything else. I seem to remember a post a while back when I muttered away about learning to say NO! Some hope.

Ikea? My idea!

My son is a growing lad he's just 14 and is 5ft 10"  so far... but his room is small at only 9ft x 9ft and he is still growing. In our former rambling farmhouse home his room was much larger and he could get up and move around a bit when prodded, to avoid bone calcification or rigamortis,  following several hours a day sitting playing his guitars or  the Internet!

In our new home, a much smaller 3 bed bungalow, we have four tall people vying for room and space. We are overflowing into greenhouses and  garage  and may have miscalculated our needs. It isn't ideal but hey that's life.  

We do feel bad for our son though and I sat down to see what I could do for him to maximise his  space. Out came ruler, pencil, tape measure and graph paper. I then measured his room, bed,  desk, drawers etc and rearranged them in several drafts. Then I got out the various catalogues to see if I could put to best use any new mix of furniture. I found the ideal items and ran the idea various layout options past husband and son. Son seemed well pleased, husband seemed happy to pay up and agree if it  maximised sons space.

So after work/school on friday night, daughter, son & I had a cuppa and  snack and drove to Gateshead Ikea. Normally a 54 minute drive - for me that is, I do drive quite quickly! LOL- but there were traffic light stops and so it took 2 hours. made note. We roamed the now doubled sales floor area of Ikea, which was surprisingly quiet, obviously a good time to visit - made 2nd mental note. After sussing out everything we needed, we adjourned for a light supper and then trolled the warehouse aisles and collected the last in stock items we wanted- Mental note#3 phone next time to check stock holding.  We had the must do ice cream on the way out and as the kids take ages to eat the bloody things, I stacked the car luckily my Citroen Berlingo forte has loads of space in it. It was by now  gone 9pm. I was cream  crackered and drove home through very heavy rain- a white knuckle ride. We  got home for 10:15pm it had taken 5 hours door to door when it should've been only 3!

On Saturday morning, we all hovered around the boxes in the hall, my daughter had some errands to run in town and my husband( looked for a way out) went to visit his  mother. We expected he wuold be out most of the afternoon. We were right! We finished the shelving unit and workspace thingy at 5:10pm, in walked husband at 5.30pm. Job done. 10 hours in total.

So is Ikea value for money? Ikea Units £155, petrol £15,  meal £10, ice creams £1.20 + 10 hours work x 2? Mmmm...

It was lovely working with my son, I learnt that he is very thorough and faster than I at working through the illustrated  instructions. 

This morning I walked in to sons room with a cuppa and asked him why his room was covered with cat hairs and fur balls. He chortled from under the quilt .... at least now he can swing a cat if he wants to!!