Thursday, 4 June 2009

Truths


Erin, the wonder- ful Erin, who shines like a light through my window, posted a very evocative and provocative post today. When ever she doesn't wrap me up and envelop me with her thoughts and with the breadth of wonders in her words, I will be concerned. She is a wonder. In this place of wonders. 

A post that began about trust and friendship and secrets. A post that ended with a feeling that she was inside my heart and mind. 

She asked if we ever find ourselves  'landlocked, limited and confined?' 

YES I shouted yes! I am feeling mellow and a bit flat. I accept. I avoid. But it is now out there. A post can do that. Unawares it grasps you by the throat. Unwittingly. Throttled by the force.

I am not unhappy, yet not happy. I am not discontented, yet not content. I am not unfulfilled, yet not filled. 

It is I fear the human condition. A pocket of melancholy. It isn't depression. I know that. It is what it is. A void. A suppressed realisation. That this isn't it all. There is more. Much more. I strive to fill myself up. But I always am left lacking. Something is missing. It is like a missing hearbeat. A short stop. A nothingness.  My Mojo is back. I am busy. I challenge myself.  I write. I paint. I draw. I take photographs. I compose. I smell my own fears.

I suspect it much to do with change. Everything changes. Mostly quietly. Slowly. Like a snail. Little differences. Small movements. Light on dark. But unmistakable. The sound of change registers. So high pitched only my subconscious hears it. Monitors. Deflecting the pitch and it's diffused meaning. It has started. 

I wallow in the branches of confusion. I'm not ready to hear it. Suppress it. The apron is straining. The scissors are hidden.The truth is smothered.

What else is there? I too go to bed.  I too don't want to keep thinking. 

15 comments:

  1. Our souls long for more...Sweet dreams, Saz...~Janine XO

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  2. Saz, it's such a strange place to be, isn't it, and yet it seems so many of us are in it. Do you get those glimpses that there is more but then are left not quite understanding what the more is or how to get it? That's where I'm at. I hear it. I smell it. I almost understand it but then it's elusive. And then the humdrum of every day fills it in and it's lost under a wave. No, not depression. Not good. Not bad. Just coming up this short of a truth that is bigger than I can understand.

    That I touched you this way. That you feel it. It all seems that much better, ok, doable. I still want to grab it by its ear though and lead it to the front of the class, expose it, know it!

    Thank you for your kind words. They really are a gift to me.

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  3. Thank you, dear Saz. I am so grateful for your friendship! My heart is with you...~Janine XO

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  4. keep asking.. all will be revealed. :)

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  5. Ms. Saz,

    I'm glad to hear you have your life back. However, what Erin does for you, you do for me. I can so relate to your entry when you talk about those feelings. You have sooo much going for you in your life. You have such good hobbies.

    When I get in those "feelings", I get so stuck. My very breath is to keep from sliding into the abyss of depression and fatigue. I am getting better, I think, because of the support and ability to relate to other people going through the same thing.

    I use to think something was horribly wrong with me. I don't even want to label it, which probably sounds lame. Without a label, how does one know what to deal with.

    Anyway, thanks for sharing. :)

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  6. "I wallow in the branches of confusion." Truer words have never been spoken. This is such a universal experience. Do men feel it as much as women do? I think maybe so. A void, a suppressed realisation. I don't know what else to say except you summed up a very real and human feeling which I share at times, as do so many of us. I am learning not to place too much faith in these feelings, though. Just because I don't see a path ahead/out of my present confusion...doesn't mean that path doesn't exist. What I can see with my consciousness is so very, very limited.

    Love to you Saz. Has this been quite a week in blogville, or is it just me??!

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  7. One of my favourite poetic phrases is 'I cannot bite the day to the core'. And I have Peggy Lee singing 'Is that all there is?' on my blog. I think we all suffer from this. But when one reaches old age (I'm 78) the all-there-is becomes very very precious.

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  8. Void - that is a big word with much meaning and I think something all women know about at one time or other. One thing I am sure of is that voids are always filled and do not last forever. xv

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  9. I am with you on the void thing. I know exactly what you mean. Hope you perk up soon. X

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  10. A lovely thought provoking post Sazzie darling, and, as you might expect, I am with RinklyRmies on this one. Though I HAVE been there and felt just as you do. It is a sad fact of life that we all wonder 'Is that all there is?'and, usually, it is. We just have to accept the old adage to accept that which we cannot change-
    I'm not saying make do and mend-but change what you can and count your many many blessings. Yes, the apron strings are straining and will break and will be mended again for the next meal the next hug. And you will come to that place of contentment with a new vision, new horizon, new new baby smell. It does come darling girl, don't be too impatient. Seize the day

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  11. "I am not unhappy, yet not happy. I am not discontented, yet not content. I am not unfulfilled, yet not filled."

    That sums up my thoughts perfectly.

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  12. The lines Immersion chose to repeat were the ones I picked up on as well. I think folk have felt that way since time immemorial.
    My thoughts are with you, FFF.
    Love
    SS

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  13. Beautifully written, my darling Sara - I fear that such is la condition humaine - I have missed you aussi, and feel your not quiteness... The apron strings taut but still intact...

    I value your friendship, our shared amitie, mon amie - Be blessed, my darling, Sara! x

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  14. Hi, found you through Suldog's blog. Not much of a bon mot, but I'm tired right now.

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  15. Heck. have been trying to write a blog now for ages but just can't and mainly because of this feeling - which you express so very well. I dunno - mine IS depression but then again more than that. Trying to figure it out. Thank you for writing this - it sort of helps to hear someone else expressing it (and so well).
    Janex

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Thanks for stopping by!

Take the weight of your feet, draw up a chair and pour yourself a cuppa. Leave your troubles at the door and together we shall ride out the storms.
I will walk a while in your shoes...

Saz x