Wednesday, 31 August 2011

inching closer


..and closer...this time next Wednesday I will be a single girl. Unmarried. Divorced.

When I received word that my divorce had been granted (on my terms) I was ecstatic, beside myself. It felt like a validation, someone believed me and agreed with my words and feelings.

And yet..the last couple of days have brought feelings of ambivalence and then some sadness, which is to be expected, but frankly I don't like it. It's too near the flat empty place I lived within for so long. I refuse to drown myself in such dampness and hopelessness.

After collecting my decree absolute, freshly stamped and with the ink of the Judge's signature still wet; I will be gathering with my friends. Those who helped me and encouraged me when I needed and when I didn't; those who sat quietly when I needed and who shouted at me when they believed I needed. Some of you are not able to be here in person, so I will raise my glass and think of you often.

I shall not dwell in sadness. I shall keep a torn corner of it and reflect upon it's making from time to time, with renewed perspective and lust for the adventures yet to happen...

I dwell in possibility....

Sara x

p.s. this will  be my final post in this place, as I feel it is now full and complete. I have moved to a new place, a new wide open blank canvas... waiting to be written.  You are welcome to join me.

Friday, 5 August 2011

A pain in the neck

(although I now occupy a new space in blogland, I can't quite vacate the old homestead)

These days I think it's always wise to expect the unexpected and sure thing Monday was one of those days.....

I got shunted and not in a good way, stationary waiting for a jcb to cross in front of my car at road works, the driver behind, just didnt notice or something and rearended me big time, and promptly drove off.

Forward to Tuesday and after police, statements and the locating by them of the aforementioned driver, I was beginning to feel the effects, my car needs some tlc, a new bumper and spoiler and I need tlc and a new spine. Well not quite I am exaggerating  a little.

I spent tuesday from 4pm, trussed up like a christmas turkey, flat on my back, neck in a brace and my head taped to the table in a large contraption. Took 6 people to roll me here there and everywhere. Xrays, bedpans, URGH!  AND no movement at all, fearful that the whip lash had cracked a vertebrae or worse.

My only view was of  the ceiling tiles for nearly 24 hours, and then the MRi . That was an experience, anyone I know who has had one, has said it claustrophobic and noisy at best. I found the clanging quite rhythmic and so I heard a melody in there and was only woken by my own snoring!  (btw I'm sure I don't snore)

The consultant released me from my prison bed after the MRi. The good news was nothing was cracked or broken. I apparently have severe arthritis in my neck now as well as my lower back, though neither gives me any jip really. The whiplash effect has displaced a disc and its pressing on a nerve that is now also dislodged, causing the numbness. With rest it may all return to normal, so a couple of weeks off. Hopefully this will do the trick otherwise I'm to go to a neurosurgeon in Newcastle..

So from my lovely bed, surrounded with books, pens, paper, music, gin - I kid you not my pal brought me a water bottle full of gin n tonic to the hospital. I KNOW who my friends are!

Having two men fuss after me last evening was quite splendid, not sure how long I can extend this treatment, but a girl has to try!

(update - the acc