Monday, 27 December 2010

thwarted

there are so many silences..

all are a deafness
that defies all words,

moments chosen,
friendships thwarted,
a need to control
the unknown

I chose silence,
but the white noise
resents my reasoning,

fear and self loathing
take over the lease,
as we run from our shadows
and cleave pathways
in the wilderness,
hacking away at distrust
that is only mine,

fear must be owned
l can do that
but will I
trust me again

will you

Thursday, 23 December 2010

to my friends,

family and colleagues,
just because ....



thanks x

Sunday, 19 December 2010

stooping

It twists,
and curls
its tendrils
rising high above me

Bewitched,
I glance at the almost full moon
clear and luminous
its glow reflected into my eyes
feeding me
and upon the snow lined path
before me

A hanging fog
like the shawl around me,
a translucent flourish
of paisley coil,
a wisp that disappears in seconds

I exhale and momentarily
it's in sight again
only to vanish as I reach out
elusive in the dark

It leaves its odour on my flesh,
I feel and smell it close,
taste it,
lick and bite my lips
tantalising and teasing,

I inhale to catch the magic
deep within my creases
my heart pounds
as it burns way down,
my throat aches
am light of head

Moments stolen upon my stoop
a pack of lies in my pocket

Sara

Friday, 17 December 2010

Hanging in here..


l am giver, never a leaver
I am sister, never a sibling
I am leader, rarely a follower

l am keeper, never a deserter
I am teacher, never a preacher
I am listener, always a shoulder

l am worker, never a shirker
I am stayer, never a faker
I am sayer, always a friend

I am sinner, sometimes a player
I am hoper, never a runner
I am singer, always a song


I am a believer, never a no hoper
I am lover, never a hater
I am woman, always a warrior

Sara x

James Taylor - Wichita Lineman - Grammy Nominated

' ... and I need you more than want you..', gets me every time and catches in my throat

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Sublime Shakey

SONNET 20

A woman's face with Nature's own hand painted
Hast thou, the master-mistress of my passion;
A woman's gentle heart, but not acquainted
With shifting change, as is false women's fashion;
An eye more bright than theirs, less false in rolling,
Gilding the object whereupon it gazeth;
A man in hue, all 'hues' in his controlling,
Much steals men's eyes and women's souls amazeth.
And for a woman wert thou first created;
Till Nature, as she wrought thee, fell a-doting,
And by addition me of thee defeated,
By adding one thing to my purpose nothing.
But since she prick'd thee out for women's pleasure,
Mine be thy love and thy love's use their treasure.

Rufus Wainwright

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Taking a break...



A train with a view

lucky capture
stone wall
in winter

Ribblehead Viaduct ? I believe

at Moannie's
my old new best friend, Milou

dog walking every afternoon

blows away
any cobwebs

revisiting old haunts
realigning memories
and misspent deeds

Reculver Towers
Minnis Bay & Margate
in the walkable distance

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Down time ... Postponed - Revisited?

To avoid profound and expensive repairs to this blogger, it has been deemed necessary to close down at regular intervals. I have decided to adopt a planned approach to these periodical rest days. Most necessary to sustain and replenish, and hopefully involve much body tune ups in a prostrate position, supine and floating in a bath of gin. A handsome infertile flexible male to peel me grapes and feed my whims. 




So for the nest few days, I shall be unavailable due to routine maintenance. To keep this blogger running smoothly,it may be prudent to install flash players, oh yeah baby!


In other words - l'm driving letting the train take the strain down to the parents, Moannie and JP for some tlc. Which will no doubt include the prostrate position on couch, watching with mother; Milou on hand to pet; some deep meaningful lunches with a strong Latin edge; much rolling of eyes and side aching laughter. 


Back next week.


At the time of writing this post I was good to go.... then a glitch and a postponement until December. Disappointing but...


Life's like that.


It's December and it's still snowing, melting, refreezing and snowing again..n subject to the trains, l shall be at Moannie's Wednesday evening...


Carlisle .-15' coldest place in England this morning
Kent?...will report in words and pics over the coming days....


Saz x

Sunday, 5 December 2010

a new way

the rains subside
resentment washes into the gutters
and the watchman unseen
cold under the street light
onside

the snows came
and chilled my blazing heart
burning my lungs
threatening to crush
leaving hard choices

much love, empathy and words 
shored up my hunger
three women in defiance
led me through the listening gate
and I emerge strengthened

for me it is now done
the shame of having lost myself
within a fog of dull, empty expectations

my truth revealed one more
l can forgive and leave its smell
upon those that did not see me
did not care to see

a gate unlatched by unwitting hands
he left me open and wanting
the sap rises
daily shedding a layer
until l could ache no longer
the watchman showed me the way

harvesting a cleansing flame
licking the shames and secrets
into the fire
leaving my sallow skin ashen and dry

my hopes, our failures
discarded without reference
no longer enabling or colluding, 
defiant l rise
to capture the moments that are only mine

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Some christmas spirit

Christmas is forcing itself upon Carlisle

I helped run a stall/shed/shack/shop thingy in the town centre over the weekend

freeZINg weather, snow and no chill factor thank god
it was a pr event for the Museum

and we had some fun and kept warmer than expected

I tried to capture our surroundings








Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Someone to watch over me

last night he watched over me
he sang me a lullaby
his words broke me and rung me gently out
I dreamt he soothed and caressed me
with his whispers

the high winds of night swept me up
the watchman threw me a lifeline
sweet but firm
he led me to the light
sage, wise words, guiding me

approaching the witching hour
the demon alive in my heart and mind
exorcised 
for one night only
nightmares banished
falling into heaviness, l slept

gently nudged awake by the song of the albatross
my thoughts ran to the dream
the watchman, now a world away
left me comforted

still alive and in one piece
I turned in my warm blanket
... a note left by the bed side

Sara

Monday, 15 November 2010

a fine line....

l am without words ...


l am hiding under my rock..

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

The View from this End..







Well, oh my Mother!

After nearly a month of  long distance phone calls,
sweat and toil, a trillion emails, messages to the non-people of the elusive and seemingly not contactable Google and Blogger...

We have had a result amid the reassurances, that Mum's Blog Name 'The View from this End' and address have been returned to her undressed in terms of her posts, but nevertheless is her natural home.

I think this has brought it shockingly clear to her, that she has blog land in her heart as well as mind amid the doubts and in the times, days, moments when she is frozen without a fresh post in her head.

She now knows without a doubt that she is truly entrenched and in love with blog land, with all their friends she has made within, and to their words which resonate and fill her...

l don't think she will be thinking of leaving here ever again.
A Pyramid of Piffle

Welcome home Mum!!

luv Saz x

p.s. if she is in your side bar, reader or dashboard list, she should reappear as she posts, but you willl have to follow her again....

Saturday, 30 October 2010

A Fair Vintage..

This morning I visited the first  'Nostalgia meets Design '
event held at Rheged Visitor Centre near Penrith

I have been swithering about having a stall there myself
but thought it best  to see for myself how well attended 
and what sort of mix of goods were available
(all images enlarge with one click)


an early 1960s Airtsream trailer in the parking lot set the tone


The venue offered a stylish and eclectic selection of vintage fashion, jewellery, accessories,


clothing, homewares and textiles and reconstructed crafts....


wonderful eclectic mix of home wares & kitchenelia


from  Fiona Cox assorted Vanity, textiles and linens


a stall of hats in homage to bygone days


 assortedhouse  items from vintage fabrics and textiles


  bespoke cake maker with a cake fashioned on my good self
feet up, cake, voluptuous and bag at the ready for all eventualites!

 friend and fellow vintage trader Fran Boyd, who runs Goodbye Norma Jean,
she now offers a pop up vintage shop with cupcakes and chat in your own home

 Kendal's own Revival vintage shop
deep in the Lake District

a nice change for a Saturday morning..




Wednesday, 27 October 2010

abc Wednesday O is for....

Opulance


During my summer break
my friend and I
visited The Bowes Museum
in the market town of Barnard Castle















Fleur de Lys garden

John and Joséphine Bowes founded The Bowes Museum. John, the son of the 10th Earl of Strathmore, was born in Teesdale in 1811. His mother was a commoner, Mary Millner, who lived with the Earl to all intents as his wife for many years. The Earl married her just 16 hours before his death in an attempt to save his son’s succession. Two very long court cases ensued, finally settling the Durham estates on John, but not recognising him as the legitimate heir to the Strathmore title.
John was educated at Eton and became a very successful business man who invested heavily in the coal reserves on his land and bred four Derby winners. From 1847 he spent his time between France and England.
Joséphine Bowes was born in 1825. She was an actress in the Théatre des Variétés, Paris, which John Bowes owned. She shared John’s love of the arts and they married in 1852.



Saturday, 23 October 2010

it's the little things...

Why oh why do kids not clear up after themselves? It's every generations headache and an old, old chestnut l know.

It's usually me who gives in and just takes dishes through to the kitchen. Today l cleared 5 glasses, 3 plates and 6 mugs from my son's den.

In the living room a plate with the remnants of a kebab lurked pungently, but l left it there until he popped home from school for lunch.

He ate a plate of noodles and l asked him to clear both plates when he was done. He didn't. Soy sauce swallowed the room.

Later as l collected the evidence together and began to walk to the kitchen, l turned and went into his bedroom and placed them upon his bed. I closed the door behind me for maximum effect.

When he returned from school he paused in his room, looking, figuring it all out. I lurked in the hall, he said loudly,

'Do you think l don't get this is a ploy on your part?'

Me, 'That may well be the case,'

Son, 'Well for that l will leave them, not playing these games.'

Me- appearing disappointed, but secretly knowing, with a touch of blag for good measure,
' Ok, fair enough, thought it would be a funny thing to do, don't get het up.'

I walked down the hall to the kitchen, smiling to myself.

Two hours later, he appeared in the kitchen, plates in hand, trying so hard not to smile, ' Don't gloat,' he said, dimples threatening.

Job done. I'll wait and see if this light-hearted episode will stay with him. There will be bigger and more  important battles. I know.

Sunday, 17 October 2010

be warned...

...so as not to offend, for those of you with a sensitive disposition it may be better if you do not press play.....

I have found my theme tune 2010 over at Familyaffairs ! This makes me laugh, dance and sing....breathe it in girls!!! I love it!

Thursday, 14 October 2010

A few Doddy moments

French Fancy in Kent asked in her last post ..'what can you think of that has recently made you happy'

l'm assuming she is using the word happy loosely, as I find contentment is more manageable and satisfying. Happiness, like joy for me isn't a state of mind, it doesn't stay with you. it is fleeting. Contentment is achievable and l align myself to it. l am smug enough and able enough to try and and hope, to sustain it.

Joy is but of moments.

So l have spent odd moments today thinking ..'what can I think of that has recently made me happy'..

here are my Doddy moments.... get it? Ken Dodd - 'Happiness, happiness'
  • I finished reading a second book this week
  • The sun shone deep into my face
  • I have been home alone and content with it
  • I have made some exciting plans for next year
  • I wrote a letter of objection to my son's school this week and they made an about face within 24 hours! 
  • I laughed with friends
  • I knitted all evening without objections 
  • I had a duvet day and found I liked it....a lot, even though I was ill!
  • I heard something today, if it is what I think it might be it will make me feel Joy, even Happiness and lots of contentment!
YEAHHHH!!! Your friend and mine- David Authorblog McMahon is in the building...back from his sabbatical. I couldn't be more pleased!!

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Getting stuck in again...

It isn't New Year for sometime, even so I have never been a New Fear developing newyear-itus shortly after Boxing Day. Bah humbug and bad experiences have not enamoured me to the festivities. Although I am hopeful that I may even find myself enjoying the Eve in the future, perhaps in new company or a new space entirely. Who the hell knows!

I have never  been one to make foolhardy, spur of the moment, resolutions or four. The only ones I remember are the oft mentioned, ' I will lose weight' and the  ' I will stop smoking' ones. Funnily I have achieved both, (with the odd relapse) but not because of new year resolutions almost in spite of them!

The reason l mention resolutions is because I don't feel I need a reason, a kick up the backside or anything else for me to make changes. I just know I have to. Over the last few years due to a mix, of menopausal hormones, couch potato-itus and  slothlike bad habits, I mislaid my enthusiasm for almost anything or anyone except my children. I admit it. I became bored with housework. Bored with cooking. Bored with the same old repertoire. Bored with the day to day. I guess those around me did too. Though the kids rarely expressed this so obviously and cruelly as to call my cooking, slop to my face. But that is another story. And thinking ahead when the kids left for Uni or work or whatever I couldn't think of anything to look forward to, I had been there, done it, what else was there. I think I had resolved to just be. That is not enough. Not nearly. No way, no how.

I have started to rekindled my interest in cooking with so many new programmes and books out this time of year. How could l not, it  has helped reignite my gas hob(!) and I hope my enthusiasm for food and eating it is returning.

Many changes have taken place since February and you are probably just as tired of hearing about these as I am! But this is my space and this is one of the places I come back to often. I am able to look backwards over my shoulder, to the months and years l have written here and l know it is helpful to me to read these and reflect on the context of the time. I liken this place to the tv or radio; if you don't like what you are hearing then turn it/me off.

So I have decided to take up my studies again. These I began in 1999 and over the decade I have studied Humantites specialising in Art History with the Open University. I haven't been able to study every year and I had no particular goal other than to lry to learn again , to push myself academically and to try and enjoy the study ethic. I recently realised that I am 3/4 the way to getting a BA Degree. So I signed up for two courses next year with the Open University; Renaissance Rediscovered (Jan '11-Oct '11) and  The Art Residential School (May - Oct '11) with one week at Queen Mary, London University.  I have ordered the required books for preparatory reading, they shall keep me busy over the next couple of months. I hope it all comes back to me. Completing the degree in 2012 is the plan. I then hope to change track a little and study some Psychology courses.

Starting early next year I  have also enrolled on an Italian short course in the evening for a 6 weeks, because l love the sound and taste of the language. Luckily I am comfortable with languages,  I used to be fairly fluent in French and Mexican in my teens. Adding to this is a Silversmithing course and a Cookery weekend. I feel it is important for me to keep busy but not take on too much for fearing of burning out too soon.   I was giving a lot of thought to retraining but at 52 a 5 year learning plan isn't realistic. I hope the Degree may open some doors within the Museum for me, if not it will be a huge achievement and very satisfying.

It's about giving the love back to me.

                                                  Here is some 'slop' I prepared earlier.


           Olives, anchovies, chicken, baby pepperdews, plum tomatoes and  ...
after baking for 1.5 hours. Deee-lish!


Thursday, 7 October 2010

Moannie loses it!

As some of you have already noticed Moannie's blog has been removed!
But do not panic Cptn. Mannering! I am hopeful all will be restored in due time.
No doubt she will recount her debacle to you in her own inimitable fashion, but to summarise - she called me all clammy and distressed after having fiddled with the new layout options and found she wasn't able to upload an image. In her frustration she thought it would be a good idea to try Picassa and then it all went badly wrong. She deleted her all new Picassa account, her google id and seemingly her blog.

I have Google and Gatsby at Blogger looking into it. Worse scenario is she may have to start over, I see her blog is still cached so we can save some of her posts.

She misses you and wants you to know she will be back soon, one way or another!

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

I am in bed with...




Jeremy Vine. Yes l am!

He is on the radio beside me, a pile of magazines and knitting on the other side.
Phone and laptop on the tray over my legs.

After a night of coughing and pacing on the carpet tiles,
I managed to fall asleep, when one nostril allowed some air through,
and I slept into the heart of late morning.

I have a chesty cold. Not the flu.  I've had both and I  know the difference. I was sent home from work yesterday to take care of myself. I am under the duvet.

I shall shortly get up and shower ...but then l think why?
Why should l? Do l need to? Nothing really needs doing, cleaning, tidying.

I find lately l am thinking more about myself. My well being. It hasn't really ever been at the forefront of mind. Big mistake.
It seems l no longer concern myself with the storm of guilt. It's just not heading my way any more. I have been freed.
Then I think, should make the effort. There are expectations of me, wife, mother, work colleague. I forget momentarily. Old habits. But no, there isn't any expectation, if there ever was. That has been in my head, riding my thoughts. Whether by my own expectations of what should be, would be, could be ... or by the looks, sighs and pointed words, it concerned me.
Played with my head.

I am done with all that.

Staying in bed for one day will not affect the well being of my son. He is visiting his father this evening, he will be fed (kind of) and he may have to get the bus if l don't take him. No big deal.

My friends, parents, children and others have all helped me regain lost confidence. Letting me be. Letting me moan and groan. Talk and talk and talk.
I have found a deeper, inner strength
I am becoming myself again

I can choose to stay in bed.... so sod it l will stay in bed a bit longer, and l feel so much better for it already.
Today I not only breathe  clearer. I CAN breathe!










...and if you need cheering up cos you are in bed too..how about this for a bit of perspective....

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

...and counting



Historically I have always been tall and slender, even skinny after having children in my mid to late 30's I gradually gained weight. Eating for comfort is a western symptom of unhappiness, the one pool into which I dived headlong and remained underwater for the past decade.

During THAT week  in February this year I lost one stone, then over the last few months another stone silently dropped off and stayed off.

Although I have recently been eating a healthy meal each day, I have not had a suitable breakfast or lunch. Of course though sufficiently nourishing, this will make me sluggish, as my metabolism will not be functioning properly. So I have enrolled on a healthy eating plan to train my self back into proper eating habits and it helps for me to have this structured guide. I am now eating better, more regularly and l have lost another 5lbs in two weeks. A total of 33lbs. A bit more cycling and I may have this cracked. Though l wouldn't recommend the kick start I had 7 months ago. I'm certainly coming out a healthier, happier and better person for it on several levels.

Khloe Kourtney KIm kardashian beach bunny swimwear

Just teasing, I do not look like these gorgeous babes
but l often feel like......

THIS!!!
                                            

Sunday, 19 September 2010

Wot price independence



What is a girl to do?

I have been pondering over the value of keeping my car, the costs of running it, compounded with fixing it when it gets ill, can be overwhelming. But this would mean l would rattle around town like a bag lady, weighed down by my wares and my woes. I could let the train take the strain on visits to Kent and on days out etc, no worries there, time to read, listen and think. But then l wouldn't be able to run Mum around and visit friends without planning the trip to the enth degree, which takes the fun and enjoyment out of it.

I do value my new found singledom independence greatly. I am my own woman. Mine own. The car allows me choices in the moment and adds to a feeling of control. Control. Yeah l like that. Mine own.

A few months ago whilst driving in town, the gear stick went limp in my hand (steady), then fell horizontally to the carpet. I felt the anger of the clutch and drove Miss Daisy style, in the one gear l could find to the dealership. My frustration was palpable as indeed was my upset. He must have remembered me, I was quoted £195 to fix it, I had no choice as the car would not move one further inch. Then the service guy told me he could do it for £75. I was so grateful (not too grateful) and paid up feeling so relieved.

So now, the car had a service in July. I was told by the same guy that at 8 years old or 75K miles, the car would need a cam belt fitted? wtf is that! £395 all in. As the look of terror froze on my face and a teardrop escaped he tapped his keyboard and turned the monitor to show me he had revised the cost of £195  for 4 hours workbecause he said, ' The car is 8 years old and you are a regular customer, but if the belt goes you will be introuble so dont leave it too long'. He also told me it wouldn't need doing for a couple of months, so l went away concoting my plan of action to get this fitted soon.

This week I was chatting with some male colleagues about cars, mechanics etc ....as one does! They thought I was may have been taken advantage of and they recommended another garage. Larry was never a handy DIY, savvy type around the home, garden or car so I thought I was continuing in the best vein. If you want a job done do it yourself Saz. Me. Myself. I.  I can do this, that and the other.

Plus ça change (plus c'est la même chose).
saying ,
The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Used when a change does not result in an improvement in a situation

I phoned the recommended garage, spoke of  what needed doing to the car and guess what! It is only a 2 hour job max, cam belt deosn't need changing until 10 years or 85K miles. They told me not to bother!
So I will keep the car, maintain it and move my custom to the other garage.

Now l can stop worrying! Well... that is the theory!


Sara

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

A Communion

As the stars, sun and moon keep balance with each other, I too feel blanketed in the synergy here that shines its light through this place of writing.

Often times posts appear on the same or similar subject. It constantly amazes me how this happens within this vast land of united creativity.
In my imagination I see us all as a force of fertile overlapping circles. Bridging the gap. A balance between imagination & frustration.
We are in the same space, different place.
Different stories, same tune.
Like minded exchanges. Some challenging thoughts, views to stimulate thought.

Each story, each journey miles apart, but here we confess, unburden, fess up, confide, enlighten, encourage, incite, evoke every emotion.
Friendships made. Stories written. Hands reach out.
Holding on. Breathing deep. A lifeline for some.
A light for the night time. A few words for the day ahead.
Alone, but not lonely.
Though for some, the fear is always in residence,
punching through the darkness,
bravely we walk, hesitant to run.
Hope is always in my pocket,
I can feel it's shape comforting me through the fabric
that is straining with each beat of its heart
and I remember..
hope is stronger than the fear...
the life blood, we cannot live without.
Less restrained. Unburdened. Here we dare to hope. To speak. To write. To breathe deeply within the comfort of friends.