Tuesday, 11 December 2012

casting off...


it will be three years in February
since my known world shattered,
leaving sharp fragments upon the floor
I didn't know how to start over,
I left and rebuilt a life for my son and I.
I fought myself and my thoughts and my mind
daily,
moment by moment,
step by hesitant step, I fought my way back,
in a place to hide, behind walls,
the unknown more frightening
than the existence I left behind.
Fear walked beside me, shadowing my every move,
until I found space and myself.

Sara... a woman I had lost, hidden behind, wife and mother,
focus and purpose in the blanket of the daily routine.

And now I have learned how it is to love and give love without fear,
coercion, imagined or real, I had lost the ability to know the difference.

Now I have learned what it is to be loved, cherished,
if only for a time,
I knew it, I believed it, I loved and always will.

Meanwhile, I am comforted by it,
so sad at losing it, losing him,
Was it real, did it happen, was it a lie?
I felt it and I believed it, I was in wonder,
that's enough for me,
even if I wasn't enough for him.

My son is settled, studying hard, playing harder, planning to spend the next academic year in America,
largely my job is done, no longer needed in the only way I know.
Now I can only watch from the sidelines as he lives and learns, his way.

Now preparing for yet another move,
as I clean, sweep and paint my soon to be new home,
a new view, a new focus a new adventure.

I know this time, it is on my own terms, my decision, my choice,
I may be alone, but now,
I hope, I believe in better and I believe in me

I will never give myself up again,
                                and I will never give up...

Sara

Sunday, 25 November 2012

the winds of change

everything changes is that which we know to be a universal truth.
And change is the nature of my life in recent years; the last three to be exact. Many of you know of my 'life changing' events which have occurred over the last three years, for those of you, dear reader, curious enough, help yourself and browse through the archive
and
yet still I rise...

I expected some difficult decisions in the new year, but as is the way of things it seems I have little control and opportunities present themselves and well I have little to do but say yes or no.

And so I am beginning to sort through the detritus of this apartment and being really tough with myself; as I am moving home in mid January. I knew this could realistically happen, as the flat is pretty big, even for two, but for just me, well it's too big. Too big, to stay here alone, with short visits at the end of term. I rattle around, baking, cooking, procrastinating, remembering when the two of us, my son and I, comfortably got on with our new lives since the family split.

And I find I often look around and see 'him' here and there, and I cannot shake it, so as 'he' won't be back anytime never, I have to move on and moving on means moving out. A small little fact is that I can't afford it anymore, rather than scrimp and scrape I want to have a life and be able to afford to enjoy it, if only a little bit more.
I had hoped, day dreams really, that perhaps, just maybe, I would somehow stay and share the home, but that was not to be. My stupid. You only hear what you want to hear, I find.

Downsizing, yep that about covers it. The new place still has two good size bedrooms, a smaller living room, tiny kitchen and bathroom, AND a yard and some earth to plant flowers and roses and lavender. An outside space is crucial to my sanity. I may be losing the magic garden, but this will be mine own. My own front door, behind which I will begin again and have new memories to look upon.

'never give up' my new mantra, inked on my wrist, lest I forget.

Saz x

Saturday, 27 October 2012

endings...

they say everything comes to an end, and we all know this to be true.
In nature and life we go through cycles ad infinitum,
the thing of it is we know this, but the living of it sometimes is more than difficult.
each cycle, like the seasons, renew and end and mostly we hardly notice as the joins are seemingly inviisible. It's only with retrospect and perspective can we look back and see where those turns and bends in our roads actually took place.

The mistakes made
bad choices
wrong decisions.
often times we don't bother with regret
just the knowing is enough.
We roll our proverbial sleeves up and plod on, and on...

In the last twelve months, the bends, sharp corners and blind summits have been obvious. Every step of the way has been painful. Most of the year has been utterly out of my control and I have just had to follow through, masking the pain, sadness and the fear. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Not something I wanted to think about. Inevitable yes, at some time in the future, but I expected small breaks and hiccups. Not endings and partings one after another. I knew it was coming.. not perhaps best prepared, for the deep feeling of emptiness is overwhelming.

My mother, my daughter, my son, my lover.

I can only watch and wait,
                              hope and believe.


'If you love someone,
set them free,
if they come back,
they're yours,
if they don't they never were.'           Richard Bach

saz x

back soon with cheerier stuff..

Friday, 12 October 2012

Our Beautiful Mum...

I have given a lot of thinking time to this post, but as I don't seem to be able to arrange the words in the right order, I'm just typing and letting it flow..

Many of you will have read today's sad post on Mum/Moannie's Blog, for those who have not I am sorry to have to tell you that Mum passed away on Monday evening.

She is at peace and no longer suffering and for that my family and I are grateful. The loss is overwhelming.

Mums blog will remain online indefinitely and if anyone comments or asks a question we will be monitoring it and try our best to respond.

The View from this End is a fitting tribute to Mum's spirit, humour, courage and character and for that reason alone we shall keep it 'live'. Of course for the family it is also a special place where we very much feel she is there.

Thank you also for all the tributes, cards and gifts, we cannot thank you enough.

Much love Mum,
always,
              Saz x


I have been asked about flowers for Mum and of course she loved flowers and they are most welcome; however  she did mention that she wanted us to support Demelza Childrens' Hospices  in her name. It is an East Kent based charity which she supported and admired.

Monday, 24 September 2012

weekend wedding

I've been wanting to post something light and have been so discombobulated I haven;t been able to dream anything up; until I emptied the contents of my  mobile phone and checked out all the photos l've taken..467!!!

last month I was so privileged to be part of one of my best friends wedding...now I am not a fan of weddings. Not because of my own history, but I just don;t like the frufru dresses, the hypocrisy of marrying in a church the couple never attend blah blah blah.

however this one was different. a true love story for one of my best friends, yes I am lucky as I have a handful of great girl friends, most of whom I have befriended since we moved 'oop north'. All married except for Charlotte (oh and of course me nowadays!)

Charlotte met Scott just under two years ago, in her freinds kitchen, how the two hadn't crossed paths there  before is beyond us all. Neither have been married before, both hovering on either side of 40 and so crazy about each other, it's lovely to see and hear.

I was one of two er bridesmaids or supporters or best women and was so proud to be asked. Four months in the planning, to be honest everything was organised within the first month of the booking of the civil ceremony. I think I was more excited for them than they were. We all like a happy ending don't we!

So here are few pics to give you a taste of the day. Informality was the order of the day, keep it simple Charlotte said, and to wear whatever you want, I want everyone to be comfortable and to just be there, except my girls have to really posh it up!!

      
                                          
                                                                  saz, charlotte & jaci all dressed up and ready to go

                                              
                                                                  Mr & Mrs                       


Kim, Scott, Charlotte, Jaci, Saz and the boys
the tullie house workers

Charlotte and I

the wedding party


let them eat cake!

the first dance


spreading a little bit of happiness xx

Saturday, 15 September 2012

It's been a while...

... and l'm afraid I haven't had the heart or mind to blog or write anything.
It's been a pretty turbulent year on many levels; the hardest has been  my Mum/Moannie's terminal cancer diagnosis, her care and treatments, lots of juggling amongst family and friends. Mum is home for the moment from the hospice and settled quietly in at home. Dad is being pretty awesome being her main carer for the last year, despite his own health issues, although now he is supported by a team of hospice nursing staff and carers.

Mum early last month in her sunny garden

During the summer my son gained two A* grades, one A grade and two B grades in his exams and so he is now busy preparing for his big adventure!
With mixed emotions we will be packing up the car and driving the contents of his two rooms (or so it seems) to Lancaster University!
My lovelee son, my date at my pals wedding
Then I will make a quick exit and return to our roomy flat and for the first time in a lifetime it will be just me, (oh and kitty) and I will reflect on the losses of this year and ruminate on the future.

I wonder...!?*
Mostly I just hope.

Saz xx



Thursday, 26 July 2012

I have a new man in my life...

yes I do... and he has moved in!!
He does have expectations, he doesn't pay rent,  I provide food and drink, and he demands my sole attention. He likes me to stroke him and play with him and his boys toys... sometimes he likes to chase me up and down the stairs...he keeps anti social hours and doesn't come to bed until 4 or 5am...when he does he gets up close and personal and his facial hair tickles a lot..
He loves to cuddle and snuggle and loves a morning lay in...I think he loves me cos he purrs a lot, and is a sucker for a good rub on his tummy, in fact he just rolls over and takes it all...what more could a girl want?


A real man? nah I'm all done with that. 
Meet Monty... 9 weeks old. I took him in last week and his owners now can't look after him. So what would you do take him to a refuge? Give him away to a good home? Or keep him? Yeah yeah, l know, but I couldn't resist...















Saz xx

Friday, 29 June 2012

in stone or in sand?



… and in one day life changed
when you
touched my caged heart
and breathed for me.
So I took a chance,
together we opened  the door,

Overwhelmed
by your gentleness,
your affection,
the butter soft skin
and that Smile…
we soared
higher
 ‘etched in stone or scratched in the sand’
entwined, hopeful…

When you left,
the air became stale,
tinged
with a torrent of hurt
I, respectful of your choices
and  needs,
lay still,
lungs  bursting,
my loins weep
and long for you
an ache that burns through my day
and my skin stings
where your fingers once
aroused and soothed,
your lips, enflamed,
your words
filled me with laughter
and
 fulfilled me with love
and hope.

And now,
our love ,
 suspended

l miss your blue, blue eyes,
I still see their sadness,
I want to drain them of your doubts and guilt,
and fill them with belief

whilst I am left sitting
on the sharp edge of pain…
but yet,
still,  I believe 

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Mama

A while back I felt compelled to draw a picture of Mum/Moannie.

I have only ever painted one other portrait, in the '80's of my namesake Sara who was about three at the time...now a married lady.

So I gave it a go...and after several days of looking at the drawing I gathered the courage to add some watercolour..

I was scared that I would overdo the paint and lose the impression I wanted...which was to capture the essence of Mum...which I believe I have in her eyes and lovely mouth..

I did however overwork it...and completely lost the fluidity and looseness I liked before I spoiled it.
Luckily l took a digital image of it at it's best and I had this enlarged and printed.

l presented Mum and Dad with it and they were delighted.






Friday, 23 March 2012

here comes the sun

..and the sun burned through the cloud
breaking the sheet of winter,
permeating through the detritus
left from the early spring chills,
warmth spread through me
like a shockwave of hope,
a lifeline tethered by friendships
and anchored by a steely determination
to believe again,
laughing lessons in life,

and too I live, I laugh, I love...

saz x

Friday, 16 March 2012

a flying visit

I  arrived on Tuesday for a short drive by visit, keen to see Mum/Moannie and Dad/Jp face to face.
I haven't been down to visit this year and with all the drama's both here and in Kent, I knew only a visit would would comfort us all on many levels.


Mum is coping well with the treatments, drugs and ensuing symptoms and side effects. Compounded by changes in her mood and  limitations affecting her energy levels, l was pleased to see they have both now settled into new routines and managing better than anyone expected. Dad's newly diagnosed illness appears to have not daunted him. Like me he is fairly fatalistic and he is not, we are assured in any short term danger.

I am proud in how far they have come since November and how their human spirit and long marriage has served to give them strength over these sudden changes to their quiet and reportedly uneventful lives.

They are both an inspiration.




Saz x

Sunday, 26 February 2012

an enigmatic state!?



Happiness. Contentment. Joy. Pleasure. These are words we throw around, but I wonder if rarely do we really think about them and mean them? Understand them? Feel them. Is it a matter of subjectivity or perspective. In part I think yes, but I also believe in general terms the measure is the same yardstick of feeling. Of emotion.

Moannie and I were recently talking about the value of these words. Of how we of course aspire and hope. To feel them. The real deal.

We often innaely dribble out these words, about how happiness is all we want to feel. For ourselves. For our children. For mankind. Humanity. But it is such an elusive and transitory state . A state of mind that is transitory at best. Not available by request. It does not keep us alive. Though these states do nurture and nourish us. Keep us on track. A carrot to keep us on the road of hope.

I do not believe that happiness is a state of mind. I believe that happiness is a momentary state. More slippery than many its contemporaries. Mithering about the lack of happiness in our lives, like feeling regretful is not purposeful nor is it aspirational. It cannot be brought about by desire. It just happens. It is the purist of emotions. An undiluted mix of pleasure & joy.

Contentment is a state of mind, for me. Attainable. Brick by brick we can build ourselves a warm blanket of contentment, safety and security. It is personal. A matter of perspective.

Joy is an emotion we can experience by recall. Of memory. Sparked by music, a song, a letter, a moment past. We can relive. By choice. At our own request.

Pleasure is immediate. Pleasure is Food. Art. Books. Physical. Family. Sex. Breathing life. Different pleasures for us all. Pleasure can be cultivated. Seeded. Ploughed and harvested. Replanted. Bought or home grown. Borrowed. Bought. Given away.

A droplet of contentment, a rash of happiness, a storm of joy, a blanket of good fortune or a flush of pleasure.

I wonder which state do you yearn for?

Moment by moment...

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

sweet smell of success

l shouldn't have worried really,
on the back of a week of hell
no one could blame me for being a miss doubting thomas

but the proof was in the pudding
and lemon drizzle cakes

and cream scones

and buttered tea bread

























' Just the Biscuit'

all manner of kitchenelia


my own stall
'Bag Diva'
...bags of vintage style..

Saturday, 4 February 2012

new venture


on the back of my former Vintage website
I have recently  morphed and started to build an old interest and hobby
into a fledgling business, 
selling my handbag collection at fairs in the County
as there is nothing in our part of the county
I taken the bull by the proverbials and 
organised Fairs in Carlisle, bi-monthly over 2012
with Stuart, a local fellow Vintage enthusiast and dealer...


rather self explanatory...
been 6 months in the planning
and next Saturday is our toe in the water first affair
will post pics of the event ..
wish you all could come...

Saz x

Monday, 30 January 2012

A Fell and a Fall

A couple of weekends ago a friend from work asked me join him on a 'gentle' walk on the Fells. I've lived in Cumbria since 1996 and often wanted to go fell walking, but it never happened for one reason or another and l'm not the type to take myself off alone. After all l've always been told l'm clumsy, awkward, uncoordinated and have a hopeless sense of direction.

This gentle walk started on a  very steep incline, all rocky, and l felt l was scrambling  on all fours more than l was hill bloody walking. If l had been alone l surely would've turned back if it hadn't looked so impossible steep downhill. But my fellow walker was very enthusiastic and supportive, especially over a very icy and slippery stream, and yes l did end up on my arse! Butt then so did he!

As we took a break for water and nibbles for the 12h  time, boy was he right about my inadequate supplies of  sustenance. I took two bananas and a snickers bar with me. he pulled a face and sent me shopping in the market for sandwiches which I obediently did, knowing full well I wouldnt eat them as I don't have much of an appetite these days. HOW WRONG WAS I! My body screamed out for water at every 50 metres and food every 100 metres (or yards in my imperial brain) and thanks for the large bar of Milka which I gnashed my way through on the way down.

Approaching the nub of rocks that formed the summit, I smiled and sighed stating I would wait here, as I hadn't another metre of ascent in me. Adrian told me I had to go up there as the only way down was on the other side.. Smart man!! Simple Sara! He lied.....how do l not know when l'm being lied to. I just swallow every work l'm told. Gullible or stupid! Duh!

I crawled with much noisy moaning to the top, okay summit...and stood in frozen sunlight, in total awe!!








Bessy Boot , Rosthwaite Fell, Borrowdale.



l'm sure you agree it was worth the nearly 6 hours of climb and descent. I wasn't clumsy apparently, nor moaning, if l were uncoordinated I would've made a cockup of the whole day....but l didn't.

It was great fun and very satisfying and I didnt ache all that much the next day, surprisingly!

However as smug as I was not having met with incident nor accident on the fells, I have to admit, that as I walked downstairs to the kitchen to make a cuppa tea, my phone went off and as I checked it, I missed the bottom step entirely.....and sprained my ankle, all puffed up and blue tinged, I limped for three days and its still tender.

What is the message here...?