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where is the sand man

when you really want him? Does he come along only when you're not looking or is he like Santa and only arrives when you've fallen asleep or is he like a London bus, no not big and red, but comes along in sets of three?

These days, or nights, I don't get to sleep until around 2am, which is a huge improvement on the 4 and 5 am watch l have been on in the last few weeks. Last night at 1.00am I was grouting around the tiles l had put up around the bathroom sink because l saw it needed finishing and not feeling very tired I just got onto it.

I do like my bed though, truly love it. On several levels! I love to read in bed. I love to sleep in bed. I love to sleep in. I love to just relax in bed.  My new bedroom is a haven of all the little things l cherish. A place to relax and ponder. Pictures. Photographs. Paintings. Books. Jewellery. Solid wooden furniture. Vintage textiles. Pretty items arranged on the dressing table and other surfaces. More clutter, no more less is more. My style. Me.

But frustratingly at the moment, l find l cannot read at all. It is something l've too often taken for granted as a simple pleasure, but even reading a magazine seems to take on Tolstonian proportions. It is par for the course, l do recognize this and acknowledge it as part of the process. Moving out. Moving on. Claiming my future. In my hands. Just mine. A chink of excitement tickles my spine and fades.

Many of us here are miles, even continents apart but we are still in it together;  Chic Mama, Amy, Erin, Suburbia, me... the guys too and there are many more of you out there. Moments like these all add up and as time passes, peace and acceptance lingers...
l hope, just hold on.


  1. i sleep about 5 hours a body just doesnt take mor with out me feeling like i have been run over by a mack truck...i love to read though...i just might go crazy if i lost that...

  2. Yes...just hang on, dearest is already a little just takes time...You are making it! And doing it beautifully...and just as you do EVERYTHING...with load of style, elegance and panache! Love you, Janine XO

  3. It's good that your room reflects you and that you feel comfortable there. It takes time to set new patterns but you've already established your space! This is good, good, Saz.

    I slept on the couch for the first four months I was alone, jeans on, even wire bra and all. It was my claiming my body and my space back, inside of my own rules. Now I'm back in bed but the bedroom is still foreign. I'm good with that. I am my own house now.

    Continents away and I can say, life can change course again at any second. No matter its direction, I'm hanging on! You, me, we're tough. Living once. Living well. Making it our own.


  4. Well, at least you're being productive while not sleeping! :-) Your bedroom sounds so lovely ... I hope the sleep you need finds you soon.

  5. Changes in life, big or little, affect everything in life, including things we love to do....I have had a very difficult time reading since my sister's death two months ago. I know that it will come back, but I miss it. We both would read similar books and would compare and recommend books together. I have had insomnia as well, but it is starting to get better. Just go with your body-it is telling you what it needs right now.
    Best wishes to you! You are doing fine.

  6. Could you maybe try a book downloaded onto an ipod, maybe someone someone's voice would remind you of childhood and being read to sleep.

    You will get there, I am 4 years further along than you and I promise the raw pain and sorrow subsides xxxx

  7. I am often awake at night. The other night I was dusting at four in the morning. Another night I was watching Pride and Prejudice. I read, play with my iphone, sometimes put hypnotherapy tracks on with my ipod ( never fails.... There is a whole sub society of women awake in the early hours- we should have a chat community somewhere....

  8. I am enjoying my big bed too, and my rooms as I want them.

    Keeping busy though, it stops you thinking huh? Not sure what will happen if I stop, though part of me longs for the peace and stillness of solitude, the other part won't let that happen. I cannot read either, not one page.

    Think of you often


  9. I'm sure as you get used to this new way of life, there will be many compensations. Take each day as it comes ......

    Nuts in May

  10. I'm sure you already know that we go through different stages after something like this happens and I expect you're still in the very early shock stages. I now sleep,sort of, but go to bed very very late to make sure I do but the dreams still happen. Last summer I managed to start reading again but that was over a year down the line...and now still I find it hard to concentrate. As you know I'm still so up and down, I get frustrated with myself that I'm not 'getting better'
    I hope you will settle soon, it's good that you love your room...that's a good thing.
    I hope today's meeting went well. XX

  11. sleep deprivation is a hard thing for me to bear. i become utterly unable to function during the day. i am wishing you good visits with the sandman.

  12. Grouting tiles sounds a lot more productive than counting sheep, that's for sure. I hope your reading concentration comes back soon - I can really understand you missing that. Like someone else said, books on ipod?

  13. I remember not being able to read! I used to snatch bits and pieces from magazines but that was all I could manage. I remember not sleeping too. Or sleeping only to wake with terrible nightmares. I think it's a stage you move through. You're doing so well. I love that you're enjoying expressing your style again. I remember how much I loved MY bed too!

  14. I've stopped reading in bed before going to sleep. I will read one page and fall asleep crumpling up the book.

    Hope you will be able to enjoy your bed for a nice long time whenever you want to...

  15. There is an award for you at mine. I know it will be hard so no worries if you don't want it. x Or want it but not do anything with it.

  16. Oh Saz. You are such a strong strong woman. And sleep? I've come to the conclusion after watching my poor mom, that I'll have plenty of time for it when I'm older....or dead!!! The reading....I miss. You have 'reclaimed' your bedroom and your house for YOU. That's a good thing~

    Hugs to you~


  17. After a really difficult time I began to listen to my radio at night, mostly to voices rather than music and I found the effort of listening tired me out. Now I cannot sleep unless I switch my radio on and if it is a repeat, so much the better.

    What happened to the promised video?

  18. You are in your own space and time, my sweet -- Give it time, and in time, you'll find peace and such tranquility there, I am sure. Love you, beautifully put - Fhi xxooxx

  19. I've clearly arrived here in the middle of something - or more optimistically, perhaps, the BEGINNING of something!

    I immediately identified with your frustration at not being able to read as you once did...I had a phase like that. NOTHING I tried seemed to be worth my while. Seems that every book I tried was mediocre at best. Maybe it was just me. In the past month, I HAVE
    read more books. I'm relieved.

    (I'm trying to determine whether the blogging/reading blog experience has diminished my actual desire to read. The fast and visual stimulation of blogging just may be the culprit for me. I am NOT pleased.)

  20. saz- i don't think there's a right way or wrong wat to muddle through. Whatever works as it comes. Glad your bed is a haven.


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Thanks for stopping by!

Take the weight of your feet, draw up a chair and pour yourself a cuppa. Leave your troubles at the door and together we shall ride out the storms.
I will walk a while in your shoes...

Saz x

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