Tuesday, 11 December 2012

casting off...


it will be three years in February
since my known world shattered,
leaving sharp fragments upon the floor
I didn't know how to start over,
I left and rebuilt a life for my son and I.
I fought myself and my thoughts and my mind
daily,
moment by moment,
step by hesitant step, I fought my way back,
in a place to hide, behind walls,
the unknown more frightening
than the existence I left behind.
Fear walked beside me, shadowing my every move,
until I found space and myself.

Sara... a woman I had lost, hidden behind, wife and mother,
focus and purpose in the blanket of the daily routine.

And now I have learned how it is to love and give love without fear,
coercion, imagined or real, I had lost the ability to know the difference.

Now I have learned what it is to be loved, cherished,
if only for a time,
I knew it, I believed it, I loved and always will.

Meanwhile, I am comforted by it,
so sad at losing it, losing him,
Was it real, did it happen, was it a lie?
I felt it and I believed it, I was in wonder,
that's enough for me,
even if I wasn't enough for him.

My son is settled, studying hard, playing harder, planning to spend the next academic year in America,
largely my job is done, no longer needed in the only way I know.
Now I can only watch from the sidelines as he lives and learns, his way.

Now preparing for yet another move,
as I clean, sweep and paint my soon to be new home,
a new view, a new focus a new adventure.

I know this time, it is on my own terms, my decision, my choice,
I may be alone, but now,
I hope, I believe in better and I believe in me

I will never give myself up again,
                                and I will never give up...

Sara