Sunday, 25 November 2012

the winds of change

everything changes is that which we know to be a universal truth.
And change is the nature of my life in recent years; the last three to be exact. Many of you know of my 'life changing' events which have occurred over the last three years, for those of you, dear reader, curious enough, help yourself and browse through the archive
yet still I rise...

I expected some difficult decisions in the new year, but as is the way of things it seems I have little control and opportunities present themselves and well I have little to do but say yes or no.

And so I am beginning to sort through the detritus of this apartment and being really tough with myself; as I am moving home in mid January. I knew this could realistically happen, as the flat is pretty big, even for two, but for just me, well it's too big. Too big, to stay here alone, with short visits at the end of term. I rattle around, baking, cooking, procrastinating, remembering when the two of us, my son and I, comfortably got on with our new lives since the family split.

And I find I often look around and see 'him' here and there, and I cannot shake it, so as 'he' won't be back anytime never, I have to move on and moving on means moving out. A small little fact is that I can't afford it anymore, rather than scrimp and scrape I want to have a life and be able to afford to enjoy it, if only a little bit more.
I had hoped, day dreams really, that perhaps, just maybe, I would somehow stay and share the home, but that was not to be. My stupid. You only hear what you want to hear, I find.

Downsizing, yep that about covers it. The new place still has two good size bedrooms, a smaller living room, tiny kitchen and bathroom, AND a yard and some earth to plant flowers and roses and lavender. An outside space is crucial to my sanity. I may be losing the magic garden, but this will be mine own. My own front door, behind which I will begin again and have new memories to look upon.

'never give up' my new mantra, inked on my wrist, lest I forget.

Saz x