Friday, 30 December 2011

2011 and all that..

just reflecting some on the year that was.......  and if I think clearly, which admittedly is a little difficult at this very end of the year, I actually have to confess it was in the most part good in fact I would even go so far as to say a large part of it was great, even special.

However, that best part of it, remains in my pocket, to reflect upon later when l am stronger.

My divorce in September was a huge milestone to reach, kinda crept up upon me as living through it and past it, my feeling was that it was a long time coming. Well yes in fact a longer time coming than just the legal aspects...years long overdue, and that is down to me too. I couldn't do it, even though I should have. I don't give up easily and until presented with a fait accomplis, a no choice scenario, l caved. It wasn't worth fighting for.

As Joni says, '..l look at life from both sides now, from win and lose, and still somehow its lifes illusions l recall...I really don't know love at all...''

Moving on....and the back end of the year has brought some major bumps; restructuring at work, with my job of 8 years  ending and now an unattractive prospective position, I will be interviewed next week.

Time will tell, it always does. I am a fatalist and what is meant to be, will be.

I've not been lucky with my health this year, well with the bloody neck injury and now l am off work again with other issues, but it is allowing me to do all manner of soft activities and l am painting and writing again, which is great.

Of course the biggest bump in the road has been Mum / Moannie's sudden illness and diagnosis, coming to terms with this and managing the day to day isn't easy, but we are all managing under the circumstances. I visit as often as l am able and hope to again mid January.

My son will, results allowing, leave for University after the summer (god yes summer is on its way yay!!) and I will be so happy for him, a great big fat adventure. Then mine will begin perhaps it already has and l just can't see it.....

And so upon reflection, the year has taken a downturn, just as I had begun to believe again... but at least I believe now.

Even though  2012 may bring great sadness, a sadness I have never known, I believe and I hope...and somehow that is enough ...'cos it will see me and mine through....

and so yes to 2012 and all that....

Saz xx

Sunday, 25 December 2011

rocking around the christmas tree...

...am so not!

there has been a lot of 'rocky' but not in the dancin' sense and not in the Sly Stallone sense either...more like a rocky road, without the chocolate topping. I jest, but then one needs to joke or else heads will explode and who would clear up the mess!

It is Christmas day already and as per usual my eyes won't shut. Mind won't stop thinking. So in a minute l'll sup another cuppa camomile tea and lay in the dark counting virtual maltesers!

I've spent a  quite and simple evening, in a candle lit room and by god did it get warm, l wouldn't have thought that candles give off that much heat but the Galileo thermometer even stopped working! My son and I watched 'It's a wonderful life', as is tradition on christmas eve in this house and of course I wept on cue.

I am looking forward to the morning, which is nearly here, as lordy it's already 3.20am. Santa has been and left overflowing stockings for the 'kids'. My son is with me till noon, then I drive him halfway to his Dad's, with a cold war meeting in a car park to exchange said son and deliver daughters pressies as I won't be seeing her this Christmas. A first and it certainly won't be the last. And it's her 20th birthday on tuesday and  well I'll be thinking of her, after all they all fly the nest at some time don't they.

ah well, no pity party here...l may yet rock around the christmas tree...
                                the gin queens are talking about reuniting on new years eve......
                                                             
                                                      and it's not over till the fat lady sings after all!

Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night

saz x

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

simple pleasures

ahhh  my new goosey quilt...heaven (uh well almost!)

icing the Christmas cake...now just have to wait till Christmas day for the first slice, why is that, what stops us from having a slice sooner?

the twinkling of the fairy lights draped over the mantelpiece and bookshelves...think l'll leave them there after Christmas  they are lovely

making another list...and checking it twice

listening to christmas carols, whilst wrapping yet another 'last' impulse buy for under the tree

silent night, why does it make my eyes leak?

flickering candles out of the corner of my eye... on my bedside...a warm red comforting glow

the rustling of this new quilt whilst I type in bed...thankful for the company of its noise in the quiet

the sound of far away traffic through the slightly open window, gently reminding me there is something going on out there...

my son thumping down the stairs from his attic hideaway, from time to time, scavenging in the fridge for another bite to eat

long dark nights in, mooching about, long oily baths and gazing into the red hot fire...even though its artificial...dreaming l'll have a real one again some day

and soon....
the bins will be full of wrappings and left over food... a scattering of pine needles will be clinging for dear life hiding between the carpet and the skirting boards.. and the kids will go back to school and routine...

and we'll be gazing into springs beginnings...
                                                      not long now

Saz x

Saturday, 10 December 2011

I feel....

like I need to come home a while. ...I hope no one minds. I can't put my finger on it, but I have been drawn back here the last few weeks, quietly loitering. Perhaps its 'cos my new blog is now dedicated to updates about my Mama, and so I don't feel l should be writing about me and mine. So I have dusted it down and redecorated in a soothing tone to suit my mood.

So I'm gonna post here and there as and when  I feel like. Cos I CAN!!

Since I last posted, life has changed dramatically here; obviously in September I was granted my divorce and that was a incredible relief. However a downturn in Moannie's health has changed everything, my perspective in terms of it's the NOW that is important and that I should grab that thing by its balls and run with it, sod those thoughts that screw you over thinking about them ad infinitum. Do it Sara! But what that thing I'm gonna run with is, has yet to present itself..... though l do have a few new ideas l am kicking around!

Also my job situation is very precarious, I have applied for voluntary redundancy as it would fit quite well with what's going on here just now, but its been refused, so I will probably end up doing a job I don't care for, but I have to swallow that too. For now.

My kids are in great shape. I have only seen my daughter twice this year as lives with her Dad now, and she returns from uni next week, it would be lovely to see her, but she is a very different place and time, so I go with the flow. My lovely son is the rock he has always been, and even more so right now, bless him. Does he know how much I adore him?  Do they ever realise the impact they have? I bet he can't wait to go to uni next year, and break the apron strings. I can't even bear to think about being here alone, but he will have a great time l know it, so I keep imagining a new start somewhere far away, but that is really not gonna be practical on many levels.

I have a few more weeks off work, with the residue  of my whiplash injury playing up in this damp weather and a couple of other health issues. So christmas prep is done and dusted, cake made, pressies wrapped (such as they are) and if I can be arsed I may put up the tree. the kids are to their Dad's this year and l am gonna lounge on the couch with Jack and Jimmy .....   (Daniels & Hendricks have you met them?) and on New Years eve lets kick the year up its butt big time. I am hopeful the Gin Queens will reunite to repeat last years' escapade in town!!

Hogarth would have been proud!

Saz x

(it's good to be back)