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casting off...

it will be three years in February
since my known world shattered,
leaving sharp fragments upon the floor
I didn't know how to start over,
I left and rebuilt a life for my son and I.
I fought myself and my thoughts and my mind
daily,
moment by moment,
step by hesitant step, I fought my way back,
in a place to hide, behind walls,
the unknown more frightening
than the existence I left behind.
Fear walked beside me, shadowing my every move,
until I found space and myself.

Sara... a woman I had lost, hidden behind, wife and mother,
focus and purpose in the blanket of the daily routine.

And now I have learned how it is to love and give love without fear,
coercion, imagined or real, I had lost the ability to know the difference.

Now I have learned what it is to be loved, cherished,
if only for a time,
I knew it, I believed it, I loved and always will.

Meanwhile, I am comforted by it,
so sad at losing it, losing him,
Was it real, did it happen, was it a lie?
I felt it and I believed it,…

the winds of change

everything changes is that which we know to be a universal truth.
And change is the nature of my life in recent years; the last three to be exact. Many of you know of my 'life changing' events which have occurred over the last three years, for those of you, dear reader, curious enough, help yourself and browse through the archive
and
yet still I rise...

I expected some difficult decisions in the new year, but as is the way of things it seems I have little control and opportunities present themselves and well I have little to do but say yes or no.

And so I am beginning to sort through the detritus of this apartment and being really tough with myself; as I am moving home in mid January. I knew this could realistically happen, as the flat is pretty big, even for two, but for just me, well it's too big. Too big, to stay here alone, with short visits at the end of term. I rattle around, baking, cooking, procrastinating, remembering when the two of us, my son and I, comfortably …

endings...

they say everything comes to an end, and we all know this to be true.
In nature and life we go through cycles ad infinitum,
the thing of it is we know this, but the living of it sometimes is more than difficult.
each cycle, like the seasons, renew and end and mostly we hardly notice as the joins are seemingly inviisible. It's only with retrospect and perspective can we look back and see where those turns and bends in our roads actually took place.

The mistakes made
bad choices
wrong decisions.
often times we don't bother with regret
just the knowing is enough.
We roll our proverbial sleeves up and plod on, and on...

In the last twelve months, the bends, sharp corners and blind summits have been obvious. Every step of the way has been painful. Most of the year has been utterly out of my control and I have just had to follow through, masking the pain, sadness and the fear. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Not something I wanted to think about. Inevitable yes, at some t…

Our Beautiful Mum...

I have given a lot of thinking time to this post, but as I don't seem to be able to arrange the words in the right order, I'm just typing and letting it flow..

Many of you will have read today's sad post on Mum/Moannie's Blog, for those who have not I am sorry to have to tell you that Mum passed away on Monday evening.

She is at peace and no longer suffering and for that my family and I are grateful. The loss is overwhelming.

Mums blog will remain online indefinitely and if anyone comments or asks a question we will be monitoring it and try our best to respond.

The View from this End is a fitting tribute to Mum's spirit, humour, courage and character and for that reason alone we shall keep it 'live'. Of course for the family it is also a special place where we very much feel she is there.

Thank you also for all the tributes, cards and gifts, we cannot thank you enough.

Much love Mum,
always,
              Saz x


I have been asked about flowers for Mum and of …

weekend wedding

I've been wanting to post something light and have been so discombobulated I haven;t been able to dream anything up; until I emptied the contents of my  mobile phone and checked out all the photos l've taken..467!!!
last month I was so privileged to be part of one of my best friends wedding...now I am not a fan of weddings. Not because of my own history, but I just don;t like the frufru dresses, the hypocrisy of marrying in a church the couple never attend blah blah blah.
however this one was different. a true love story for one of my best friends, yes I am lucky as I have a handful of great girl friends, most of whom I have befriended since we moved 'oop north'. All married except for Charlotte (oh and of course me nowadays!)
Charlotte met Scott just under two years ago, in her freinds kitchen, how the two hadn't crossed paths there  before is beyond us all. Neither have been married before, both hovering on either side of 40 and so crazy about each other, it'…

It's been a while...

... and l'm afraid I haven't had the heart or mind to blog or write anything. It's been a pretty turbulent year on many levels; the hardest has been  my Mum/Moannie's terminal cancer diagnosis, her care and treatments, lots of juggling amongst family and friends. Mum is home for the moment from the hospice and settled quietly in at home. Dad is being pretty awesome being her main carer for the last year, despite his own health issues, although now he is supported by a team of hospice nursing staff and carers.

During the summer my son gained two A* grades, one A grade and two B grades in his exams and so he is now busy preparing for his big adventure!
With mixed emotions we will be packing up the car and driving the contents of his two rooms (or so it seems) to Lancaster University! Then I will make a quick exit and return to our roomy flat and for the first time in a lifetime it will be just me, (oh and kitty) and I will reflect on the losses of this year and ruminate o…

I have a new man in my life...

yes I do... and he has moved in!!
He does have expectations, he doesn't pay rent,  I provide food and drink, and he demands my sole attention. He likes me to stroke him and play with him and his boys toys... sometimes he likes to chase me up and down the stairs...he keeps anti social hours and doesn't come to bed until 4 or 5am...when he does he gets up close and personal and his facial hair tickles a lot..
He loves to cuddle and snuggle and loves a morning lay in...I think he loves me cos he purrs a lot, and is a sucker for a good rub on his tummy, in fact he just rolls over and takes it all...what more could a girl want?


A real man? nah I'm all done with that. 
Meet Monty... 9 weeks old. I took him in last week and his owners now can't look after him. So what would you do take him to a refuge? Give him away to a good home? Or keep him? Yeah yeah, l know, but I couldn't resist...















Saz xx

in stone or in sand?

… and in one day life changed when you touched my caged heart and breathed for me. So I took a chance, together we opened  the door,
Overwhelmed by your gentleness, your affection, the butter soft skin and that Smile… we soared higher  ‘etched in stone or scratched in the sand’ entwined, hopeful…
When you left, the air became stale, tinged with a torrent of hurt I, respectful of your choices and  needs, lay still, lungs  bursting, my loins weep and long for you an ache that burns through my day and my skin stings where your fingers once aroused and soothed, your lips, enflamed, your words filled me with laughter and  fulfilled me with love and hope.
And now, our love ,  suspended
l miss your blue, blue eyes, I still see their sadness, I want to drain them of your doubts and guilt, and fill them with belief
whilst I am left sitting on the sharp edge of pain… but yet, still,  I believe

Mama

A while back I felt compelled to draw a picture of Mum/Moannie.

I have only ever painted one other portrait, in the '80's of my namesake Sara who was about three at the time...now a married lady.

So I gave it a go...and after several days of looking at the drawing I gathered the courage to add some watercolour..

I was scared that I would overdo the paint and lose the impression I wanted...which was to capture the essence of Mum...which I believe I have in her eyes and lovely mouth..

I did however overwork it...and completely lost the fluidity and looseness I liked before I spoiled it.
Luckily l took a digital image of it at it's best and I had this enlarged and printed.

l presented Mum and Dad with it and they were delighted.






here comes the sun

..and the sun burned through the cloud
breaking the sheet of winter,
permeating through the detritus
left from the early spring chills,
warmth spread through me
like a shockwave of hope,
a lifeline tethered by friendships
and anchored by a steely determination
to believe again,
laughing lessons in life,

and too I live, I laugh, I love...

saz x

a flying visit

I  arrived on Tuesday for a short drive by visit, keen to see Mum/Moannie and Dad/Jp face to face.
I haven't been down to visit this year and with all the drama's both here and in Kent, I knew only a visit would would comfort us all on many levels.


Mum is coping well with the treatments, drugs and ensuing symptoms and side effects. Compounded by changes in her mood and  limitations affecting her energy levels, l was pleased to see they have both now settled into new routines and managing better than anyone expected. Dad's newly diagnosed illness appears to have not daunted him. Like me he is fairly fatalistic and he is not, we are assured in any short term danger.

I am proud in how far they have come since November and how their human spirit and long marriage has served to give them strength over these sudden changes to their quiet and reportedly uneventful lives.

They are both an inspiration.




Saz x

an enigmatic state!?

Happiness. Contentment. Joy. Pleasure. These are words we throw around, but I wonder if rarely do we really think about them and mean them? Understand them? Feel them. Is it a matter of subjectivity or perspective. In part I think yes, but I also believe in general terms the measure is the same yardstick of feeling. Of emotion.
Moannie and I were recently talking about the value of these words. Of how we of course aspire and hope. To feel them. The real deal.
We often innaely dribble out these words, about how happiness is all we want to feel. For ourselves. For our children. For mankind. Humanity. But it is such an elusive and transitory state . A state of mind that is transitory at best. Not available by request. It does not keep us alive. Though these states do nurture and nourish us. Keep us on track. A carrot to keep us on the road of hope.
I do not believe that happiness is a state of mind. I believe that happiness is a momentary state. More slippery than many its contemporaries. M…

sweet smell of success

l shouldn't have worried really,
on the back of a week of hell
no one could blame me for being a miss doubting thomas

but the proof was in the pudding
and lemon drizzle cakes

and cream scones

and buttered tea bread

























' Just the Biscuit'
all manner of kitchenelia

my own stall 'Bag Diva' ...bags of vintage style..

new venture

on the back of my former Vintage website I have recently  morphed and started to build an old interest and hobby into a fledgling business,  BAG DiVA selling my handbag collection at fairs in the County as there is nothing in our part of the county I taken the bull by the proverbials and  organised Fairs in Carlisle, bi-monthly over 2012 with Stuart, a local fellow Vintage enthusiast and dealer...
introducing Very Vintage Affairs
rather self explanatory... been 6 months in the planning and next Saturday is our toe in the water first affair will post pics of the event .. wish you all could come...
Saz x

A Fell and a Fall

A couple of weekends ago a friend from work asked me join him on a 'gentle' walk on the Fells. I've lived in Cumbria since 1996 and often wanted to go fell walking, but it never happened for one reason or another and l'm not the type to take myself off alone. After all l've always been told l'm clumsy, awkward, uncoordinated and have a hopeless sense of direction.

This gentle walk started on a  very steep incline, all rocky, and l felt l was scrambling  on all fours more than l was hill bloody walking. If l had been alone l surely would've turned back if it hadn't looked so impossible steep downhill. But my fellow walker was very enthusiastic and supportive, especially over a very icy and slippery stream, and yes l did end up on my arse! Butt then so did he!

As we took a break for water and nibbles for the 12h  time, boy was he right about my inadequate supplies of  sustenance. I took two bananas and a snickers bar with me. he pulled a face and sent me …