Sunday, 25 November 2012

the winds of change

everything changes is that which we know to be a universal truth.
And change is the nature of my life in recent years; the last three to be exact. Many of you know of my 'life changing' events which have occurred over the last three years, for those of you, dear reader, curious enough, help yourself and browse through the archive
and
yet still I rise...

I expected some difficult decisions in the new year, but as is the way of things it seems I have little control and opportunities present themselves and well I have little to do but say yes or no.

And so I am beginning to sort through the detritus of this apartment and being really tough with myself; as I am moving home in mid January. I knew this could realistically happen, as the flat is pretty big, even for two, but for just me, well it's too big. Too big, to stay here alone, with short visits at the end of term. I rattle around, baking, cooking, procrastinating, remembering when the two of us, my son and I, comfortably got on with our new lives since the family split.

And I find I often look around and see 'him' here and there, and I cannot shake it, so as 'he' won't be back anytime never, I have to move on and moving on means moving out. A small little fact is that I can't afford it anymore, rather than scrimp and scrape I want to have a life and be able to afford to enjoy it, if only a little bit more.
I had hoped, day dreams really, that perhaps, just maybe, I would somehow stay and share the home, but that was not to be. My stupid. You only hear what you want to hear, I find.

Downsizing, yep that about covers it. The new place still has two good size bedrooms, a smaller living room, tiny kitchen and bathroom, AND a yard and some earth to plant flowers and roses and lavender. An outside space is crucial to my sanity. I may be losing the magic garden, but this will be mine own. My own front door, behind which I will begin again and have new memories to look upon.

'never give up' my new mantra, inked on my wrist, lest I forget.

Saz x

13 comments:

  1. you have been through an awful lot and i do hope this change brings with it a new peace, new sense of settling in, healing, peace....only good things.

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  2. What strength you have....and yes, never giving up...putting one foot in front of the other and keeping on is the way of things. I wish you a change that heals and helps and brings happiness.

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  3. I think Lime has already said it all.
    Sorry it all had to be so hard for you - change seems to be like that.

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  4. Your own soil. Plant your bare feet in it (not in January!), and breathe, Sara,

    If you say that you have difficult memories in this home, then you will make, do and mend new memories in the next.

    You are brave, strong, beautiful. You rise. You are a star, finding yourself. And us.

    You inspire. Never forget it. And your brave inking will also serve.

    Love you, want to see you soon. Have started a new job on tiny wage, as well as counselling. Life is indeed tough, ma chere. Have your faith, as I have, that you will grow and prosper...

    Mwah!

    Fhi xxx

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  5. A little bit of earth to put flowers in will be a wonderfully therapeutic thing.
    You have been very brave to go through all the things you have faced over the last few years.
    I wish you every success in your new beginning..... and who knows where it will end and what it might bring. Good things happen too!
    Maggie X

    Nuts in May

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  6. Yes. Echoing everyone else's sentiments. Good luck Saz.

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  7. That's right, hon
    Full speed ahead~damn the torpedoes!
    Hey! At this stage of the game, what have we got to lose?
    Our youth?~gone
    Pride?~yeah, right
    Dignity?~a fancy word for bullshit
    Time to put all sails out and let that bastard blow where she will
    xx

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  8. you got my attention with the title, which got me thinking about my own reactions to change in general...many thanks to you for bravely sharing yours~

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  9. I wish you a happy new year and happy new beginnings. You never know, it might be the start of a whole new novel, let alone new chapter, of your life. x

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  10. If you ever DO give up, I'll come over there and kick your ass.

    Trust in things getting better. They always do, eventually.

    If you ever feel like praying, I have a friend named Jesus who likes to listen. Let me know and I'll put in a good word for you :-)

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  11. I do believe Lime said it for me. New beginnings .. new dreams.. new joys. I wish that for you. Hugs to you.

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  12. You have had such a tough time. Good luck, and I do hope that some good thing/person will drop into your life just when you are least expecting it. You deserve a break.

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Thanks for stopping by!

Take the weight of your feet, draw up a chair and pour yourself a cuppa. Leave your troubles at the door and together we shall ride out the storms.
I will walk a while in your shoes...

Saz x