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2011 and all that..

just reflecting some on the year that was.......  and if I think clearly, which admittedly is a little difficult at this very end of the year, I actually have to confess it was in the most part good in fact I would even go so far as to say a large part of it was great, even special.

However, that best part of it, remains in my pocket, to reflect upon later when l am stronger.

My divorce in September was a huge milestone to reach, kinda crept up upon me as living through it and past it, my feeling was that it was a long time coming. Well yes in fact a longer time coming than just the legal aspects...years long overdue, and that is down to me too. I couldn't do it, even though I should have. I don't give up easily and until presented with a fait accomplis, a no choice scenario, l caved. It wasn't worth fighting for.

As Joni says, '..l look at life from both sides now, from win and lose, and still somehow its lifes illusions l recall...I really don't know love at all.…

rocking around the christmas tree...

...am so not!

there has been a lot of 'rocky' but not in the dancin' sense and not in the Sly Stallone sense either...more like a rocky road, without the chocolate topping. I jest, but then one needs to joke or else heads will explode and who would clear up the mess!

It is Christmas day already and as per usual my eyes won't shut. Mind won't stop thinking. So in a minute l'll sup another cuppa camomile tea and lay in the dark counting virtual maltesers!

I've spent a  quite and simple evening, in a candle lit room and by god did it get warm, l wouldn't have thought that candles give off that much heat but the Galileo thermometer even stopped working! My son and I watched 'It's a wonderful life', as is tradition on christmas eve in this house and of course I wept on cue.

I am looking forward to the morning, which is nearly here, as lordy it's already 3.20am. Santa has been and left overflowing stockings for the 'kids'. My son is wi…

simple pleasures

ahhh  my new goosey quilt...heaven (uh well almost!)

icing the Christmas cake...now just have to wait till Christmas day for the first slice, why is that, what stops us from having a slice sooner?

the twinkling of the fairy lights draped over the mantelpiece and bookshelves...think l'll leave them there after Christmas  they are lovely

making another list...and checking it twice

listening to christmas carols, whilst wrapping yet another 'last' impulse buy for under the tree

silent night, why does it make my eyes leak?

flickering candles out of the corner of my eye... on my bedside...a warm red comforting glow

the rustling of this new quilt whilst I type in bed...thankful for the company of its noise in the quiet

the sound of far away traffic through the slightly open window, gently reminding me there is something going on out there...

my son thumping down the stairs from his attic hideaway, from time to time, scavenging in the fridge for another bite to eat

long dark nights…

I feel....

like I need to come home a while. ...I hope no one minds. I can't put my finger on it, but I have been drawn back here the last few weeks, quietly loitering. Perhaps its 'cos my new blog is now dedicated to updates about my Mama, and so I don't feel l should be writing about me and mine. So I have dusted it down and redecorated in a soothing tone to suit my mood.

So I'm gonna post here and there as and when  I feel like. Cos I CAN!!

Since I last posted, life has changed dramatically here; obviously in September I was granted my divorce and that was a incredible relief. However a downturn in Moannie's health has changed everything, my perspective in terms of it's the NOW that is important and that I should grab that thing by its balls and run with it, sod those thoughts that screw you over thinking about them ad infinitum. Do it Sara! But what that thing I'm gonna run with is, has yet to present itself..... though l do have a few new ideas l am kicking aroun…

inching closer

..and closer...this time next Wednesday I will be a single girl. Unmarried. Divorced.
When I received word that my divorce had been granted (on my terms) I was ecstatic, beside myself. It felt like a validation, someone believed me and agreed with my words and feelings.

And yet..the last couple of days have brought feelings of ambivalence and then some sadness, which is to be expected, but frankly I don't like it. It's too near the flat empty place I lived within for so long. I refuse to drown myself in such dampness and hopelessness.

After collecting my decree absolute, freshly stamped and with the ink of the Judge's signature still wet; I will be gathering with my friends. Those who helped me and encouraged me when I needed and when I didn't; those who sat quietly when I needed and who shouted at me when they believed I needed. Some of you are not able to be here in person, so I will raise my glass and think of you often.

I shall not dwell in sadness. I shall keep a …

A pain in the neck

(although I now occupy a new space in blogland, I can't quite vacate the old homestead)
These days I think it's always wise to expect the unexpected and sure thing Monday was one of those days.....
I got shunted and not in a good way, stationary waiting for a jcb to cross in front of my car at road works, the driver behind, just didnt notice or something and rearended me big time, and promptly drove off.
Forward to Tuesday and after police, statements and the locating by them of the aforementioned driver, I was beginning to feel the effects, my car needs some tlc, a new bumper and spoiler and I need tlc and a new spine. Well not quite I am exaggerating  a little.
I spent tuesday from 4pm, trussed up like a christmas turkey, flat on my back, neck in a brace and my head taped to the table in a large contraption. Took 6 people to roll me here there and everywhere. Xrays, bedpans, URGH!  AND no movement at all, fearful that the whip lash had cracked a vertebrae or worse.
My only view w…

I'm moving on...

no I am not moving house again...I can't even bear the thought of it!

I am moving on from FFF...I feel the time has come  (see previous post) to spread my wings and er well push the envelope a little.
I will still post here from time to time and post images on Capturing Carlise as and when...
I have thought abut this for a while and with all the changes that have occurred  over the four or more years since I first started blogging for my sanity I have decided to create a new space for myself elsewhere.
If any of my friends would like to come visit my new space, then please let me know and I will give you the details, I may have visited you already and you may not have known it to be me as I am not Saz/Sara at the new place..
As Jim says back soon with betterer stuff....
Sara x



another step forward

... at 10am today, a county court judge will officially pronounce that I have been granted a decree nisi. In anticipation I believed that I would be quite sad when the letter arrived, in fact I was very pleased, very relieved and I found l was quite excited. I've been sad and unhappy for a long, long time...I believe I am done with all that.

Now I look forward to the 7th September's decree absolute and

I look forward.......

Many, many thanks for all the support, advice and shoulders proffered friends, work colleagues and family...you know who you are and please believe me when I say, 'l honestly could not have got through it without you....'

There are still some 'issues' yet to be addressed, but I am through the other side and
so to new beginnings, new friends, new experiences and pleasures...

I've only just begun

What have I been doing....?

well I have been taking macro photos

 and 

and



and much sitting street side,  much contemplating and pondering


 and working here...
 eating my lunch here


tea drinking ahhhh!!


  thinking about cycling not doing though, weather has been crap and l am a fair weather cyclist!



some mixing it...

with Lucy
and I stayed far too long in here...

and l began to sell some of my handbag collection


and more people watching....


and
 I fell in love 


with this kitty, but I was told I couldn't bring her home...  not a cat lover, but I really fell head over heels this time
and I watched the sunset beyond the Castle at 10.15pm

so a bit of this and that .....

Sara x ..

Happy Father's Day!!

voici mon pere..
Jean-Pierre Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

it's time for an

... I just need to pick up some popcorn and stretch my legs for a while!

almost

but not quite...
                     is it enough?

like coming in second place
and you never quite got to where
             you were heading,
where you needed to be

go on, reach out.....
   reach out,       s  t   r  e   t   c   h    out
           further,  more.....
 reach farther than you have ever reached out
                                    before,

            and yet still,
it is an inch away,
                        right before your very eyes

an inch may as well be
               an ocean,
                           a chasm

utterly unreachable
                  unattainable
                               untouchable
                                                unreal

and you can see it
           smell it
                breathe it in
look it in the eye
      peer into its light
and dark
                     feel its warmth
                              its heat

looking right back at you

and yet,
     however much you reach,
                 however much you yearn,
it …

Saz n Lucy ready to rock n whatever....

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Check out our BIG WEEKEND pics!!

I know this for sure...

Time heals (kinda)

Tomorrow never comes, so stop waiting for it, do that thing NOW

Loving our children is the most important thing we can do for them,
being there always is the second
being a parent not a friend is the third

Never give advice unless it is asked for (oopps l think l just did)

A house is not necessarily a home

Cherish your friendships

You have to love, soothe and care for yourself before you can properly do the same for anyone else

Love is more important than things, a house, a car, if you find it, live it, breathe it....
but if it suffocates you, it isn't real, you will get lost, time to bail....

Life is to short too iron, fold carefully

When all is dark inside and out remember two words,' HOLD ON''...works for me every time

Never settle for less, in fact never settle

Trust your inner voice

a few words from

Emily Dickinson (1830–86).  Complete Poems.  1924.
Part One: Life

XXXII
HOPE is the thing with feathersThat perches in the soul,And sings the tune without the words,And never stops at all,And sweetest in the gale is heard;        5And sore must be the stormThat could abash the little birdThat kept so many warm.I ’ve heard it in the chillest land,And on the strangest sea;        10Yet, never, in extremity,It asked a crumb of me.

Dancing in the rain

On my doorstep in the most wonderful rainfall with the acoustic accompaniment of thunder and lightening.
Lucy singing 'London Town' and me swigging on a second bottle of Cosmic fizz... Glee
Unplanned moments are the best!
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I have been locked out for 3 hours. I am cold and pissed off!

OMG!!!

 I worked today, came home for a while, then I rushed back out to work this evening...
Finished work at 7.30ish,followed by a swift half in the pub with colleagues and then scampered home.... and duh ...no keys.

Called one and only son, he was at his Dad's house, I asked what time was he coming back and was his sister in town...

he chortling '....after eleven Mum, and nah she is here with us',

I groaned, putting on a brave face, 'ok l'll go to Tesco and then get something to eat', trying to ignore the laughter in the background, or was I just imagining it.

I so needed to pee. I went to cast my vote, only after I begged to use their loo. Thank you God!

I sauntered off to Tesco, £10 in my purse, bought a paper, some reduced flowers, just cos l have to have flowers and walked in the rain to McDonald's as far as my budget would stretch. CLOSED.

Strolled round to KFC, dawdled outside, cos l knew if I bought one it would be deelish, but then it would sit …

My Mojo was missing

I'm not sure I can explain this properly. I'm not sure I can even put my finger on it. I'm not sure I even know where it has been. I'm not so sure I would recognise it if I saw it. I will try and explain.

I think I began to miss it some years ago. Some days I found myself feeling as if I was detached from my body. Detached from my family and friends. Detached from my life. Detached. In limbo.

It was as if I was in waiting for an event. What event? I had no knowledge of any nor any expectancy for any such happening.
It has felt like the sort of thing you read about when people talk about 'out of body experiences'. I have felt sad. At times I have felt very angry. Frustrated. Fit to burst. But I know not what about. I have felt disappointment.

It isn't depression. That shadow has visited. I know the difference. It is a chasm. Deep space. Off the beat. Out of sync.

I have assuaged these deep and strong feelings by telling myself I am at a crossroads. A waters…

reasons to be cheerful

today my son is contented,

today my daughter is okay (I think),

today there is food in the fridge n cupboards,

today bills are paid (just),

today the sun is shining,

today everyone I care about is healthy,

today I haven't been made redundant at work (this time around),

today I have the best of friends ( lucky me),

today I have my own place, and space to ponder and dream,

so for today this has to be enough...

Up close

During this wonderful hot weather spell I have spent some time in my magic garden pondering and wondering... and having some fun  with the macro settings on my camera (no I rarely read the instructions)

daisy, daisy...



l will never take the daisy for granted again, how beautiful is this...!





who woulda thought a dandy could look so brilliant






so soft...





so blue...but what the heck is it?
Ron tells me it is a Bluebonnet, national flower of Texas no less!!









a peek in through my special garden...

(click any to enlarge)


Gold Dust

Just arrived two gold dust tickets for the Saturday! I was tempted to give them to my kids, for about a milli second,  and why should I?  we all applied and heck I want to see Foo Fighters and PLAN B.  God I love Strickland banks LP sorry CD!

Blink

a blink of an eye
and it could pass you by

unnoticed
unmeasured

a stolen glance
a touch
a moment

gone
its only trace
a bruise
no one can see

yet I can feel it
with each in breath
and every beat of my heart

would I have missed it
if I had blinked once
out of time

not a chance

a late springing

snow topped hills
peek out upon the horizon

last weeks frost lingers in the thick earth
the sun is higher in the blue, volcanic ash-free skies

bare branches stretch out
proudly showing off their new buds
crowded cafe tables clutter the streets
renewed vigour and hope
drowns out
the winter blues

daffodils stand tall
wave bravely,

a new hairstyle
trashed in the fresh breeze
exposed hands and feet
in open toe shoes, chilled

manicured toes and fingernails,
defiantly painted slut red

sunglasses perched
at the ready on head

breathing deeply of the sweeter spring air
the promise of new beginnings

Times passes...

it's been nearly a month since l last posted and l don't know where the time has gone. I haven't posted because I haven't thought of a blog post, a topic, haven't felt the need to rant, cry or cheer.

I have just been.... still, watching, waiting, mulling, living.

I haven't been particularly busy, but I have been thinking a lot...and thinking time is the best of times (it can be crap too) but I like the way that problems, answers to questions and general musings mutate into solutions.

And when l say thinking time, l am not frenetically analysing stuff, I am just absorbing and letting things wash over me. This is not something l would usually do. But then this is not my usual. It's my now. And so I just accept it. And each day a problem turns into a solution, general niggles seem to right themselves.

The blog(s) have filled a hole, have kept me company, entertained, enriched and consoled me and sometimes divided my own opinions. A crutch. A friend. indeed.

As…

the return

I know the how
I know the when
I know I am diminished by the why
and dismissal plunders deep

the skin dries, peels,
sheds
over and over
and over

the new virgin flesh
is supple and chaste
moistened

divest of mind clutter
massage gently
at the points of remember

feelings
left
to float beside me
lay comfortably

accepting
of their presence
not needing
to feel or do

it just is...


( I found this in my drafts, revisited it is even more so a truth)

One year on

and I find I am still breathing, feeling, loving, holding my life in my hands
one year on and I find I am void of anger, bitterness, holding still, a little disappointment
one year on, I find much is the same, friends, family others, holding me back from shadow

one year on and I find I like myself,  no longer lost, hidden,  settling for less, for the sake of  'us', holding on to the real me again

one year on, and I find much is different, mostly within me, I hunger for life I thirst for courage I mostly breathe in wonder
one year on and I find I am filled with curiosity, realising that what was, isn't all there is, isn't all there should be, holding out for a better way,
a better me


14th February 2011

Bottoms up!

Cheers! Slainte! Prost! L'chaim! 
Skal!  Na zdoroviel!  Sante!
cin cin!
 Up yours!

time for extreme measures...

everything is just fine here
xxxx

Rise, rise, rise...

For my friend 'Suburbia', for whom today I shed bucket loads,
she rose like a warrior today, I'm so proud of you,
she is fab, feisty and forty something

and for my girlies, you know who you are,

and for me



Still I RiseYou may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, lik…

Marchons! Marchons!

Flicked on the rugby, it's Six Nations time again....and phoar!!!  Stopping by to check them there thighs, and it's such a good game, I haven't yet switched back to ITV2 to gauggle at Steven Tyler  so must be good
... and then they brought on  Chabal not a fan of muscley bodies then there is always the exception
Just because I can and in case he hasn't reach your tv screen thought I would share him with you! My pleasure



Get a grip woman

It's a double edged sword, parenting, motherhood, you want to keep them close and safe, yet know that the whole point of it all is to let them gently, step by step find their own way out there in the big old bad world. To nurture, feed and clothe them, give them boundaries (I'm crap at that now they are older). Give them space and time, and I do honestly I try very hard not to smother. It's time to take few more steps back from them.
This last year since my son and I have lived alone, apart from my husband and my daughter, I have accepted much and discarded what I can do absolutely nothing about, to hold onto it is toxic. I am no longer lost in a mist of an unhealthy relationship and a fog of unhappiness. The kids are seemingly accepting, each facing their own patches of darkness and coming out stronger, hopefully with lessons learned, and new expectations.

I like living as a single woman I find, exploring possibilities, no longer in fear of what lies ahead.
Next Friday at 4a…

and the fun continues...

a quiet night in but went for a drink after work which continued to the  local Indian
yummy
 Jenni, Faye & Luce Charlotte F is not looking to impressed  and a rare uncensored pic of FFF
things are definitely looking up!
Have a good weekend
Saz x

A Girlie Day

I have been looking forward excitedly for today. I attended a Life Drawing workshop and this is something I adore, getting lost in my own zone. Painting and drawing, like reading and writing really does this for me. I have let it go but no longer.

I am totally absorbed within the small space before me, upon which I can create. Utter bliss. I haven't made  any life drawing for years and l have hankered, oh how I have...So today for four straight hours, I drew and drew and drew, short poses and long poses. By the time I found my eye, I had only a one hour pose left.

The smaller, neatly hatched compositions were quite contained but for this last one, I did my own thing.
Out came the charcoals, the pastels and pencils and I mixed the media and just let it all out! Such fun and so good for the 'soul'.  A Saturday morning that created calm!

Then I attended a talk in the Museum on 'Pre-Raphaelite's and their heirs', which is part of the launch week activities for the…

out of reach

I'm driving,
without a destination,
just driving
feigning I have control of something,
within my hands,
my grasp

it's raining,
or is it?
through the misty, wet, windscreen
of my eyes,
I leave the country road
and stall along the grassy verge

baggage in the trunk
weighing heavy,
intent on pulling me down

I reach for the door handle,
hold on tight to its cold shiny hardness,
till the moment passes
and step beyond the car

a lane
more like a clearing
to my right
is clear of its green summer trellis,
undressed branches wave me through

the smell of winter leaving,
a whiff of spring essence fills me,
l choke on deep mouthful's and I swallow,
savouring its sweetness,

uphill I climb through the bracken,
past a barren, stagnant stream,
fed only from recent thawed pathways,

and at the top
I can see out over fields
and potential summer meadows

in the distance
seemingly out of reach,
a disused railway bridge,
solitary, waiting, brave, resolute,
beckoning,

I meander toward it,
all overg…

weather watch

when the hurricane hit
I wasn't surprised,
in fact I needed it,
wanted it,
had for years
waited and hungered
for its power and strength
to carry me off

helpless to defend
the onslaught
of bile, disrespect and hostility,
I brought in my emergency services
and quickly shored up the detritus,
taking what comforts remained,
leaving,
yet defiant to protect mine own

brick by brick
I laid a place for us,
to wait, to heal, to breathe,
each brick expertly laid straight and level, four the walls around us all tall and thick
keeping me in, keeping it out, keeping us safe from the elements of more change before we, I am ready to let anyone in or me out

when summer came,
the boy spread his wings,
sure of himself and his abilities
and flew out, further and farther,
now standing tall and brave
and confident

meanwhile,
I watch and wait,
checking the skies,
to see which way the wind blows

yet still l waited...

I wrote this last year on new years day... it had been in my bones for years, yet still I waited. It is now done and I am no longer lost, just floating on a contemplative moment

Pockets of Change
she is still, agly perched on the bed unnoticed, the safer option
a perifery of pain in every road crossing,

each dusty word  hangs heavy and hot in the stale air
cleft an open silence,


skulking into her apron, clenched fists slammed deep into the pockets of change

the thin ties that bind are taut sinew like cutting into her back leaving deep wales

her skin searing with heat itching to be scratched, her nails dig deep, loughing up flesh to feel, must feel it


her darkness shadows misshapen memories left against the wall

her apron hides the dull ache kept preserved boxed, plain, simple unspoken,

her guard is down tensions press the forehead a pulse throbs with urgency

her open flesh yearning for the crumbs
in the pages of remembrance


inbetween each sheath each page loves, lies, lives lived

hidden by life's procrastinations her effort…

a thin line

between love and hate
unlike a high wire artist
we wobble and lurch from side to side
in relationships, friendships
our families,
the line doesn't shift
it is a constant
it's taut and keen,
yet we waver
and hold out our arms in defiance
praying not to fall off
into the abyss of terror,
unknown, alone,
love holds its own line
on one edge
we fall
passionately, fulfilled, trusting
or if unlucky in a state of
captured, controlled, coerced
hate lines,
has too a passion, it feeds, it distrusts
or is innate, bleeding one dry from within,
each emotion
felt with a fervour,
impossible to fathom
moments of joy and sadness,
then
flipped like a coin
to be caught or dropped
without a safety net
to the ground

walk the line
trust in its strength
trust in self

Something

it is, was, just something
something to reignite the dampened flame
something to make me laugh again
something to hold on to for a few moments
something to breathe the life back into me
something to smell, touch and arch into
something to lose, as quickly as was found
just something

flame bright

the naked flame,
beside me
flickers in the night


each breath l take threatens it,
my out breath hovers,
undecided whether to nourish it
or kill it


an old tune warms the room
nostalgia washes onto the pillow
a freeze frame of a golden moment
haunts the senses


shards of a new day,
of expectations not yet taken to root
but seeded deep in the dampness


I rise to the challenge,
keeping the flame bright
feeding it
just as it burns away


another hope,
another dream,
l shiver, I tremble,
while you watch
from a far,


I hesitate, I breathe


don't extinguish the flame
not just yet...

l need you

Gin Queens

I have never bothered with New Years Eve on so many levels, this year was going to be different l decided, from the get go I would boot 2010 up its arse and spend the first few hours of the new year with good friends

toasting the new year in! gini hendricks x 5
the very gorgeous faye
 charlotte and emma - Charlotte is almost as heavy handed with the gin as l am
 the hostess with mostest gin in Cumbria - apparently!

Sara x