Thursday, 15 October 2009

Mine all mine...

I have just arrived home from work and whilst waiting for the kettle to boil I log on to blogger....I check my blog, then check out our Mad Manic Mama's blog and read Expat's Mum's post and then my mind starts a commentary and I have to type it out or lose it.....so please go read her post first then you'll get the gist of mine....

Ahhh, secretly l think they are still ours... that is my big girl and my tall boy. My man child, was (is still) sitting in my brand new (mine) armchair with his feet up on the brand new (mine) pooffe, sorry not very pc, my new er foot chair....and he's not budging....he smiled though, as I walked in the house, and that smile is so wide, so light up the room bright and just pure gold. I get the kettle on and walk over to him, 'Hello, how was your day?' I ask, he grunts... and l lean over him... I do not detect any deep sighing or tutting, I guess he is breathing gently in resignation. He is mine, on my chair, my captive... I lean in. I Breathe so deeply and smell him. Drink him in, my baby boy, l could weep. The essence of the baby l carried, is still there, I shoved a big fat red lipsticked smackarooo on the back of his neck and rubbed the lippy right off... that smell,that touch can sustain me for a week... though I admit not much more, but by then l can sneak another or a hug. And Boy can he hug.

Upstairs, my big girl,18 at Christmas, is lying in bed, feeling sooo tired and a bit head cold-y. And perhaps just a tad sad I reckon, as she failed her test two days ago. I leaned in, I don't care If I catch anything. l'm sure the bloody swine is still alive and well, in this boot fair of a room, a floor full of worn clothing, dirty crockery, unfinished coursework and odd shoes... I ignore the overwhelming urge to moan, fret and complain about it AGAIN. Instead I take advantage of her prostrate state and again I Breathe deeply and my mood and mindset is totally erased... It's no matter we've hardly passed two civil words to each other in a fortnight...my baby girl is feeling unwell...and I love her. She can cuddle for England, swear for France and a few days ago when I told her I loved her and she responded in kind, I was surprised and said, 'Yeah but REALLY? Do you? I would never guess.' she laughed out loud and said 'Of course' It's mandatory I HAVE to, it's my job!' How the tables turn, I said it when she was six and right back at me!

Such are the innate feelings of love between mother and her child! Life without it once you've experienced it. I couldn't imagine otherwise. How do some women, men cope without them in their lives. I know we moan about our teens, hence the MMM blog. But. When we say we would walk through fire for them, it isn't a throw away remark. I wonder how old they'll be before they realise it...

21 comments:

  1. Saz...they realise it when they have their own children. My first grandchild was born this year to my daughter, and after I left them to return home in May she told me that she now "got it". She now realises that all that nagging and concern was because I cared so much.

    I love your post Saz...it brought tears to my eyes because it really hit home how life would be without our children...unbearable!

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  2. They realize the love is there; it's a given, a world they can piss at and still love them back. That's the real thing. Later, as they hold their own child, they'll remember everything you ever said, when you thought they weren't listening. Life has a way of saving the rewards for those dark days ahead when winter begins to knock down our expectations, and the cold wind is intent on whipping us down for good.

    This is a beautiful reminder of Motherhood.

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  3. p.s. do pick up the sisterhood award on my blog. It is for sisters like you, with a shoulder to rest on, and a great big heart to contain the world. Bless you.

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  4. My guy is going through a really hard time with his 19 yr old daughter. Seems she is in the family way.

    Not a good time!

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  5. I've never had the gift of my own children. It's when I read wonderful things like this post of yours that I fully grasp what I have missed out on...not being able to say "mine..."
    (others' yes....but never all mine)

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  6. Having been a child but never a mother I can tell you sometimes it takes too long

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  7. I felt this today. Today they all went and left me "in peace" to revise, and all I could do was cry and worry until I knew they had arrived safely. All four of my precious ones in one car. The 'what ifs' came round me like a cold dark terror and paralysed me. They were only going to Glasgow, not like they were going to war. How do the mothers of soldiers hold it together?
    As they grow older I "get" what my mother went through at each stage. I just fear the worst is yet to come for me, the time they leave, when they call somewhere else 'home'.

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  8. And you know my darling Sazzie, that it doesn't end just because you are adults and married and mother's and can vote and drive and move away, and do a thousand things of which I know nothing. When we meet and I hug you and I smell your neck, you are five years old and your soft curls are golden and your skin smells of summer and Johnson's and I don't rest until you text or call to say you are home.
    The day you were born I wrote a letter to my mother saying; thankyou...now I understand.

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  9. other than wanting grandchildren, i really believe my children will experience how deeply I love them through having their own children. They know I love them immensely, but there is something about being a parent that teaches one about a mother's, I think.

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  10. OK, your post got me, but it was Moanie's comment that brought the tear! In future, FFF, I will write a draft and then you can polish it up a bit because you say it so much better than I do!

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  11. They will realise it when they are mothers and fathers themselves. I love my 2 more each day (and it changes with every moment that they grow,)and always will.

    You have expressed your love for them beautifully, it is definitely in the smell and the touch.

    Thank for a lovely post :)

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  12. lakeviewer, ayak,OMG, possum, Daryl, dottie, Mum, the things we carried,

    you know guys I wrote this and didnt 'get to me', but rereading it and these comments, I got all choked up and teary and I'm at work!!

    Expat mum... don't be silly, you are one of the writers I aspire to ...

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  13. Oh my, this post cut deep! You express it so beautifully. My teen daughter stopped returning my hugs a year or two back - it sliced my heart to ribbons. But once in a while (just recently) she's been letting her cool facade slip..

    They have no idea how they hold our hearts so casually in the palm of their hands!

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  14. I've been through the mill with my two...lovely sweet little girls turned into rebellious teens that finally grew up and acknowledged that Mom did everything she could for "them" and not for herself. One has 2 children now and "gets it" better than the one who doesn't, though. Wonderful post - I could almost smell him too! :D

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  15. It makes my day when I get a hug or Pete comes for a chat with me in my room before he goes to bed- that's when I find out all the news!

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  16. You've hit it right on the mark!!! And so beautifully expressed my feelings!!! As always. Brilliant. Our children are our treasures! Love to you~Janine XO

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  17. It took me many years to realise that my parents mean it. I'm rather glad that I did, but equally sorry that it took so long.

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  18. they need to be old enough to have someone who they would walk through fire for. that's my conclusion.

    so glad they let you get the hugs though.

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  19. It's not easy being a teen, I remember being one and giving my mum hell. But she still loved me, just as much as when I loved her back.

    CJ xx

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  20. Your blog almost moved me to tears which was a bit tricky as I am in the office! So heartfelt and so true.
    I might not have a size ten figure, a high flying career and a fat paycheck but I do have four fabulous children who are all genuinely good people and a delightful 16 month old grand daughter. And they are never too big to cuddle - my 6ft plus 18 year old son gives great bear hugs!

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  21. The one-eyelash look is pretty sexy where I come from.

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Thanks for stopping by!

Take the weight of your feet, draw up a chair and pour yourself a cuppa. Leave your troubles at the door and together we shall ride out the storms.
I will walk a while in your shoes...

Saz x