Like a moth to a flame...

Everything changes, nothing stays the same, so the saying goes, and yet here I am in a space where nothing has seemingly changed; it is just how I last left it.

Drawn here by the ebbing flame of our blogs. Some of you are still posting, and some, like myself, have not posted in many a year and yet many haven't yet severed the strings that bind us to blogland.

I wonder if this is because we spent so much time composing our thoughts and renting out our angst and emotions into the ether, day after day, leaving a diary like list of events in our lives or just because we still have a tie with the friends we made here? Probably a little of both and much more besides.

I feel I would like to revisit this blanket of warmth I found here and just sit within it, with us.I venture I may stay a while.

Saz x

AGE CONCERN - it's just a number! But is it really...

They say, 'It's just a number Saz, it'll be fine!'

So this is the mantra I have been hearing from people, for the past 11 months since my 59th birthday. Of course, I know it will be 'fine', I'm not totally stupid, but fine just doesn't cut it. I want something more.

Each decade brings changes, realisations, some call it a watershed, at 30, 40 or 50. I felt it at fifty, and yes change/shit did hit the proverbial shovel, but the changes which happened unwittingly over previous decades only registered upon retrospect, the wisdom comes with and beyond the changes and time served.

So the gist of it is they say, that the number won't make any difference, as it's how I feel that matters and it is exactly this. It is how I FEEL which I realise has changed so markedly in recent months. But crucially this change is because of becoming this age, they ARE linked. So indeed yes, emphatically so, the number is important.  And therein lay the power.

I do know these truths; I will be 60 in under two weeks. I will be unhappy with the number, that's a given, but I will be pleased, nay grateful, that I am still here and in one wonky piece. I have lived and loved my heart out and I have experienced many wonderful and some bad times that life has offered me, in the gradual run up to this moment of growth and realisation.

I do also know that suddenly I really don't give a shit what anyone thinks or says, unless it resonates, informs or inspires me. I am relatively healthy, I see my big kids now and then, I have two lovely dogs (and a cat, need I say more?) which keep me active and out there. I am no longer an almost OAP, as the government in their wisdom have given me another 6 years until that fate.Which is another vehemently felt post entirely. I have a small business, projects of various types on the go, which maintain the grey matter and I have a bucket list full of dreams which I call my 'fuckit list'.

Both my heart and mind remain open and I think that is all that matters. So bring it on.... I ain't dead yet!

I'm with Dylan Thomas on this one;

"Do not go gentle into that good night but rage, rage against the dying of the light."

Saz

a collaboration of bloggers

A lot of us have been talking about "getting back into" old school blogging. Just writing, chatting, supporting each other etc. 

Sadly, earlier this week we did this on hearing the awful news of Kate Sutton's tragic death, so hopefully, we can continue this is honour of Kate and a few other beloved bloggers we pay tribute to on our home page. 

The blog is in its infancy, and looks very basic - but we love it! We've even put it on Blogger, just for old times' sake. The idea is to share great blog-writing, discuss topics we're interested in and generally do what we used to do. No drama, no monetizing, no fuss! 

We welcome anyone who wants to be involved - either frequently or just a post once in a while.
Hope you like! 
Saz x

stolen by Saz written by Toni Hargis

http://www.takeitfromus.co.uk/

fbk -  takeitfromusblog

twitter-  takeitfromusUK

I could watch this over and over...

I tumbled across this last night for the second time and again I was mesmerised. Not only by this beautiful woman, her voice, her unique delivery, her character, she is 'tres minion', but obviously by her story.
I want to share it, as it deserves to be shared, yet a part of me wants to keep it all to myself.


 Saz x

New name, new mojo...

I have decided to change the name of this blog, as the fifty will no longer apply in a few weeks, shock, horror, whatever.. I'm over it!

And so cheerio to FFF, formerly 'Fat, frumpy and fifty, obviously I wasn't feeling so good about things when I first started, but you all soon put me right and my attitude changed and I changed to 'Fab, feisty and fifty'.

It's been a fabulous ten years, so let's not let it stop here, let the craziness continue...

     

Now I am FFS! (moot!) which is kinda crazy!

I so hope to see again you soon.

Saz x

My first blog post was in July 2008...

Isn't it weird how life happens, changes ...seemingly by chance or happenstance; without warning, these things just creep upon you! Other things just change like at the ring of the doorbell, or the key in the lock, an unexpected letter on the doormat...

I have been revisiting blog-land recently, for several reasons;
for my work, to research the main changes that have taken place since I last blogged regularly;
for nostalgic reasons, my mother Moannie used to blog too, and many of our bloggy pals, overlapped; when Mum/Moannie died I lost heart in posting or writing anything.

And yet, Mum/Moanie's blog is still 'alive' and her friends still drop by and say Hi now and again. I am also reminded of the friends who are still here and others who frequent other platforms.
So much has changed both online and on the home front and yet, somethings remain the same.

I began this post by saying my first ever blog post was 8 July, 2008, in this same place, this space, which I was prompted to begin, as life was changing and I needed somewhere to be safe and alone but not by myself.

I was also becoming aware of changes within, midlife changes, approaching my 50th birthday and personal circumstance changes, and that which was unknown at that time, yet on the horizon and about to change the world as I knew it.

Now on this day 10 years later on the 'eve' of my 60th birthday and entering my 7th decade... Ouch!  sucking in my breath, that made my eyes water ... the difference is I'm ready for change, ready for the unexpected, because if the last 10 years didn't break me... then just bring it on!

just dropped by...

...to visit Mum's blog and to say Hi to a few friends...

I hope you know, you are all never very far from my thoughts.
Many of whom I happily see daily on facebook, instagram etc...
Many, like myself, put their energies in to their day to day,
others have disappeared into the ether, and leave me wondering how they are,
without any way to get in touch..
I just hope all is well with them and theirs.

love Saz x

What a difference....

a year makes!

It has taken me the better part of the last month, to access my blogs (and Moannie's) as I feared it had alas been removed from the ether. Playing around with passwords and email addresses...I'm in again.

My last post , just 10 months ago...burst my seams, as again I realised how so much has changed!

I'm still,  in my new wee home, with Joey (dog) and Monty (cat).

My lovely son has returned from uni in the USA, attained a First Class degree and started work in London last Autumn as a writer...the world his oyster for the taking! My hero!

My beautiful daughter is in Leeds, amid her Midwifery degree, working at a Brazilian first class restaurant, all loved up with the Spanish Chef.... a meeting is on the cards AND he is taking her to meet his Mama is Spain this summer, so must be serious methinks! So proud!

My hugely supportive brother (TOAOS) is living contently in the Garden of England with his wife and Harry the cutest dog!!

My younger and what a stunner sister, and this is BIG NEWS, after many years, gave birth to her first child in February, a beautiful girl, who makes us all smile and HOPE!  How Moannie and JP would have been so proud!!

I am no longer involved with the Church enterprise I spoke of in my last post, luckily these days I know my limits., on many levels!

I am temporarily employed for now...
                                         awaiting any new opportunities and life to bite me!

Now I'm off to say hello to some old friends in blogland...

Saz x

summer has arrived...

                                 ...and left us after two glorious days!

I've returned to blog-land as I miss the interaction, although I've probably been removed from many a sidebar as it's been quite a while.

It's been a year or more of ups and downs and adjusting, however I shan't bore you with all my travails right away, less is more!
                           
                                     so in brief....I've moved home (yes again) and we've moved biz premises and expanded the biz, I'm sure there has been more but that will suffice for now..

meanwhile here are some pics which hopefully tell their own stories.....

dog walking amongst the buttercups

old school room and old cotton mill chimney (once the tallest in Europe, now shorter)

my Pal Joey

new venture in basement of old church...vintage in main church hall

 

up cycling furniture in new home

new biz premises

bbc news coverage video to follow

our new jazz cafe bar

new hair??!!

Saz xx

catch up...

It has been four months or more since I last posted and in that time I have, in the in-between moments, been reflecting and healing. Life happens, shit happens, yet mostly as they say,  time heals. 

I began this blog because I needed to have an outlet, as I felt instinctively I needed to have somewhere to be, just be, a place that was safe and mine ...I had little idea how important this place would become in a few months, a lifeline, a support line and a friendship line. i thought it was my approaching 50th birthday that would be rough to deal with...ahahahaha...if that had been the all of it!!!

Like Suburbia, since our very first posts, we have found our lives and circumstances change immeasurably, and yet blog land remains. true.

It changes, people come and go, but it is in essence.. it is sitting in limbo, waiting for us. 

In May my son returned from Uni in America, after almost a year and he has since inter-railed through Europe with a group of close friends, returning home for a few weeks work...and is now in Holland visiting friends he met at Uni,. It's his 20th birthday today and the whole world is truly his oyster! 

My daughter who has also been away from me, has completed three years uni in Leeds, with a First and now has a further 3 years midwifery to complete. Now 23 yrs old, she has matured into a hard working, responsible young woman. 

I could not be more proud of them both!

My business is growing day by day, it is exciting and rewarding. We are finalists in City & County Retail Awards nominated by customers.

Joey (my boy dog) has been with me for 6 months now and is flourishing, despite the english weather probably being a huge shock for his Cypriot beginnings. Monty (boy cat) outs up with him and they play and roll around the floor in greeting several times a day, Monty slinks off out for another forage and Joey licks his wounds (minor love scratches I promise) !

Joey (jackrussell+mini cyprus poodle)

I am now a proud plotter!! I have had an allotment since late May and have whipped it into shape, with a lot of help from my friends Faye, Andy and Matt and have spent hours upon hours, digging, seeding, composting, planting, raking, hoeing, trimming, tipping, turfing and painting...oh and sometimes I get to relax too!! Its a joy!!

After two months work... my little piece of sky

I have a few plans ongoing, which may or may not come to fruition, but at this moment I am not able to talk about them as they are unofficial and don't want to jinx them (or give the game away and spoil the PR surprise).

It's been a busy few months.... 

               and then...

a few months ago, something unexpected happened....

I met a lovely man, 

a gentle man,

a kind man.... we seem to laugh all the time .......and he makes me feel like a queen!

We're taking it a day at a time...and ...well who knows!

happy days!

Saz x

J.P.

I thought it would be a fitting to share an old post  or two

of Mum's/Moannie's
from her blog

in tribute to her husband JP / my father

who passed away last month

He died suddenly at home,

they are together again.

Jean-Pierre
1936-2014
Son, Husband, friend,  father & grandfather

 links below

JP alias le bodger and Moannie 1991

It pays to be a littleGaga

my wee man

Joey is a Jack Russell, miniature Poodle cross, currently being kindly fostered in Cyprus. He is 4.5 months old and after having a home placement which fell through, I have offered him a forever home in the UK.

He is scheduled to arrive on Sunday 9th February.

I believe saving dogs and cats from Cyprus is a worthy cause, as there is little, if any potential for a happy, secure, healthy and cared for life. They are not born into a sympathetic pet culture and many do not find homes and are euthanized. So it is an expensive project, including vet bills, paperwork and flights to bring these lovely creatures to safety in Uk and other EU countries.

I have money for the vets bill and towards the flight and I have four weeks to raise the rest of the air fare.

Any help towards these costs will be most gratefully received, any surplus will be sent towards the costs of finding forever families for other pets currently being fostered or in one of several pounds.

Thank you so much!

please donate for Joey

Saz x

moments...

..and here we are firmly into a new year and I am sitting up wide awake in bed, yet again... I am reflecting upon what was in 2013 and what wasn't.

The 'what wasn'ts ' are left where they are, filed and duly noted, I shall unremember them.

However for the 'what was' ' and that which I choose to bring with me into 2014, are the things that are memorable, enriching, happy and surprising, be them the tiniest fragment of joy or the biggest new thing on the block!

I didn't get off to a great start in January as we had only recently lost Mumma a few months before, the countdown to my son's second year of uni starting mud summer in the States and i was in the middle of a roller-coaster of negotiations trying to secure a business lease and plan for a potential opening. I wasn't at my best and i was running low on fuel.

However as always when faced with a challenge I was defiant and rose to several occasions, decisions with all the positivity I could muster and determined to secure a purpose for myself and create something new for the city and opportunities for like-minded creatives and enthusiasts.

For most of the year I have been up to my painted eyebrows in lists, plans, accounts, coffee by the bucket load. The summer came and went, a few calm hours spent swinging in my hammock with Monty lounging in the shade underneath!
My son bravely ventured to up-state new York, defiantly resisting a few weeks at home for the seasonal holidays, where he remains, working hard, playing too, retaining A grades all round and Skype-ing his mum on demand! Bless the boy.

My friends, as always, have supported me at every step, picked me up when I stumbled and kicked me up the bum when I doubted ...I thank you all. I only hope I give back adequately when you need me.

My siblings,with whom we initially reunited in hardened purpose and now have found ourselves in friendship, is a surprising joy and gift.

I am excited to be adding to my wee family as I am hoping to rescue a small pup and he should arrive in a few weeks  time...it will be like having a toddler in the house again. watch this space, it really all rests on whether the cat approves!!

The future is brighter, actually NO!! the NOW is brighter..I want to be present in the now, 'cos it's taken me a long time to realise, I mean really realise, that is all we have.
The past is gone, over, just a memory somewhere inside...but being present and tangibly making myself FEEL everything, every word, thought, feeling, touch...is all there is, and all there ever will be...no more what if's, no more well this might or might not happen...
It is Now writing this post, that matters and is the only real thing, this moment...

and so here is 2014, unfolding...live in each moment... now that IS exciting!

Saz x

Saz x

awards dinner

Lynn my plus 1..fellow trader and best friend  on 'red' carpet

cinders in going to the ball...

so l should be feeling er excited, proud...nah more concerned about the flab plopping out at some special moment...

Warwick Tower, my biz, was nominated for retailer of the year by a networking group back in June, the public voted for three months and then we were short-listed to the final three....( we've only been open 7 months) and tomorrow is the awards dinner at a central hotel ballroom AND a bloody red carpet an all.. and all  this is in Carlisle..

so I went and bought my first long gown, thanks tkmaxx, am sure mum was with me, she loved tkmaxximama, we used to call it...and it was the first one l looked at... a long black lace column dress, very simple, and I have shoes, vintage bag, several earrings to choose from...and if I had a bath I would soak long and bubbly, but a shower will have to suffice..

My biz partner is taking his girl and as l haven't a plus one I am taking a girl too!

so after a few glasses of Jack and a shit load of slap/make up, I am sure we will be presentable at least...now the nerves are kicking in ... and er....what if we actually won, aw lordy then I'd have to get up and make a speech...

best buy another bottle of Jack...!!


Saz x
update you all later...

as sleep eludes me

I find myself meandering through blogland and rifling through others' pages and places ,

I know I should avoid some, they only serve to remind where I cannot go... 

I have been overwhelmed with my new business in a good way and I wrap myself up in it by day and evening, my passion and now my bread and butter is one. A dream come true....you would think that would satisfy but it does not entirely. There is still this void.

Once full of family life, my children, my mum and a tie that binds, I now wander through my busy days, hands busy, mind full of tasks outstanding, plotting and planning, endless list making, all a joy,

but my heart is heavy and I cannot fill this gaping empty hole... I miss so much, and so many.

Still, I keep busy....

It has been a year already and so Moannie's/Mum's first anniversary two weeks ago was spent with my brother and sister, who made the road trip up to Carlisle. The first time anyone has been to visit me from down home, since I moved here as a weary wife and a besotted mum,  almost 18 years ago....

we knew it was a gift Mum would have wanted more than anything else, to see her three kids reunited after years of estrangement....her illness brought us together with a purpose, but her death has brought us together in friendship and for that I am thankful.

I took them on a whistle stop tour from Gretna Green, to Castlerigg Stone circle (one of my favourite places) to Keswick, Derwentwater, Grasmere, Windermere, Bowness, a three ' man ' boat trip, onto Kendal, Shap and Penrith and returning to Carlisle and food...they also visited my business Warwick Tower .

We remembered and talked about Mum a lot of the time and had some silent time in the Cathedral...which was interrupted, oddly, by an in house Jazz band...oh God how she would have laughed and loved that...as did we.

heres a few pics of our time...

siblings messing about

london girl in cashmere layers and high heels, optimistic brother forgot his coat

should have put them on the stage mrs worthington

me, big sis...attempting to hide my fear of water not being knee deep

one of the most perfect and peaceful places in the Lake District

Derwentwater

just like our Mum, sis can always strike a  glam pose

I can't help but notice a slight family resemblance

Saz x

under the same sky..

Where has the time gone, asks Lime

 indeed...

My son Patrick turned 19 in the summer, just one day before he leapt across the Atlantic to up state New York for his 2nd year of uni...I miss him. even though he has already been away from me for a year, we have been in touch, email/skype/viber more than last year.

But he is truly away from me, on another vast expanse of earth, separated. This time is different. I expressed this, though less emotionally t'other evening..and his response was, 'yeah, but mum we are under the same sky..!'
such calming, soft words, soothed.

He has been my companion, my world these last few years; his first year of uni, were my first days truly single, starting over. Loss of purpose is very hard to deal with, and each of the last three years has brought about layer upon layer of loss and partings.

He is my last born, my baby...my man child...my hero
How would life be, if he had chosen to remain with his father and sister, after the break-up.
Just by his being, he saved me; he allowed me to become a better mum; a better me.

love, labours, lost...
and found....the stages of mother/child.

god I love the very bones of the child...

keep him safe for me 'till June...

saz xx

friday the 13th...!!!

so I thought today was gonna be a lucky day..(.in denial that it could be anything less than brilliant...friday 13th ) 

 it's my holiday week, first since we opened, I didn't got to west coast of Scotland to the caravan as planned, as my pals couldn't come and didn't fancy it alone all week.... and so yep I got bored, after rearranging the house, painting furniture and cooking up a storm for one, me!

I can't ride my new bike, 'cos tyre burst straight away, brakes flucked, cantilever something or other blah blah...and well the weather is shite, and frankly I don't know how to fix it. Crap on tv.. . have run out of gin, wine and choc...

I so I am back to work early...and it's very quiet here in tower... so what now, l'll get wet feet in my flip flops on the way home, hot shower, hot food and a hot gusto praps...

ahh and only 14 weeks till Christmas, that's cheery....
.tongue stuck firmly in cheek

heyho!

Saz x
 

this was my truth

love is selfish
love is bickering
love is settling
love is destructive
love is struggling
love is being afraid
love is claustrophobic
love is one sided
love is being lonely
love is manipulation
love is, as and when
love is anger
love is antagonistic
love is feeling lost
love is betrayal,
love is for the kids' sake,
love is demeaning
love is self serving
and unkind
love is losing yourself

this
          is now my truth

love is comfortable
love is feeling alive
love is sharing
and caring
love is friendship
love is liking him/her
love is in the easy silence
and in the laughter,
and sharing the detail
love is the fun and the silliness,
love is everything I thought it could not possibly be,
love is within our grasp
love is in the unexpected
love is sometimes letting go,
because you must,
love is forever

saz x

Happy Birthday Mum/Moannie

our Mum

Happy Birthday

Saz, Jin and Mone

xxx