Monday, 11 March 2013

looking in the mirror...


I am in reflective mood and in a bit of a rut,
whilst trying to make things work,
I'm swinging from low to high,
back and forth...
I find writing down my mish-mash of thoughts always helps
and so I'm thinking about how in the last three years,
my long marriage broke up, 
I moved house with my son,
in the process my daughter withdrew from me.
I got divorced.
A lovely man found me and then I lost him.
My son left home for university and
my mum fought a year long cancer battle,
then died.
I moved house, again.
Now I am at a crossroads, 
no responsibilities other than myself, 
with no real social or personal life, 
I am focusing on the things I CAN change,
new business waiting in the wings, 
or rather the red tape to be cut through, 
then day by day, I begin..

written out like this and read over and over,
it reads like a pity party (well it is, I am)
but I always get up in the morning and begin again,
day after day... 

I want more... so quitting isn't an option
but jeez is it tough...
two steps forward, one step back, 
it's all progress

saz x

26 comments:

  1. It's a process, S. Those crappy times always get better. Yours will also. Hugs to you.

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  3. Don't know what happened, but my comment went in twice, so I deleted one and both were gone! *sigh* Anyhooo...this too shall pass. I know because I've been there (in different ways) and it takes time, but you will bounce back. Sending hugs XXX

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    Replies
    1. thanks Leslie, I know this to be true.. just need a little joy in my life...xx

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    2. You've had a really rotten run of luck. I have been there myself many times. Something better is waiting round the corner. Sometimes you have to go out and meet it.
      Just give it more time and live for the day.
      Maggie x

      Nuts in May

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  4. a gift of mantra for you

    may you be filled with loving kindness
    may you be well
    may you be peaceful and at ease
    may you be happy

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    Replies
    1. wonderful mantra..thank you!! shall keep it close...xx

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  5. Do you remember the song with the line 'It's my party - I'll cry if I want to'? I always thought that was fair enough. And it applies to blogs too. But, in my view, there is a big difference between someone who states what has happened to them - and how they are feeling - because they feel like putting it down on paper (well, you know what I mean) and someone who writes a whine for sympathy. I have never once thought of yours as a whine. So you carry on saying how you feel - It's your blog, my dear. And, no matter what, remember there are folk who treasure you and that your new venture will one day start giving instead of just taking. It is the nature of new ventures to be all take, take, take at the beginning - they're just like children really.
    Love
    John

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    Replies
    1. Like Leslie's mine seems to have gone in twice so I'm just leaving it...

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    2. I don't think you're whiny at all, Saz. As Scriptor says, there's a big difference between telling us stuff, and skewing it for sympathy, and like Scriptor, I never felt anything but the utmost sincerity in your posts.

      You have definitely gone though a bad patch. But think of all the things you've accomplished -- and you're still here. You're obviously a very brave woman, and I wish you well. I think -- no, I KNOW -- you can do this. But don't be afraid to give yourself a bit of time to process and assimilate all this. So be good to yourself. Eat nourishing meals, read uplifting (and hopefully) funny books, see the friends you like best, keep writing, writing, writing.

      Like you, I find I can process things better if I write about them. And keep us posted -- no pun intended! Love, Carol

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    3. thank you for this...reaffirming that I'm not a whinger...though I do feel it's a constant, whine, poor me...but as you and scriptor say..it;s my blog and my life...so tough...it feels better for getting it out there' and if I really wanted to whinge and whine I would put it on my facebook page, where family, friends and colleagues, could read me as is...praps I feel safer here, surrounded by friends who have been through the mill with me and me them...
      and who know Mum/Moannie and that in itself helps so much..

      love you's !! lol x x

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  6. You and I seem to be going through parallel existences. I know exactly how you ust be feeling. All I can suggest is to take one day at a time. Pretend you are a little cork bobbing about in the sea. You will get hammered this and that way by the waves, but just keep bobbing about, going where the waves push you. You won't go under - because you are a cork, you'll float! x

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    1. what a lovely analogy Addy!! thank you for this, I do like visualizing techniques and often use them, but haven't so much recently, just having let the tidal waves come at me...
      yes I am CORKY!! xx

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  7. Saz, you have had more than your fare share of tribulations. Life can be an absolute sod and the problem is that it seems to throw a lot of problems at you all at once. Fortunately there are also times when life can start to be a little kinder and I do hope and pray that you receive a much better set of cards very soon which will provide happiness and all, or most of what is written in your heart. Much love Saz and take care ~ Eddie x

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  8. I suppose it should go without saying, but beer really helps.

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    1. lol...gin really really helps!! x

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  9. Be tough, be tough - you have already proved that you are, in spades and with bells on. What I think you should be REALLY proud of is that being tough hasn't made you bitter. You still have that reflective, thoughtful quality, and you don't hate anyone. Really, it can only get better, you have everything you need to go on upwards ....

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    1. I AM a toughie (well on the outside lol), resilient...but to which level?? Just keeping at it..xx

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  10. In all of that the divorce and losing your Mum stand out. You cannot expect to go through things like that with all the knock-ons around that, some dramatic as well like the obvious unavoidable change in relationship with the kids etc.

    That is a hell of a lot. Don't be hard on yourself you are trying that is a major plus point.

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Thanks for stopping by!

Take the weight of your feet, draw up a chair and pour yourself a cuppa. Leave your troubles at the door and together we shall ride out the storms.
I will walk a while in your shoes...

Saz x