Tuesday, 11 December 2012

casting off...


it will be three years in February
since my known world shattered,
leaving sharp fragments upon the floor
I didn't know how to start over,
I left and rebuilt a life for my son and I.
I fought myself and my thoughts and my mind
daily,
moment by moment,
step by hesitant step, I fought my way back,
in a place to hide, behind walls,
the unknown more frightening
than the existence I left behind.
Fear walked beside me, shadowing my every move,
until I found space and myself.

Sara... a woman I had lost, hidden behind, wife and mother,
focus and purpose in the blanket of the daily routine.

And now I have learned how it is to love and give love without fear,
coercion, imagined or real, I had lost the ability to know the difference.

Now I have learned what it is to be loved, cherished,
if only for a time,
I knew it, I believed it, I loved and always will.

Meanwhile, I am comforted by it,
so sad at losing it, losing him,
Was it real, did it happen, was it a lie?
I felt it and I believed it, I was in wonder,
that's enough for me,
even if I wasn't enough for him.

My son is settled, studying hard, playing harder, planning to spend the next academic year in America,
largely my job is done, no longer needed in the only way I know.
Now I can only watch from the sidelines as he lives and learns, his way.

Now preparing for yet another move,
as I clean, sweep and paint my soon to be new home,
a new view, a new focus a new adventure.

I know this time, it is on my own terms, my decision, my choice,
I may be alone, but now,
I hope, I believe in better and I believe in me

I will never give myself up again,
                                and I will never give up...

Sara

20 comments:

  1. Well said. In every sense of the word. x

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  2. You're a strong woman, Sara. Hugs to you.

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  3. never give up~ blessings to you in your new home

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  4. Change is hard. I know. My first husband killed himself leaving me with 2 daughters aged 12 and not quite 16. Now they're 32 and 36. I survived and now have a new love of my life. Although none of us knows what the future holds, we must live day to day and sometimes moment to moment. I can tell you are a survivor, too! Someday I hope we will meet in person. Best wishes to you in your new home - may it be a real new beginning for you.

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    1. bless you leslie, for understanding and for being here x x

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  5. Going forward, with shoulders back and head up, stepping into a new place....well done....and health and happiness in your new adventure.

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  6. Almost three years for me too but for different reasons. One day at a time is my mantra these days and it helps me to move forward, step by slow step. Here's wishing you lots of happiness and fun in your new home. You deserve it! ((((hugs))) xx

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  7. Great writing and feelings.

    I know you've had a lot of trials and tribulations along the way - best wishes to you in the new abode. I get the feeling you'll be just fine.

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  8. You are a stronger person than you were before and you remind me of my daughter, who says the same things. Really good writing.
    Maggie x

    Nuts in May

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  9. You remain in my prayers, of course. You are still at the old address, for now? I hope so - sent you a Christmas card. If it ends up being forwarded, it may be an Easter card :-)

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  10. such painful times and experiences. but it does seem they've taught you and made you stronger. but you have been through a lot. hugs.

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  11. Woohoo - good for you - I can so relate to that poem and has it been 3 years??? Good grief. I too am almost in that place where alone is the power we didn't give ourselves before - and now of course worried I will never be able to compromise in a relationship again! Good luck with the new you!!

    Can I post your poem on my blog please?

    Lx

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    1. of course you may Lu!! I am so happy that you can relate and understand and read between the lines..I too wonder if I can compromise in a relationship, and compromise myself perhaps?
      I am not sure that the period after the glow, is worth the love felt...as it is oh so hard...and l think beyond me ... too much to sweep up emotionally...
      perhaps it is enough to have known it the once...after so many years without it and am there again..stolen moments..is that all there is? Is it greedy to want that again...enough now Sara xx

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  12. Casting off -- what a great phrase.

    Brings to mind casting off the knitting so that you're ready to move on to a new and exciting project. Or casting off the boat so that you can sail into new and exciting uncharted waters. Bon chance!

    Hope you have a Happy Christmas! And all the best to you in the New Year. Please keep us blog-readers posted on all your new adventures. xoxo Carol

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  13. Gosh - it doesn't seem three years since I started 'following' you and feeling for you. I'm sorry about this latest venture but hopefully it was better to have had it than to not have done so. And there will probably be a next time - you will not always be alone; unless you want to be. 'Good folks are scarce' and sought after! But I know that if there is a next time, it will be on your terms and that what you give up of yourself will be only what you want to.

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  14. So beautifully put, Sara - Never give up on you - You are greater than your circumstances may feel - You are loved and loveable and loving... May your new home be a haven of love and light and art for you (when you're not working your socks off!)


    Much love,

    Me xxx

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  15. Ditto

    And Merry Christmas my friend :)

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  17. May the New Year bring you all you wish for,
    hugs,
    Merisi


    P.S.: Love, love, love your new profile photo! xxx

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Take the weight of your feet, draw up a chair and pour yourself a cuppa. Leave your troubles at the door and together we shall ride out the storms.
I will walk a while in your shoes...

Saz x