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Please Mr Postman...

... look and see is there a letter, a letter for me?

And if there is dont't effing well ring my doorbell at 7.20am on an effing Saturday morning. Especially when I am all cuddled up in my warm bed! Because weekdays you usually arrive after 9.30 am every morning and so I don't get my mail until I return from work. I had no alarm set for once this Saturday and Larry told me he would get up for the dog and I should lay in for once.

I often work weekends (5 out of every 8 on a shift rota, which only the ancient Egyptians can figure out its that complicated) and so to me this is Nirvana. The doorbell made me jump up and lose the quilt into the freezing cold room- the heating hadn't warmed up the home yet.

The doorbell - which sounded more like the bells, the bells of Notre Dame to my ears and my crouched over Quasimodo like frame. I reach out blindly for my specs and fall over the dog sleeping on the floor on my slippers, I collected my cold naked body (not a pretty sight I assure you, as I now get so hot at night in bed - for hormonal reasons you understand, that when Larry is home the bed is almost to hot to bear clothing and a duvet) - oh dear too much information I hear you mutter - sorry!

I get up too quickly and I slam into the wall ouch!  I sumo wrestle myself blindly still sans spec's into my dressing gown which is now upside down , I huff an puff myself into it correctly. I swear under my breath. Then into the still very dark hall I notice the gown is now inside out,  I'm awake enough to be embarrassed whether Mr Postman notices this fact or not and I care enough to take it off quickly trying to sort out the knot of sleeves. Swearing louder, working faster so the ding, dang, ding , dong doorbell doesn't ring again and wake everyone in the house, cos then I won't get to sleep again. I catch a glimpse of my crooked morning face- why does the pillow do that to me- a morning crease that leaves a deep groove up from my nostril to my eye and is sometimes still there at midday- my hair looks like shagging hair as if I had a good night actually - er I hadn't had a good night actually.

I unlock the door, the poor postman is standing there looking frozen but cheery, I can't think why, I really daren't think why,   I say brightly, 'You're an early bird!' oh!  the drivel he must hear from people in the morning, well I tried to be nice and I signed for half a dozen packages, which I notice are all for my daughter, then I notice my mother's writing (why does this always make me smile?) even though I now know who to blame for my awful early start!

I turn and close the door, put the mail on the chair and nearly trip over the dog - black- in the darker hallway who now wants out for a pee, so I walk blondely towards the kitchen and SMASH my shin on the effing dog basket, it still hurts like a bugger now!

I did return to bed although only for another hour hopeful of starting the morning over .. . and it turned out  ok and I had a lovely day alone with Larry.


  1. Oh, dear. I can relate; my poor postman has seen with pajamas and bedhead more times than I would like.

    What in the world has your daughter been ordering?

  2. Oh please - you sleep naked and your hair was "rumpled" and you're trying to tell us nothing's going on.
    On another note, I have just told the kids that I am moving NOTHING that we have just unpacked, so if they want their new things they can take them to their rooms themselves. I thought your dancing Mum On Strike was calling to me!!!

  3. Love the Meez avatar! (You do know you can choose a body shape two sizes smaller than your real one, don't you? No-one will know!)

  4. Nothing wrong with being naked and shaggy - good on you :) Hormonal flushes however are no fun at all :(

    Should be a law against any parcels that need signing for being delivered before 9 am on Saturdays...
    Hope the bruises have settled

  5. This has the tears rolling down my face! So my typing/spelling could be worse than usual, due to blurred vision. I laugh, may I add, WITH, not AT you, for my postman has the same love of early morning Saturdays, but usually manages to catch me on the loo - you can write your own scenario from here on in...

  6. This was hilarious, and brilliantly written! I was with you all the way. My dressing gown is still inside out now, and my hair looks liek a haystack, and I've been up for hours!

    Happy New Year. x

  7. I can see it, clear as day, the squashed face, the bed head hair.

    Sorry you got hurt, did Larry kiss it better?

    You have to tell me about all these 'links' I am seeing on a lot of blogs. Is it so easy that EVERYONE is doing it...and why? David is doing it on his posts now, mumble mumble...don't understand.

  8. No smart-aleck remarks. Just enjoyed this, very much. Good stuff!

  9. Oh my...reminds me of my working days...12 hour shifts 4 days on 3 days off and somehow they always stretched into 14 hours instead of 12 and I only began to feel slightly rested on day 3 and then it was time to start over again...and what in heaven's name is the dog basket made of? Oak? Maybe a new dog basket made of wicker is in order? Hope you're rested, dear!

  10. I think postmen do it on purpose! Arrive early on a Saturday I mean. :(

    I remember a friend of mine having the same problem one Saturday morning. She was feeling quite good when she shut the door on the postman thinking he fancied her, only to look down and see her right tit had escaped her dressing gown! :0

  11. It is a conspiracy. As soon as you decide to have a lie in, the postman rings the bell. As soon as you say the word barbecue the storm clouds gather. The minute I say 'early start across the A66 the temperature plummets

  12. Criminal. Effing criminal!
    And if it were raining, sleeting, snowing, blowing, would he have been so cheery then? (Oh poor man, he had to work even earlier than that. That too is criminal!)

  13. hey at least you get service on a weekend, we get one delivery a day Monday through Friday. I even have to walk to the other end of the street to pick my mail up at a collection point, as there is no door to door delivery........Not that I am whining or anything....LOL

    I have mentioned your blog in a post I am doing on Friday (9th) on my blog.

    Gill in Canada

  14. I totally agree with you on the postman's timing. Ours arrives about 10 am weekdays and 7 am Saturdays. It is soo annoying. I have got beyond caring what I look like when I open the door to people who call early in the morning.

  15. May I chirp in with the silly comment that I wished the postman here would distribute mail on Saturdays? He does not! Never.

    Still, I empathize with your plight, what a bummer! I am so convinced that the morning I decided to sleep in, all hell breaks loose, I rather get up at my regular time, to enjoy the quiet (since no one ever shows up when I am up bright and early! *grin*).

    Happy New Year to you!

  16. I'm almost dying for hormonal flushes...I sleep with three duvets and two hot water bottles...drives hubbie nuts!!!!


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Take the weight of your feet, draw up a chair and pour yourself a cuppa. Leave your troubles at the door and together we shall ride out the storms.
I will walk a while in your shoes...

Saz x

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