Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Loneliness...


is next to god awfulness.

l enjoyed my London trip on so many levels. Though particularly because I had time to suit myself, time away from pressure of work, time away from the kids, all types of timetables. Time away from decision making, which I abhor with a passion!

Sometimes, though thankfully not often when l am alone. Sitting in a coffee shop. Or in line in the bank or supermarket. Waiting in the car in line for the car park. Usually alone waiting. I get the heebee jeebee's. In plain speak a panic or anxiety attack. It comes in the form of a butterfly fluttering in my chest, a screaming in my head. Silent screaming. But I feel the noise. White noise. That drives darkness through the day like a knife through butter. It lasts but a few moments, but a dry fear stays a while. Remaining hidden amongst the layers of feelings and experiences we call life.

Whilst walking alone through the streets of London, it lurked. Unacknowledged. Invisible. Whilst feeling the beat of the city's heart. I walked. Talked less. Even to myself. Thought. Wondered. Wandered and became myself again. The me that is my core. The child. The woman. Mother and wife by happenstance or a mild determination. Fate. Perhaps the person I will be in my last heart beat. My last breath. She walked beside me in the darkness. She stirred and I quietly remembered.

Later I was gently gripped by the hand. And suddenly disconcerted by my surroundings. The naked room in which l slept. Two nights. A rectangular room. High ceilings. Magnolia walls. A single bed. Crisp white sheets. One blanket. One bedside table. Light overhead flush in the ceiling. One small dining table. One dining chair. One wardrobe. Dark wood. One occasional chair. One sink mirror. Clean. Crisp. Basic. Raw. Functional. Somewhere to put my toothbrush. Lay my head.

The nakedness of the room. Cell like. Was sad and lonely. Pungent with fear. Evoking memories of a time of solitary living. For me a great hollow. A nothingness. That nothingness slowly crept its way up into me. Foreboding soaked its way through my skin. Leaving a damp patch of lonely. A bruise from days gone by. A gentle reminder of how it felt. Isolated by circumstances. Utterly alone. Christmas and New Year came and went. Unprepared I chipped away at the ice box for remnants. Sleeping to escape the clock. Cocooned in lonesomeness.

Nowadays I can yearn for alone time. Very different from lonely time.

41 comments:

  1. Beautiful. Profound. You captured those moments when we face our anxieties, our deep fears. Being alone does that, strip us naked. We need others to help us navigate life, to keep us whole and connected. But, we know also those other moments.

    I felt your words deeply. Thanks for broaching such a subject with clarity and earnestness.

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  2. Very beautiful, very poignant, Saz... I hope you no longer feel lonely, my petal. I very occasionally get the panic attacks too - V. debilitating... http://holisticonline.com/Yoga/hol_yoga_breathing-ex-nadisodh.htm This has helped me... Easy to do, anywhere. xxxxoxxxx

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  3. Exquisitely written Saz.....

    I hope you are now comfortably back in the bosom and warmth of your home.....

    From experience I will say, that you don't have to be alone to feel lonely......the is never a more terrible loneliness than feeling alone where you should feel at home...

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  4. What a beautiful way of putting it....I have been very lonely recently and I am still aware of those feelings and thinking about it makes me breathless with panic. X

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  5. There have been times when I've felt more lonely in the midst of others than when I'm alone.

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  6. incredibly different and very well delineated.

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  7. Beautifully written. You expressed that feeling so perfectly. My heartbeat quickened while reading.

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  8. Oh Saz...you made me hold my breath. You described loneliness in a way I could never manage. You made that feeling, which I get so often, absolutely real.
    You write beautifully.

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  9. Incredable writing - you were able to voice that feeling of panic that often accompanies lonliness. So glad you get to pick your times to be along now.

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  10. Geeze - "incredible" writing - laptop typing is hard on spelling...

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  11. Your decription of loneliness is chillingly accurate - it leaves no doubt that you've been there many times before...and that you've dug yourself out.
    Beautiful post. Here's to a less lonely new year!

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  12. That was a great post, Saz. I can identify with some of those feelings that I too had recently.
    So glad things are different for you now.

    Nuts in May

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  13. You made my heart cry, Sara Ann. We are Islands, aren't we?'

    Beautifully written. XXX

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  14. London is rich for attractions, i also shared my London trip on my "London Bridge is Falling down" post
    10 days ago...
    Loved it very much!


    http://www.jingleyanqiu.wordpress.com
    just in case you wonder where I live.

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  15. I am not sure if I am glad such writing is inspired by fear .. its so beautifully writ ..

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  16. Beautifully put. I often long for alone time; like I had before daughter was born, but I never want to be permanently alone. Imagine always having to make your own cups of tea. Something as simple as that can typify the loneliness of being alone.

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  17. Saz,

    Well, others have already said it...This is absolutely beautiful...and haunting, I might add...each line is so rich, so full...and I find myself wanting to read it again and again...to fully absorb each line in all its poignancy and heartbreak...yet, it ends in hope...and I am left sitting in tranquil solitude...thankful for alone not lonely moments...stunning, superb and uniquely Saz!!! As always!!! Love you, Janine XO

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  18. The purpose of good writing is to create a bond with and in the reader, and this isn't just good, it's great!
    Thank you for sharing your insights.
    I hope you have a happy new year!
    All the best, Canadian Chickadee

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  19. I have to agree with Leslie, as a widow the times I feel most alone are family gatherings, surrounded by people.
    On another level though -
    "crisp sheets and ONE blanket" -
    in DECEMBER?!!!!
    how did you keep warm??? lol

    Ellie

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  20. Lovely bit of writing, though I feel for your fear. We all have something, don't we? Mine is a fear of open heights. Yours is loneliness. Others have their own.

    Here's the trick for yours - we're all here, all the time, so just think of us or come visit us. Presto! No loneliness!

    Happy New Year!

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  21. Writer extraordinaire. I shivered! I felt your anxiety, loneliness - saw you cocoon into forgetting...

    I personally yearn those rooms you described...I am a loner at heart, a happy one ;-)

    I wish you a wonderful 2010!

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  22. "Nowadays I can yearn for alone time. Very different from lonely time."

    I agree with Hillary - my anxiety grew as I read. Very powerful. And this ending line. Perfect. Such a difference between the two. Thanks for putting that down for now I see the difference also.

    Enjoy the Blue Moon tonight!

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  23. Hello triple F, first off a very Happy New Year's to you. May the coming year bring you many reasons to celebrate.

    What a thought provoking post. I am a person who craves "alone time" or as I tell my husband, "I am a self-entertaining unit" (and fortunately for us, he also loves to do many solitary things).

    I start to chomp at the bit if I don't get enough time alone, and I like a lot of it. I spent a great deal of time alone as a child, and my mental well-being, while not entirely dependent upon it, is given a boost when I have the peace of being by myself for hours at a time.

    But that isn't the same as feeling lonely, at all. Your post evoked emotional truth, and empathy. We've all felt that pang of loneliness, even those of us that love to be alone.

    It can be frightening and isolating, but the antidote feels so wonderful, it is almost worth the disease. That moment when we see someone who is a close friend, or loved one, and that feeling of being so pleased to see them. At least loneliness has a bit of a purpose, it helps us appreciate one another.

    May 2010 bring you many forms of the good kind of loneliness; the sort that is quickly alleviated by another welcome soul.

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  24. Very sensitive. Hope the new year treats you well.

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  25. Beautiful post, nice reading.
    I wish you and your loved ones much happiness and peace in the New Year.
    I came to see the icons written by you but there is no way to find it.
    Happy New Year!

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  26. Happy New Year Saz! I'm with you in this post. I used to long for contact and now I long for solitude. Then when I get it I feel incomplete, hmmm.....

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  27. I love the way you have written this. How long did you live alone? I can understand, having been there once, how one would not want to return there.

    Strange how sometimes being alone is longed for and at other times it is the worst thing in the world, and that time moves at a different pace in each cercumstance.

    Hugs

    Sx

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  28. That was lovely - happy new year to you and your family Lx

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  29. It's not fun to feel lonely. When I'm feeling down, my friend Jose Cuervo cheers me up. I'm now one of your followers. Stop by my place for a change of pace & a Margarita.
    http://www.boomerpie.com/

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  30. There's a world and an abyss between being alone and being lonely - you described it so very poignantly. One can be quite lonely, even in company.

    May you never have to suffer true loneliness again,
    Happy New Year!

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  31. Dearest, dearest Sara...
    Have I told you lately that you are simply the BEST??? No...Well, I SHOULD!!!! I'll yell it from the rooftop: SAZ IS SIMPLY FAB!!!!!!!!!! I love you so much!! Janine XOXOXO

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  32. Loneliness and solitude. Two totally different beasties.

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  33. Beautifully written. We can be alone when surrounded by people.

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  34. You nailed it! I've traveled alone and slept in sad old hotel rooms and it wasn't always fun. I've also traveled with a partner, wishing I was alone! LOL I do not think there is any escaping loneliness at some point in our lives. It's getting over the hump that is important. Sometimes we need a nudge or two or three.

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  35. Happy New Year to you.

    I am talking about Carlisle today in my post.

    Gill in Canada

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  36. Wow Saz. A haunting post...straight from the heart. 'Aloneness' is something we all need to know how to do....and do well. Whenever we need it. xoxoxox

    Carol

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  37. Alone time is so very different from lonliness, yes. This is so beautifully penned, you are a gifted writer Saz, and so searingly honest.

    With a husband and four teenagers living under the same roof, there are times I can feel every one of them are continuously demanding a huge piece of me - I so value time to be on my own. That said, we are pack animals, we need the comfort of belonging to our own loving group, no one can survive solitary confinment for long.

    A though provoking post (smile).

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  38. My! Been there, done that! Too often, we are caught up in the daily routine of having to make decisions constantly. I hate it! I wonder if we had enough "alone" time, would one feel such anxieties. I think ones brain, body and spirit becomes so worn from day to day decisions, it literally causes anxiety.

    Perhaps I am wrong. I do hope you are feeling better my dear.

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  39. i was parted from my boys when i went on a training course recently; i haven't been apart from my son since he was born so it was hard. i can relate very much to what you write - i am not good alone.

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Thanks for stopping by!

Take the weight of your feet, draw up a chair and pour yourself a cuppa. Leave your troubles at the door and together we shall ride out the storms.
I will walk a while in your shoes...

Saz x