Monday, 23 May 2011

it's time for an

... I just need to pick up some popcorn and stretch my legs for a while!

Friday, 20 May 2011


but not quite...
                     is it enough?

like coming in second place
and you never quite got to where
             you were heading,
where you needed to be

go on, reach out.....
   reach out,       s  t   r  e   t   c   h    out
           further,  more.....
 reach farther than you have ever reached out

            and yet still,
it is an inch away,
                        right before your very eyes

an inch may as well be
               an ocean,
                           a chasm

utterly unreachable

and you can see it
           smell it
                breathe it in
look it in the eye
      peer into its light
and dark
                     feel its warmth
                              its heat

looking right back at you

and yet,
     however much you reach,
                 however much you yearn,
it will never fill you,
           nor complete you,
it can never be yours

and when want,

most often
            you are fucked

and so...

       is almost

                better than nothing

         should almost

Saturday, 14 May 2011

Saz n Lucy ready to rock n whatever....

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Check out our BIG WEEKEND pics!!

I know this for sure...

Time heals (kinda)

Tomorrow never comes, so stop waiting for it, do that thing NOW

Loving our children is the most important thing we can do for them,
being there always is the second
being a parent not a friend is the third

Never give advice unless it is asked for (oopps l think l just did)

A house is not necessarily a home

Cherish your friendships

You have to love, soothe and care for yourself before you can properly do the same for anyone else

Love is more important than things, a house, a car, if you find it, live it, breathe it....
but if it suffocates you, it isn't real, you will get lost, time to bail....

Life is to short too iron, fold carefully

When all is dark inside and out remember two words,' HOLD ON'' for me every time

Never settle for less, in fact never settle

Trust your inner voice

Thursday, 12 May 2011

a few words from

Emily Dickinson (1830–86).  Complete Poems.  1924.

Part One: Life


HOPE is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;        5
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I ’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;        10
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Sunday, 8 May 2011

Dancing in the rain

On my doorstep in the most wonderful rainfall with the acoustic accompaniment of thunder and lightening.
Lucy singing 'London Town' and me swigging on a second bottle of Cosmic fizz... Glee
Unplanned moments are the best!
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Thursday, 5 May 2011

I have been locked out for 3 hours. I am cold and pissed off!


 I worked today, came home for a while, then I rushed back out to work this evening...
Finished work at 7.30ish,followed by a swift half in the pub with colleagues and then scampered home.... and duh keys.

Called one and only son, he was at his Dad's house, I asked what time was he coming back and was his sister in town...

he chortling '....after eleven Mum, and nah she is here with us',

I groaned, putting on a brave face, 'ok l'll go to Tesco and then get something to eat', trying to ignore the laughter in the background, or was I just imagining it.

I so needed to pee. I went to cast my vote, only after I begged to use their loo. Thank you God!

I sauntered off to Tesco, £10 in my purse, bought a paper, some reduced flowers, just cos l have to have flowers and walked in the rain to McDonald's as far as my budget would stretch. CLOSED.

Strolled round to KFC, dawdled outside, cos l knew if I bought one it would be deelish, but then it would sit in my belly all night, heavy and on my hips for the next month.

They were about to close, so I pitifully walked up and bought the daggy end of the chicken, chucked in between the dry sides of a chabbata bun. Chips and a coke.

I had managed to kill an hour, I sat on my stoop, ate the lot, way to fast. Got ketchup all over me and my mobile phone. Called everyone l know. no one home tonight. Then texted everyone I don't know. Unsurprisingly I had no replies

I sat and sipped coke and smoked too many smokes.

The mobile bell sounded and Lucy texted, 'Hi hun, l'm out. Can't help you, sorry!' ugh!

Just before 11pm, my son texted to say he was on his way home. Now to face the question that had been forming in the recess of my mind. Do I go hide around the corner, until his Dad has dropped him off. Or sit there, frozen, damp, with white numb toes and fingers. Could I really be arsed to move, to save face?

Nah! I had forgotton my keys is all. I waited another ten minutes and my son got dropped off around the corner.

I am tucked up in my warm dressing gown. A hot shower n mug tea . Bliss.

Note to self. As this is the third time this has happened in as many months, go get yourself  two new keys cut tomorrow and keep them in your purse.

Night all.

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

My Mojo was missing

I'm not sure I can explain this properly. I'm not sure I can even put my finger on it. I'm not sure I even know where it has been. I'm not so sure I would recognise it if I saw it. I will try and explain.

I think I began to miss it some years ago. Some days I found myself feeling as if I was detached from my body. Detached from my family and friends. Detached from my life. Detached. In limbo.

It was as if I was in waiting for an event. What event? I had no knowledge of any nor any expectancy for any such happening.
It has felt like the sort of thing you read about when people talk about 'out of body experiences'. I have felt sad. At times I have felt very angry. Frustrated. Fit to burst. But I know not what about. I have felt disappointment.

It isn't depression. That shadow has visited. I know the difference. It is a chasm. Deep space. Off the beat. Out of sync.

I have assuaged these deep and strong feelings by telling myself I am at a crossroads. A watershed. Perhaps it is trite and indulgent, but it has seemingly got me through, I think to here and now. It has helped. Nothing terrible has happened. Really. I think I have been changing. Treading water. Holding on. By my fingernails.

Over a year on from big changes and I think I have found a balance. I hope. I have not been looking. We have made changes. Not all welcomed. Some by the seat of our pants. Not all tangible.

Maybe it takes a little sunshine. Maybe it is a rite of passage. From one age to another. The dynamic is changing. I am changing. Everything changes. All of the time. Sometimes there is more noise. Sometimes there is a space left that needs filling. Or not. Maybe it takes time. Energy. Patience. Deep replenishing breaths of life.

It may also be that the cathartic and life affirming nature of these changes have helped. It may be the kindness of others. Watching people reach out. Friendships made. The beginning of something new. The fulfillment and richness of the moment. The prize of life.

A shift in the spirit level of family. Relationships realigned.

It is early days, but I'm pretty sure I've got my mojo back!
(I wonder what I should do with it, now that I've found it!)

Monday, 2 May 2011

reasons to be cheerful

today my son is contented,

today my daughter is okay (I think),

today there is food in the fridge n cupboards,

today bills are paid (just),

today the sun is shining,

today everyone I care about is healthy,

today I haven't been made redundant at work (this time around),

today I have the best of friends ( lucky me),

today I have my own place, and space to ponder and dream,

so for today this has to be enough...

Sunday, 1 May 2011

Up close

During this wonderful hot weather spell
I have spent some time in my magic garden
pondering and wondering...
having some fun 
with the macro settings on my camera
(no I rarely read the instructions)

daisy, daisy...

l will never take the daisy for granted again, how beautiful is this...!

who woulda thought a dandy could look so brilliant

so soft...

so blue...but what the heck is it?
Ron tells me it is a Bluebonnet, national flower of Texas no less!!

a peek in through my special garden...

(click any to enlarge)

thought for today...

 "Forever is composed of nows." ~Emily Dickinson