Sunday, 30 January 2011

Get a grip woman

It's a double edged sword, parenting, motherhood, you want to keep them close and safe, yet know that the whole point of it all is to let them gently, step by step find their own way out there in the big old bad world. To nurture, feed and clothe them, give them boundaries (I'm crap at that now they are older). Give them space and time, and I do honestly I try very hard not to smother. It's time to take few more steps back from them.

This last year since my son and I have lived alone, apart from my husband and my daughter, I have accepted much and discarded what I can do absolutely nothing about, to hold onto it is toxic. I am no longer lost in a mist of an unhealthy relationship and a fog of unhappiness. The kids are seemingly accepting, each facing their own patches of darkness and coming out stronger, hopefully with lessons learned, and new expectations.

I like living as a single woman I find, exploring possibilities, no longer in fear of what lies ahead.

Next Friday at 4am, yes you read that right, no typo, 4 bloody am, I shall walk my son a few hundred yards at best, around to his school, to meet the coach that will take him on his latest school trip. Patrick is going away for a 6 day trip to Paris & Brussels with his school friends and the excitement has been growing here steadily since Christmas.

This overlaps coincidentally with my 5 days off on the work rota. So l figure I will either be furiously washing and cleaning the house, or mopping about like a lost soul. I doubt it though...

Hopefully I will be somewhere in the middle of all that, by studying and perhaps even a bit of time spent drawing or painting. 
Lots of wandering around the flat semi nude, cos l am mostly a few degrees hotter than is comfortable, and just cos I can and it feels good. 
I can play my kinda music as loud as I want, (without overhead groans), listen to my 70's LP's all grainy and non digital on the old record player. 
I don't have to cook cos l need to, just cos I want to, all stuff my son doesn't like, asparagus and blue cheese risotto, creamed spinach, eat brussel sprouts raw yum, smoked haddock, Massaman curry, my own anchovies and olive pizza and spicy chicken casserole...

I'm not sure l'll have the time to miss him or worry.
Even though February hides many ghosts that will bug me...
He'll be fine and l'll be fine.
I have fine friends.

Am so very jealous though, I mean belle Paris! I can never tire of that city. To walk and walk and walk, by day and night through the early morning, buying a fresh baguette or croissants at 4am and  relishing each hot mouthful! I think I might treat myself finances allowing, post divorce (please soon) to take my self off for a long weekend there, perhaps with a pal.

Now this sounds like a plan. I shall pick up some brochures tomorrow!

I could even use my french passeport for the first time, enfin!

Saz x

Friday, 28 January 2011

and the fun continues...


a quiet night in
but went for a drink after work
which continued to the 
local Indian

yummy

 Jenni, Faye & Luce
Charlotte F is not looking to impressed 
and a rare uncensored pic of FFF

things are definitely looking up!

Have a good weekend

Saz x

Saturday, 22 January 2011

A Girlie Day


I have been looking forward excitedly for today. I attended a Life Drawing workshop and this is something I adore, getting lost in my own zone. Painting and drawing, like reading and writing really does this for me. I have let it go but no longer.

I am totally absorbed within the small space before me, upon which I can create. Utter bliss. I haven't made  any life drawing for years and l have hankered, oh how I have...So today for four straight hours, I drew and drew and drew, short poses and long poses. By the time I found my eye, I had only a one hour pose left.

The smaller, neatly hatched compositions were quite contained but for this last one, I did my own thing.
Out came the charcoals, the pastels and pencils and I mixed the media and just let it all out! Such fun and so good for the 'soul'.  A Saturday morning that created calm!

Then I attended a talk in the Museum on 'Pre-Raphaelite's and their heirs', which is part of the launch week activities for the newly refurbished and rehung galleries that make up the Tullie House Pre-Raphaelite collection, many works haven't seen the light of day for several decades.

I met a girlfriend for a swift pint, as l'm off the gin for now as pints last longer and are cheaper, l'll watch out for the beer bellies!

We then went shopping for a top for Faye..............3 hours later we returned to the pub, with overflowing bags. I bought two dresses, accessories, a skirt and a jacket that sounds hideous because I described it to Mum/Moannie and she shrieked, but I'm assured it looks fab! One dress Faye showed me, was I instantly said was more suitable for my 19 year old daughter. She assured me it would look great and that I could carry it, a size 12/14and  l laughed and said no chance, my mind is still in the 18/20 zone obviously even though l am now 50lbs lighter than I was last February. I surprised  myself and other customer by stripping off to my bra in the middle of an aisle and saying, 'what the heck, l can't be arsed queuing for a changing room...' and tried it on, l thought a little mutton, but Faye, my son, his girlfriend and my daughter who just popped into say Hello! between pubs and clubs, reassured me I do not.

So I am set for whatever, whenever, perhaps with a whomever!

Sara's got her mojo back!

Thursday, 20 January 2011

out of reach

I'm driving,
without a destination,
just driving
feigning I have control of something,
within my hands,
my grasp

it's raining,
or is it?
through the misty, wet, windscreen
of my eyes,
I leave the country road
and stall along the grassy verge

baggage in the trunk
weighing heavy,
intent on pulling me down

I reach for the door handle,
hold on tight to its cold shiny hardness,
till the moment passes
and step beyond the car

a lane
more like a clearing
to my right
is clear of its green summer trellis,
undressed branches wave me through

the smell of winter leaving,
a whiff of spring essence fills me,
l choke on deep mouthful's and I swallow,
savouring its sweetness,

uphill I climb through the bracken,
past a barren, stagnant stream,
fed only from recent thawed pathways,

and at the top
I can see out over fields
and potential summer meadows

in the distance
seemingly out of reach,
a disused railway bridge,
solitary, waiting, brave, resolute,
beckoning,

I meander toward it,
all overgrown, weary,
asleep,
yet full of living,

I walk along
between its grass filled tracks,
they keep me in line,
suggest a direction,
I walk for the longest time,

I walk head bowed,
scliffing my boots,
amid stones, brush and twigs,
tinder dry

fuel for the fire inside,
beginning to burn itself out,
if I don't feed it,
sustain it,
the smoke that still burns in my lungs,
from the inside out,

I want the flames to lick my throat,
smell the smoke in my hair, on my skin,
still intoxicating,
how long will the embers glow

I turn slowly, reluctantly
and
retrace my steps

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

weather watch

when the hurricane hit
I wasn't surprised,
in fact I needed it,
wanted it,
had for years
waited and hungered
for its power and strength
to carry me off

helpless to defend
the onslaught
of bile, disrespect and hostility,
I brought in my emergency services
and quickly shored up the detritus,
taking what comforts remained,
leaving,
yet defiant to protect mine own

brick by brick
I laid a place for us,
to wait, to heal, to breathe,
each brick expertly laid
straight and level,
four the walls around us
all tall and thick

keeping me in,
keeping it out,
keeping us safe
from the elements of more change
before we, I am ready
to let anyone in
or me out


when summer came,
the boy spread his wings,
sure of himself and his abilities
and flew out, further and farther,
now standing tall and brave
and confident

meanwhile,
I watch and wait,
checking the skies,
to see which way the wind blows

Sunday, 16 January 2011

yet still l waited...

I wrote this last year on new years day... it had been in my bones for years, yet still I waited. It is now done and I am no longer lost, just floating on a contemplative moment


Pockets of Change

she is still,
agly perched on the bed
unnoticed,
the safer option

a perifery of pain
in every road crossing,

each dusty word
 hangs heavy and hot
in the stale air
cleft an open silence,


skulking into her apron,
clenched fists
slammed deep
into the pockets
of change


the thin ties that bind
are taut
sinew like
cutting into her back
leaving deep wales


her skin searing
with heat
itching to be scratched,
her nails dig deep,
loughing up flesh
to feel, must feel it


her darkness shadows
misshapen memories
left against the wall


her apron
hides the dull ache
kept preserved
boxed, plain, simple
unspoken,


her guard is down
tensions press the forehead
a pulse throbs with urgency


her open flesh yearning
for the crumbs
in the pages of remembrance


inbetween each sheath
each page
loves, lies, lives lived

hidden by life's procrastinations
her efforts to avoid change
and pain

the landscape of life
surrenders its waste,
she can smell it
taste it, fear it


dessicated leaves fallen,
branches reaching out
into the unknown,
bare


all knowing
she has watched them grow
change colour
like their moods
she needs to swallow,
gulps of succour
burning at her throat,
a venting,

the loss


the sleet trapped on her eyelashes
melts
and falls onto seared cheeks,
tears fall to burst


she falls
from the grey eiderdown
that threatens suffocation
beckoning
'take me'


the room suddenly suffused
with sunlight
offers succour,


no longer decayed
nor barren or bereft
overwhelming
layers upon layers
of calm,

she lay open,
exhausted
and weeping

Sore. Pain.

Alive.

S.A.F.W. 01/2010



Thursday, 13 January 2011

a thin line

between love and hate
unlike a high wire artist
we wobble and lurch from side to side
in relationships, friendships
our families,
the line doesn't shift
it is a constant
it's taut and keen,
yet we waver
and hold out our arms in defiance
praying not to fall off
into the abyss of terror,
unknown, alone,
love holds its own line
on one edge
we fall
passionately, fulfilled, trusting
or if unlucky in a state of
captured, controlled, coerced
hate lines,
has too a passion, it feeds, it distrusts
or is innate, bleeding one dry from within,
each emotion
felt with a fervour,
impossible to fathom
moments of joy and sadness,
then
flipped like a coin
to be caught or dropped
without a safety net
to the ground

walk the line
trust in its strength
trust in self

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Something

it is,
was,
just something

something to reignite
the dampened flame

something to make me
laugh again

something to hold on to
for a few moments

something to breathe
the life back into me

something to smell,
touch and arch into

something to lose,
as quickly as was found

just something

Sunday, 9 January 2011

flame bright

the naked flame,
beside me
flickers in the night


each breath l take threatens it,
my out breath hovers,
undecided whether to nourish it
or kill it


an old tune warms the room
nostalgia washes onto the pillow
a freeze frame of a golden moment
haunts the senses



shards of a new day,
of expectations not yet taken to root
but seeded deep in the dampness


I rise to the challenge,
keeping the flame bright
feeding it
just as it burns away


another hope,
another dream,
l shiver, I tremble,
while you watch
from a far,


I hesitate, I breathe


don't extinguish the flame
not just yet...

l need you

Thursday, 6 January 2011

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

Gin Queens

I have never bothered with New Years Eve on so many levels,
this year was going to be different l decided,
from the get go I would boot 2010 up its arse
and spend the first few hours of the new year with good friends

toasting the new year in!
gini hendricks x 5

the very gorgeous faye

 charlotte and emma - Charlotte is almost as heavy handed with the gin as l am

 the hostess with mostest gin in Cumbria - apparently!

Sara x

Sunday, 2 January 2011

river walks

 not the greastest quality
from my phone camera
but the colours are true
4pm
new years day
 love the silhouetted tree line

 quite fitting to my quiet mood


took this on Boxing Day
ice melting
 for Erin in black & white

Saturday, 1 January 2011

It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life for me ......and I'm feeling good


Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel 

Sara x


Happy New Year!!