Sunday, 28 February 2010

love IS blind

keep your eye on the door
watch or you may miss it

awakening from the cloud which is motherhood
I felt stupor and numbness
I was disinclined to rent the energy required
to salve and save
the tattered remnants
of our love

we began with open eyed fervour
and launched upon this climb together
with passion and humour
lusting and drenched in our ardour
we melted through nearly four decades together
bound by need and discovery

fueled by expensive taste and wine
our langour misplaced amongst offspring
and  the 9-5 cut through our vigour

believing that destiny had  bound us
my assumptions were cheap
presumptions worthless,
moreover intentions must be actioned
or else rendered invalid

living beyond our means
we became drenched in the greed of spend
cutting losses and running for the border
brought peace and renewal

ultimately disillusioned at our lack lustre
we trailed deep footprints of disappointment,
gnawing silently at our very foundations
the rats left their runs and bruised us with their stench

I cannot fight if others lay down their arms
but I do not surrender,
I stand guard for
if they are not at my door,
my children to come to my gate

this chasm in our living
is torture laid bare,
sooner than I expected
the beloveds are wrought from my arms
and l am listless, worn and trodden

and
I
just
wait
and
I live
and I breathe

waiting
to be needed

perhaps,
even loved.



SFW  14/02/10

15 comments:

  1. My feelings go out to you, they really do.
    I am very disillusioned right now about the way spouses are being dumped and hurting other people and splitting families. It is so common as to be almost as frequent as a bad cold.

    Give yourself time....... you need to heal & lick your wounds.

    Nuts in May

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  2. You've touched on so many familiar things Saz and I can feel the pain behind the words.

    Afterwards - no matter how long it takes - there is life to live once again.

    It often doesn't feel like it - it more often feels like the end of the world - at least your world - but surprisingly you find a smile on your face again and a laugh showing up as well.

    I look forward to those days for you. Once we heal we often find that we have learned more with open eyes and cracked heart than if we had sailed through it as if on a dream ship.

    You're strong - very strong. You will survive and conquer. Promise.

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  3. Hello Triple F. it's good to see your screenname, although I'm so sorry your heart is bruised. I said this to you (more or less) over on my blog, but I really wanted to make sure you saw this, and am going to risk being redundant (and repetitious) -- please try not to take your daughter's decision to heart.

    It's one of those things that impacts you, and feeling it is completely natural, but it isn't about you...which can be a difficult distinction to make. She's eighteen, it's a terribly self-centered age (remember it? I do...gads...I viewed the world through a very narrow scope...with little thought for others...and I know that wasn't unique).

    I'm just saying, as much as this impacts you, she made her decision based solely on her wants and needs...which at eighteen add up solely to : What makes me, and me alone happiest? An easier life.

    And that's about as far as her thought process would go. It's a very natural thing, by the way. Late teens can't be judged by adult standards because, quite literally, they don't have adult brains yet...and being self-centered is just a part of natural development.

    I just wanted to get that out to you because I know you're heartsore, but honest to goodness, it isn't about you...not for her, if you see what I'm saying.

    I just wanted you to know that the reason she likely chose to stay with dad is that he ISN'T the better parent. He won't nag her to do her homework, eat properly, pick up her room, report where she is, etc etc.

    (Gads, I hope I've got the gender right on the child, but it would apply to either).

    She would have chosen to stay with him because he's more lax, and that's all. Please understand that.

    In other news, you will be loved, and are loved. I hope again that this is something that is okay to say...I'm just going to go for it and hope...

    A while back I had a post about my husband, and our anniversary. Now my husband and I are a happy sort of couple (and I fully own that things can change over the course of time, but from this moment in time, we're a well-suited, happy couple)...and you said that you were the only one in your household who acknowledged your wedding anniversary. At the time I thought, "Oh my God, that's a bunch of bullshit! She deserves so much better than that!"

    And really, you do. As much as this dings your heart, and bruises your feelings, truly....you're a loving person, with a good heart, and you deserve better. Maybe your husband will grow to understand that, and you two will mend things...or maybe you'll realize what you do deserve, and find it elsewhere, or simply with yourself.

    You deserve to be treated as an important, valuable gift within a life, and if your husband wasn't doing that...as much as it stings now...you're best shut of him.

    Love yourself enough to understand how worthy of actual, real, nurturing love and appreciation you are.

    You're a lovely, funny, kind person..and you will be loved ...properly when your heart has healed.

    Big hugs,

    Alane

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  4. Alane has said it all, perfectly, and easier for you to believe that is true than when I say it, because you will believe I say it just to make you feel better. You DESERVE better. And gradually, after the numbness and then the anger lessens you will realise it is so. We are all here to catch you. Eat, sleep and breathe, my daughter...hold you head high-you are not at fault. Your children love you.

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  5. Wow....that says so much...it is beautiful even though so painful. Thinking of you. I sent you a sunshine award which I doubt you can even face at the moment but I wanted you to know I was thinking of you and all the others hurting at the moment. Take care. xx

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  6. My heart goes out to you. Be brave. Things will get better.

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  8. Come on Girl steel your back,you are worth more than this man could give.Toss you hair and colour it redder.
    Paint your soul determined and smile, this is an opportunity to be ,to do ,to live
    Stand tall and scream at the wind , then go do

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  9. You are loved, will be loved again. And needed too.

    Your poem brought tears, is this how love is destined to turn out? So familiar, all of it.

    Take heart, take care, hugs Sx

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  10. I second your mum.
    And I am convinced after all is over, you will look back and say what a gift, this new freedom to pursue true happiness.

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  11. oh dear saz, how common is this story? i'm so sorry.

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  12. ok, now that I have looked back into your pasted blogs, I understand.

    I'm sorry for what you are going through. I have definitely be where you are before.

    A new beginning is awesome. Once you get into your new place and get everything set up, your first night's sleep will be so awesome. That heavey burden will begin to lift from your shoulders and expose you to a whole new world.

    When I went through mine, I had four very young children in tow. Did not know what I was going to do. It was both scary and relieving.

    Even looking back today, I know I did the right thing. I have had my struggles with four children. They are four beautiful young adults today. We talk about everything.

    Life is a huge learning process. We never stop learning. It is full of transitions. There is nothing "wrong" with you. You hare growing and you deserve better.

    Do what works for YOU. That is very important.

    Much love,

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  13. Dear Saz, I am so sorry to read this, but also overwhelmed with the truth in your words, because that is the way it goes. I haven't been here very often in the last three or four months, so I completely missed out on the happenings to my dear bloggy friends. You have my sympathy and virtual hugs - I really appreciate your writing and the insights you afford us all. I will be back and I wish you all the best as you adapt to a new rhythm XXX

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  14. I hope you are better soon...

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  15. Saz, I am catching up. Oh, friend. Heart sending out to you from across continents.....many unspoken words here in this little box.

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Thanks for stopping by!

Take the weight of your feet, draw up a chair and pour yourself a cuppa. Leave your troubles at the door and together we shall ride out the storms.
I will walk a while in your shoes...

Saz x