Monday, 30 August 2010

The Halls of my Yesterday





When reading someone's latest post, I often feel that they must have been inside my head and written out my thoughts for all to see! But in a more succinct and beautiful way than l ever could. Some time ago the wonderful Erin posted about our yesterdays and talked about living with one foot in the past and one in the present.  


I let her post wash over me. I questioned myself and then l sighed. I inhaled her words.  
I felt that she had walked the halls of my yesterday. 
I do seem to live with one foot in the past. I tend to hanker after a simpler life, a world where I felt safe and sound, without a whiff of responsibility. Although I surround myself with furniture and bits and pieces I feel I can't part with. This is I think the way I fill the hole inside, it may replace the missed feeling of security that we children have when young and are rotected by our families, by our environment and by our parents. Some of us have been lucky enough in this world to live with the two parents who gave us life and in the bosom of a 'happy' family life.  
Those early summer days and evenings, were often spent wandering aimlessly but happily along the small lanes,the soft downs, the beaches and the coastline of my childhood. Talking with strangers without fear, nothing innate or infected to make us wary. 
Just passing the time alone, with siblings or friends or with friendly elders. Being offered a sweet and accepting without hesitation or inhibition. Then come the Saturday nights at the disco's, the hoping, the yearning, the excitement of not knowing. The anticipation of the unknown, the temptations laid bare, innocently ignored. 


I know this to be true, whenever I see my folks on one of my almost quarterly visits down to the 'homeland', I can relax totally. I can breathe without any sense of worry over the kids,-as their father is with them and if he isn't he wouldn't be fretting the way l do!- I can go to sleep without a care, for a few days. My Dad has checked and locked up the house, I needn't double check it. I don't have buy or prepare any food, no need to do a wash, to see to the dog and all that whilst being as a wife, mother and employed house-frau dictates. I can just be a daughter and for that all I need do is relax and breathe deeply of the soothing waters of mother and father.  


I believe this is a healthy activity, the appreciation of things past, their value and their position in a time and place. I do not feel it is maudlin, nor melancholic, although not to confuse, it can have a tendency to be emotional. When I hear a certain song or tune unexpectedly, I do sometimes find that my throat tightens up and I feel it raw with emotion, the tune riding my mind and breaking free, a hidden memory of a day when I was free from wisdom, knowledge and experience. The lost innocence of our childhood cannot be regained. It's intense magic stored away until our own children are drinking of our well, we relive it through them and it tastes just as fresh and oh the clarity! It's value is then appreciated fully now we are long grown, we then fill up with a longing for the simpler times.  


Regardless of our age, our decade or our journeys, I'm sure many of us feel that getting older isn't all it's cracked up to be!
p.s. I am enjoying this third period of my life, it is just that being a grown up is really tough and hard work, you know!?


15 comments:

  1. I don't mind repeats a bit! ;-)

    I hope you do go see your parents as often as you can manage to. I try to instill in my children a sense that they'll always have a safe place with me (I myself no longer have that). One of the greatest gifts on earth.

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  2. Wow your post echoes what I have just written today ...How ironic....Beautiful writing...it has really left me thinking and yearning..you put into words so beautifully what I was thinking. The wish to regain that feeling from the past...lucky for you, you are able to find bits of it when you visit your folks. Embrace it!

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  3. You are lucky that you can go and visit your parents and feel a sense of relaxation. I grew up with a sense of fear of what they would do or say and have tended to continue in this vein. However, now I can relax totally in Lorne's love even tho I continue to fear for how long this will last.

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  4. Yes, being a grown up is tough work... imagine all the carefree days when we were kids. No worries and no fears.

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  5. being grown up ... hard work? Indeed it is at times.

    My son was moaning about his procrastination the other day - I think he caught it off me. My daughter has caught the negative self value illness sadly. I pointed him to "The Road Less Traveled" by M Scott Peck a book a friend recommended some years back. As "self help" stuff goes I really liked it largely as he was a therapist with many years professional experience - not a DJ who needs a second career and also because the very first sentence made me realise this was a man who understood.... it stats with the simple statement... "Life is difficult". Indeed it is but worth the effort

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  6. I can so relate to what you are saying. I too have my share of woes in this 3rd phase of life. I have so often yearned for the "simple life".

    Just this morning, as I received one of my day care kids, he had what I call Mommyitis. He came to the door very calm, with tears gently streaming down his cheeks. Mommy had been out of town for a few days. When she returned, she kept him home to spend time with him.

    It brought back memories when I felt the same way when I would leave my mom and the comfort I felt when she would hold me. Being a child, we found so much comfort knowing that our parents/caregivers would take care of it.

    Now we are all grown up. I long for a simple life. Sure I may have to work a part time job to afford living, but still, just to be simplified says a lot.

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  7. I am glad that you feel safe and secure here with us, though If I could go back I hope we would do better. You are too kind...but the truth is that whatever mistakes we made, there was never a moment when we did not love you, then as now.

    This was lovely, and the ties that bind can never be broken. XXX

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  8. So true ... as kids do, mine are always dreaming about when they're old enough to drive/work/buy a car/etc., and we're always telling them to appreciate the joys of being a kid! Love your photo!

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  9. It is always important in life to have a sanctuary, Sara, and you always create your own, mon tresor... How lucky you are, indeed, to have your parentals, and may you always create your peace, my darling friend... I am now a few days without t'internets, other than at work, so please excuse my absences and lack of attention... Love you, love this writing, love to you, Fhi xxx

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  10. What a lovely thought-provoking post. Thank you for sharing it.

    It's so true what you say about the power of music. For many years, when I was going through a really bad patch, I couldn't bear to listen to music. It certainly didn't soothe or comfort, it just tore me up inside. But now I find there are things I used to love that I can listen to again. So things must be getting better.

    Canadian Chickade

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  11. What a lovely thought-provoking post. Thank you for sharing it.

    It's so true what you say about the power of music. For many years, when I was going through a really bad patch, I couldn't bear to listen to music. It certainly didn't soothe or comfort, it just tore me up inside. But now I find there are things I used to love that I can listen to again. So things must be getting better.

    Canadian Chickade

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  12. Sounds daft but I miss visiting my parents. Daft because I am nearly 70 and that would make them..... well erm.. very old.
    I miss them when they were aged in their fifties/sixties.
    I can remember that feeling of security that I had when I was staying in their house (as an adult).
    Funny..... now I feel like that when my children come to stay! Reversal of the roles!
    Your posts are always beautifully reflective & set me thinking!
    Maggie X

    Nuts in May

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  13. Saz
    us 12 year old kids in 50 year old bodies is getting ridiculous!
    hankerin? you thinkin of a round up?
    ~rick

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  14. This was beautifully written and so relatable.
    Cheers, jj

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  15. a lovely post - you write so beautifully. i didn't have that sort of childhood - it was anxious and fearful - but i am having that sort of life now. we live in a small house with lovely neighbours who are friends and life feels very safe now, for the first time ever for me.

    i like how you write of the third age - i am looking on this as my second age (i am 51). i plan to live to be 100 (!) so this is my second half century. there have been a number of things that have made this very different to the first half century so there is a definite feeling of moving into another age too.

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Thanks for stopping by!

Take the weight of your feet, draw up a chair and pour yourself a cuppa. Leave your troubles at the door and together we shall ride out the storms.
I will walk a while in your shoes...

Saz x