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To be honest...

...over the summer I felt the heaviness from the shadows that hover behind, they tell the me within, that my old foe is furtively watching. I should know better, here is the signal whereby I should let myself relax out of hours and allow Larry and others to help me out. But admitting to my frailties only feeds the angst and guilt that I am not wonderwife and instead wimpywife. Yes! I know this is silly, an untruth, but this is what the menopausal head screams.

I fill myself up with errands, small projects and I tend never to say No! to anything. This only becomes a problem when it mounts up and then I find it more difficult than usual to juggle it all.

I have taken on 3 book reviews for a readers' magazine. I am also on the panel reading 6 books on the long list for a National Book Award. I have just started a computer course for work at college, 3 hours a week for 32 weeks, which all seem to fall on my days off, resulting in more juggling and stressing. I recently decided to not stop my online business, but to relaunch it with all new stock. My choice I know, but I do enjoy it so. Then I was approached last month by a feature editor to be the contributor for fashion feature for the Christmas edition. How can l say No? Hours of pressing and sewing and getting the clothing accessorized. I am enjoying it. But it doesn't all fit in my cup. It doesn't just overflow its a bloody Tsunami and it's all in my head. Hence a minor series of panic attacks. Brain freeze. Coping with the daily routine is getting on my wick. At work I am distracted by focusing on the one job. But at home, I begin to show the cracks. To cook, to clean. Chores indeed. The shine has worn off the new home. The kids seem to avoid me at all costs. They must know instinctively Mum's having a mental! I've taken to going to bed early. I waken, thinking, Can I stay here please?

I know what to do. So I make a list of all the things I am currently doing. I cull the list. Leaving what will give me most pleasure. And which will be the easiest and less stressful to manage. I divide them up into bite size chunks. The Do-able. And the not do-able. Put aside for later. Or never. My mind is less cluttered. A path is clear.

I have this space where I can go now. Here. I can write my thoughts and publish. Or not! I can return and read my mess. To share or not to share. Is this depression or just menopausal madness?

Two days later... I have an appointment with my doctor fixed. Just to check up. Today was photo-shoot day. It began with NeRvEs. But I knew everything was ready. Then all hell broke loose, one hour early they phoned, they are on their way. They arrived. One journo, one photographer, two teen models, two hairdressers, one make-up artist and one stylist. Thankfully my pal Carlotta arrived with milk and a smile. She shored me up, 'It's okay you CAN do this,' she said. 'Feeling crappy or not. This is something positive, for you.' We were both dressed in our vintage finery, and fixed, fitted and flattered. No one took our picture. We made tea, made smiles and made happy. The sofa was in the garden for time, a model in 50's green satin stood pretty amongst four toning green conifers. They primped, preened and posed in a cocktail bar, a Chinese garden and a motorway flyover! wtf?? One model in a bronze metallic creation, wore her Uggs while her hair was teased up high, out came the Dyson and this image the photographer thought was edgy, so this may end up on the editing floor or in the magazine. (Will post images as soon as I get them end of November-ish).
They arrived at 10am and left and 6.45pm.

I feel quite tired, chilled and unfazed. Or is this the one glass of ice cold rose wine I just sunk?
All will be well. I know this to be true.
As the man said. Hold on.*

*James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

Comments

  1. I'm tired just reading your short list. You are a normal over-reacher and over-pleaser. It happens that most women tend to be this way; we LOVE to be useful and never say no if we can help it. So, enjoy this time; heck, you're not just a mom, you know. Let others cut down their obligations; you can do everything.

    Remember though that stress causes chemical imbalance and reduces our ability to heal. Stress is our enemy.

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  2. And I complain about my tiny in comparison work.
    You are an army!

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  3. I'm sure it is depression...but that's nothing to feel depressed about really! You recognise your own signals and you deal with it in the way that suits you. As a long time sufferer myself, I have also learned to handle it in a very similar way to you...ie I make my lists and cross off those things that are just not important in the wider scheme of things.

    You are coping wonderfully with what appears to be a very hectic life...and enjoying the best parts of it...that's half the battle!

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  4. My GOSH, woman! Anyone would be exhausted at what you have listed. No madness nor depression here, I conclude. Juts too many things...I relate to the shine off the new house too. Balance is not EVEN possible, but sanity is :)!

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  5. Have you thought of trying out for the Olympics? Something along the lines of downhill slalom skiing on skates while playing tennis?
    My money'd be on you!

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  7. Being busy is good, it does help us dispel the other stuff. Don't forget to take care of yourself though.

    Sx

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  8. Sounds just like life to me. Sometimes it gets too much.

    Culling the list is an excellent idea. I think you know the solutions already.

    I'm very excited about the photoshoot. What a shame we have to wait till NOVEMBER for the pics!

    Stay cool Saz. Don't please everyone and make sure you please yourself.

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  9. My brain is in a whirl just reading your post! I cannot even begin to imagine how you must be feeling.
    I wish you strength for all your projects!

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  10. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE?????

    I have known you all your life and you have always been like this, to a lesser extent, and the truth is...that you do not have to prove anything to anybody except yourself, and that is the problem, because you don't seem to realise that you are GREAT just as you are. None of us are perfect by any means, and you never did learn to say no, but you should. Start doing that which pleases you and bugger the rest.

    Writing your lists and culling them is a good idea.
    Dad says- [apart from Work hard and play hard hehe] That it is QUALITY NOT QUANTITY that you should be aiming for.XXXXX

    A very touching post...can't wait to see the pics. No pressure.

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  11. Oh Saz, as a fellow menopausal woman, after doing some very silly muddy things a few months ago, I decided to go on to HRT. Result - I feel better than ever. I know it has its critics but I'd rather miss a meal now than my little Activelle pill

    I hope you get shot of the boring jobs on the to do list and just keep the good stuff

    x

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  12. I ditto Ayak and Moannie. It really does sound like it's your nature. When it came to me spending time with my four kids, when they were very young and I had just become divorced, My aunt would say just that, it's the "quality" not the "quantity" of time.

    I still use a list today. Like you, there's always a lot on my plate. I feel if mom doesn't do it, it won't get done or the house will literally fall apart. I understand, however, this does lead to what is called "situational depression" as opposed to chemical depression in the brain. It is depression caused by circumstances in our lives.

    When you are ready, you will say "no". It's a mind game. Stay focused. You can do it.

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  13. BREATHE! That's my best advice from this side of menopause ... and keep some roasted almonds on/with you .. they help .. honest .. a nutritionist told a friend about them when she was considering not going the HRT way ...

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  14. One highly productive lady - no wonder your arms are waving around fifty to the dozen.

    I don't know how you find the time to do it all - are you twins? Eddie x

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  15. You're doing OK. You're stepping back and reviewing what you can/can't do. You'll be fine, just keep listening to yourself.

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  16. Ah, Saz... The old, old story - We do too much, we wreck ourselves, we feel guilty, we feel secretly pleased at how much we've pulled off, and we sometimes resent others for not recognising how much we have achieved - Listen to Moannie and all the others, especially Lakeviewer - You are a marvel and a wonder all in one - Whatever you do turns to gold, even if you don't always see it... Slap yourself on the back and crack open a muffin, dahlink - Tu es arrivee! Fabuleux! xxooxx Big hugs x

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  17. I'm so happy for you. Success beyond my imaginings. But I do worry, have always worried, that you take on so much. It is not a wonder to me that you feel overwhelmed. You can't begin to imagine what I get overwhelmed with. Just a fraction, Saz. Take care of you.
    xo
    erin

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Thanks for stopping by!

Take the weight of your feet, draw up a chair and pour yourself a cuppa. Leave your troubles at the door and together we shall ride out the storms.
I will walk a while in your shoes...

Saz x

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