Saturday, 13 June 2009

Unstuck

I was catching up with housework, promising myself a few hours with a book. Or with the bath tub. Perhaps a dvd. I had arranged to meet my girl friend later for a quick coffee & catch up. Note to self. Fetch phone from under my pillow and text her to confirm.

Then the doorbell rang and she was on the doorstep. One hour early. We just scooped up the morning and set it aside. Without guilt. But slightly unhinged.

Talking over lunch. We discussed the usual domestics issues and tissues. Our mood swings and frustrations.

We spoke of our journeys with the OU and how for now, the study platform doesn't suit. But we still thirst. I found my scattered thoughts take on structure. And form.Words erupted from my throat. I had apparently made a decision. It hung in the air between us. I want what?

My harboured aspirations had been released from their tethered reigns. For a time I have shored up feelings of loss. Reluctantly harnessing the grey hairs of doubt. Looking over the edge of the void. At the long walk down the hill. I have been treading water. I know. This vast wasteland spread out before me. I haven't known what I should do with it. Is it written, I just wait and do nothing. I have had two careers and a bit. Plus motherhood. So just why am I just treading water. Lacking direction. There is more. Much more. Change of frame. The strings are loosened. Not yet a while untied. Not broken. Life doesn't stop. It changes.

I finally said it out loud. I want to do so much. I never say it. I aspire. I want to learn. To train. I want options. I need options. At last. Out of the box steps excitement. Opportunities. I have made a choice. To float in the void. Sink. Swim. Or I have to make things happen. A future filled with living. A Life.

I now have a guidance appt booked with a return to learning officer at Northumbria uni in July; a one day taster course in 'prevention conservation' for the arts, yummy!; An open day appt. at the University of Cumbria, Art School to discuss Access /Foundation to Fine Art and an ongoing discussion with The Open College of the Arts, with whom I may start a foundation course as they will credit me for my OU Art History courses. Now that's what I call options for one afternoons work on the phone.

Just takes a flick of that mental switch. et voila. Tous ca change!

13 comments:

  1. Absolutely! Just a change of perception and one foot forward. Life awaits. Wonderful!

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  2. A fruitful afternoon, Saz! Your way of writing is so unique and I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts.
    What's in store for us all? I can't wait to find out.
    Thank you very, very much for your gracious comment. Blogging has been quite a healing experience.
    All the best,
    Catherine

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  3. Congratulations! Your efforts to reach out and make things happen in your life - the kind of things you really want, for a change - are inspiring.

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  4. Congratulations.. you opened another window.. Life long learning keeps you young and interesting!
    I love my work because it fills my life with people who flicked that switch too. Life is too short to stagnate in the pool of what you already know.

    "If you continue to do what you always do, you will only have what you already have".

    "Just do it".....

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  5. Never too late to change...

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  6. Gosh I am stunned. Where do you find the energy? I'm exhausted just reading it! All is aspire to at the moment is having a long rest on a lounger in a garden some day!

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  7. I keep thinking I want to do more academic stuff, but then I think about my Masters degree - working part time and having two babies through it nearly put me over the edge. Perhaps when the little guy is a little more independant?

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  8. Turning our aspirations and thoughts into action is such a bold and brave thing to do, Saz... Good for you, and best of luck with those interviews - You will wow them!

    All my love, Fhi x

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  9. its all in the mind for sure. Good luck to you

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  10. Beautifully said.
    I have found that the moment just before taking the plunge is the most debilitating!
    :^)

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  11. Wow! Good luck and may your progress be rapid.

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  12. You're not treading water, you're going through what the physicists call a state change. Before something makes the transition from one state to another (like water becoming ice), a huge amount of energy is going into that transition but it appears that nothing is changing.

    Find your own path for learning.

    I love your writing; elliptical and fluid. Blogging at its best.

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  13. Wow that's fantastic (missed this post before)

    I had moment like this with a girl friend, where all of a sudden something springs from you that has been milling around for a while and suddenly there it is! It's a wonderful feeling.Go girl :-)

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Thanks for stopping by!

Take the weight of your feet, draw up a chair and pour yourself a cuppa. Leave your troubles at the door and together we shall ride out the storms.
I will walk a while in your shoes...

Saz x