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Showing posts from January, 2011

Get a grip woman

It's a double edged sword, parenting, motherhood, you want to keep them close and safe, yet know that the whole point of it all is to let them gently, step by step find their own way out there in the big old bad world. To nurture, feed and clothe them, give them boundaries (I'm crap at that now they are older). Give them space and time, and I do honestly I try very hard not to smother. It's time to take few more steps back from them.
This last year since my son and I have lived alone, apart from my husband and my daughter, I have accepted much and discarded what I can do absolutely nothing about, to hold onto it is toxic. I am no longer lost in a mist of an unhealthy relationship and a fog of unhappiness. The kids are seemingly accepting, each facing their own patches of darkness and coming out stronger, hopefully with lessons learned, and new expectations.

I like living as a single woman I find, exploring possibilities, no longer in fear of what lies ahead.
Next Friday at 4a…

and the fun continues...

a quiet night in but went for a drink after work which continued to the  local Indian
 Jenni, Faye & Luce Charlotte F is not looking to impressed  and a rare uncensored pic of FFF
things are definitely looking up!
Have a good weekend
Saz x

A Girlie Day

I have been looking forward excitedly for today. I attended a Life Drawing workshop and this is something I adore, getting lost in my own zone. Painting and drawing, like reading and writing really does this for me. I have let it go but no longer.

I am totally absorbed within the small space before me, upon which I can create. Utter bliss. I haven't made  any life drawing for years and l have hankered, oh how I have...So today for four straight hours, I drew and drew and drew, short poses and long poses. By the time I found my eye, I had only a one hour pose left.

The smaller, neatly hatched compositions were quite contained but for this last one, I did my own thing.
Out came the charcoals, the pastels and pencils and I mixed the media and just let it all out! Such fun and so good for the 'soul'.  A Saturday morning that created calm!

Then I attended a talk in the Museum on 'Pre-Raphaelite's and their heirs', which is part of the launch week activities for the…

out of reach

I'm driving,
without a destination,
just driving
feigning I have control of something,
within my hands,
my grasp

it's raining,
or is it?
through the misty, wet, windscreen
of my eyes,
I leave the country road
and stall along the grassy verge

baggage in the trunk
weighing heavy,
intent on pulling me down

I reach for the door handle,
hold on tight to its cold shiny hardness,
till the moment passes
and step beyond the car

a lane
more like a clearing
to my right
is clear of its green summer trellis,
undressed branches wave me through

the smell of winter leaving,
a whiff of spring essence fills me,
l choke on deep mouthful's and I swallow,
savouring its sweetness,

uphill I climb through the bracken,
past a barren, stagnant stream,
fed only from recent thawed pathways,

and at the top
I can see out over fields
and potential summer meadows

in the distance
seemingly out of reach,
a disused railway bridge,
solitary, waiting, brave, resolute,

I meander toward it,
all overg…

weather watch

when the hurricane hit
I wasn't surprised,
in fact I needed it,
wanted it,
had for years
waited and hungered
for its power and strength
to carry me off

helpless to defend
the onslaught
of bile, disrespect and hostility,
I brought in my emergency services
and quickly shored up the detritus,
taking what comforts remained,
yet defiant to protect mine own

brick by brick
I laid a place for us,
to wait, to heal, to breathe,
each brick expertly laid straight and level, four the walls around us all tall and thick
keeping me in, keeping it out, keeping us safe from the elements of more change before we, I am ready to let anyone in or me out

when summer came,
the boy spread his wings,
sure of himself and his abilities
and flew out, further and farther,
now standing tall and brave
and confident

I watch and wait,
checking the skies,
to see which way the wind blows

yet still l waited...

I wrote this last year on new years day... it had been in my bones for years, yet still I waited. It is now done and I am no longer lost, just floating on a contemplative moment

Pockets of Change
she is still, agly perched on the bed unnoticed, the safer option
a perifery of pain in every road crossing,

each dusty word  hangs heavy and hot in the stale air
cleft an open silence,

skulking into her apron, clenched fists slammed deep into the pockets of change

the thin ties that bind are taut sinew like cutting into her back leaving deep wales

her skin searing with heat itching to be scratched, her nails dig deep, loughing up flesh to feel, must feel it

her darkness shadows misshapen memories left against the wall

her apron hides the dull ache kept preserved boxed, plain, simple unspoken,

her guard is down tensions press the forehead a pulse throbs with urgency

her open flesh yearning for the crumbs
in the pages of remembrance

inbetween each sheath each page loves, lies, lives lived

hidden by life's procrastinations her effort…

a thin line

between love and hate
unlike a high wire artist
we wobble and lurch from side to side
in relationships, friendships
our families,
the line doesn't shift
it is a constant
it's taut and keen,
yet we waver
and hold out our arms in defiance
praying not to fall off
into the abyss of terror,
unknown, alone,
love holds its own line
on one edge
we fall
passionately, fulfilled, trusting
or if unlucky in a state of
captured, controlled, coerced
hate lines,
has too a passion, it feeds, it distrusts
or is innate, bleeding one dry from within,
each emotion
felt with a fervour,
impossible to fathom
moments of joy and sadness,
flipped like a coin
to be caught or dropped
without a safety net
to the ground

walk the line
trust in its strength
trust in self


it is, was, just something
something to reignite the dampened flame
something to make me laugh again
something to hold on to for a few moments
something to breathe the life back into me
something to smell, touch and arch into
something to lose, as quickly as was found
just something

flame bright

the naked flame,
beside me
flickers in the night

each breath l take threatens it,
my out breath hovers,
undecided whether to nourish it
or kill it

an old tune warms the room
nostalgia washes onto the pillow
a freeze frame of a golden moment
haunts the senses

shards of a new day,
of expectations not yet taken to root
but seeded deep in the dampness

I rise to the challenge,
keeping the flame bright
feeding it
just as it burns away

another hope,
another dream,
l shiver, I tremble,
while you watch
from a far,

I hesitate, I breathe

don't extinguish the flame
not just yet...

l need you

Gin Queens

I have never bothered with New Years Eve on so many levels, this year was going to be different l decided, from the get go I would boot 2010 up its arse and spend the first few hours of the new year with good friends

toasting the new year in! gini hendricks x 5
the very gorgeous faye
 charlotte and emma - Charlotte is almost as heavy handed with the gin as l am
 the hostess with mostest gin in Cumbria - apparently!

Sara x

river walks

not the greastest quality from my phone camera but the colours are true 4pm new years day  love the silhouetted tree line
 quite fitting to my quiet mood

took this on Boxing Day ice melting  for Erin in black & white

It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life for me ......and I'm feeling good

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel 

Sara x

Happy New Year!!